Thursday, March 24, 2011

First Date Tips for Dudes

Before we found out Mel Gibson is a racist woman beater fake Australian, he starred in a shitty movie called "What Women Want". In it, he could read women's minds. Luckily for you, because I'm here, you guys won't have to. As someone who has gone on half-dozens of first dates, I can help you out.

Talk About Yourself...A Lot

Women are forced to think about and talk about themselves all day. By the time you take them out to Applebee's, the last thing in the world a girl wants to think about is herself. Besides, she agreed to go out with you, so clearly she finds you fascinating. Collect misshapen rocks? Show her pictures of them. Have the high score on the mini golf video game at the bar? Tell her about every hole. Even though you have awesome eyes, you two don't know each other well enough to gaze into each others eyes in silence yet, so fill the silence by talking about everything you. Be sure to bring up ex-girlfriends a lot. How else is she going to know how she measures up unless she knows every detail about the women you've been with?

Drink Aggressively

First of all, you are too shy to begin with, and you get especially nervous around a girl you like. Liquid courage; ever heard of it? Also, she will be impressed that you are able to knock down 8 drinks in 2 hours. She wants a man, not a boy.

Wear Cologne

Loads of it. Clean smelling isn't good enough. You are courting her, not taking her to church. If everything in cologne commercials is true, wearing it will cause her clothes to fall off and her to fall into your bed. As far as I can tell, it also makes you dive into deep water and play polo (the horse kind, not the pool kind). Whatever, just concentrate on the first part.

Holy shit, you actually convinced her to come back to your place? Umm...ok, got it.

Watch a Gory Movie

Violence is an aphrodisiac and you're trying to get this pony in the stable. Some would suggest a romantic comedy (or "RomCom" as douchers would say) but that's dumb. She isn't having a pillow fight with her girlfriends, she is with you. The more blood and screaming the better.

Wow, she wants to stay the night? Unreal. Ok, make sure you do your move, then...

Weep Uncontrollably

Chicks dig a guy with a soft side. Nothing softer that burying your head in your pillow and making it face rain. Besides, making love makes you equal parts happy, sad and terrified. Ride the roller coaster of emotions, my friend.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Oh Wheels, Where Art Thou?

Hello friends. Join me in my DeLorean as we take it back to 1992. I'm 6, I'm hungry and I'm largely helpless. My wonderful mother has agreed to take me to Burger King. As fast food was (and sadly, still is) my favorite thing, I was over the moon. Even better, the King has a sweet group for kids that gives them toys and sends a (Monthly? Bi-monthly? Quarterly? Whatever.) magazine with games and stories starring the Burger King Kids Club. What a fantastic idea! The greatest character of the Club? Wheels.

Wheels is a young man in a rocket powered wheel chair. This leaves me with sooooooo many questions. Was he born paraplegic, or was he given his nickname after some awful accident? Where does he need to go so fast that he needs his chair to be rocket powered? Is he proud of his life and nickname, or does he secretly hate everyone and want to murder the person who first called him that?

What makes Wheels great is that the small window from the late '80s through early '90s is the only period in the history of time he ever could have been created. Before? No one cared enough about diversity to include the kid in the wheelchair. Since? The wheelchair kids are still in but there's no way in Hell they would ever name him "Wheels" in this politically correct world. We can't name characters with Parkinson's "Shaky" anymore than a kid in a wheelchair can be "Wheels". It's just not right. When the BK Club was in full-force, it was the perfect mix of wanting to be diverse but not really knowing how to appropriately go about it. All I know is, the unintentional comedy that it caused enriched my life forever.

Never forget Wheels. I know I won't.