Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Greatest Story Ever Told

There have been a lot of stories in the news lately about journalists, authors and university deans fabricating stories out of thin air or without citations and presenting them as fact. A problem as old as journalism itself, really. I'm not a journalist (obviously) so I'm not even sure why I brought it up. I would, however, like to tell you all about my day yesterday.

I had the day off, so I started it as I always do on a day off; with a 10 mile run as the sun rose. Along the way, I came across a baby on the side of Superior St. I said to it, "This is no place for a baby! What are you doing here?" He said, "I'm a baby, I can't talk." I don't have a lot of experience taking care of babies, but I know right from wrong. I scooped up the little tyke, took him to the police station, and they reunited him with his family.

As I continued my run, I went past a house ablaze. A poor cat was trapped on the second floor. I'm not a huge fan of cats, but deep down I love all of God's creatures. I scaled the exterior of the home, rescued the cat, and descended back to the ground. The fire department eventually came, and my work was done.

I had hardly run two blocks when I saw a thief steal a purse from a little old lady. I don't have a lot of hand-to-hand combat experience, but I do believe in truth, justice and the American way. I sprinted to catch up to him, tackled him, put him in a sleeper hold, retrieved the purse, returned it to the woman, and walked her safely the rest of the way to her home.

A little while down the road, my phone rang. It was the President. I gave him my number solely for emergency purposes and pick-up basketball games. He told me that even though the government came up with a short term fix for the budget, he needed my help to avoid long term ruin. I'm not an accountant, but I know my way around numbers. He e-mailed me the entire national budget, I crunched a few numbers, sent the solution, and bid Barry a nice day.

Towards the tail end of my run, I came across an absolutely gorgeous young woman, who was distraught. I asked her what was wrong. She told me her husband just left her for another woman and didn't know how she could go on. I'm not a gigolo but I can't leave a woman in that state. I took her home, calmed her nerves, then we made love that would move a mountain.

Then I ate lunch. So that was my Monday morning. How was yours?

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