Monday, May 14, 2012

The 4 S Process

I spent this past weekend down in Iowa with my buddies Aaron and Joe. While down there, we may have gone out, and I may have tried to put some moves on some women. As hilarious as I'm sure this was to watch, I also learned something: I have the same move every single time. The beginning, middle and (unfortunately) end is almost always the same. One afternoon we got to thinking, and I decided to put a name to my move. It is "The 4 S Process".

Once again, this is an idea taken from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (It's almost like I like that show or something) and "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System". The way it works is Dennis' character has a foolproof method for picking up women, and the steps in the system all coincide with the letters in his name. The differences are that first of all, I didn't cram it into my name because I wanted it to be accurate to what I do on a weekly basis, and also that my system is horribly ineffective. With no adieu at all, here is "The 4 S Process".

1. Sidle up to a group of girls

The key is to acting like you belong there. Maybe they will even think you know one of the other girls at first. The point is, if you creep up slowly and obviously, you will be spotted right away. On the other hand, if you swoop in quickly and seemingly with a purpose, you might not get bounced out right away. If I'm not immediately shunned, I move on to step two, which is...

2. Strike up a conversation

Sometimes when I take my spot at their table by force, there is a natural break in the conversation which allows me to begin a new one. Other times they may be talking about something and I will have a chance to interject. The thing that care least about is the topic. As long as everyone is talking and I'm not getting kicked to the curb, I'm happy. This can get me into hot water, though. This past weekend I asked someone if she was as excited as I am about the new Vikings stadium agreement despite the political implications. She looked at me like I'm the dumbest person alive and said, "I'm in Iowa, I don't care." I forgot I was in Iowa! The little care I put into the conversations may be the first major flaw in my process. Regardless, if I avoid all landmines, I hone in on my target. This part is easy. Sometimes one of the girls seems somewhat interested in me where the rest don't, other times I have clearly off-put all but one, and I'm holding on for dear life. Either way, I then move on to step three, and...

3. Slide my arm around my target

This step is a little different from time to time. If the girl actually seems into me, I will full-on sling my arm around her. If not so much, I will put it around her chair. Still, it essentially works out the same. This is where my process tends to fall apart. She realizes I haven't said anything of real value the whole time, I realize that I made virtually no impression, so I...

4. Slink away in shame

Since I am a terrible dancer and hate doing it, this is the only move I've got. Probably time to go back to the drawing board. Anyway, we thought it was humorous so I decided to share. Stay tuned for the Beer Postseason.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Beer-offs: A Prelude to a Championship

It's no secret that I am obsessed with sports. The best part of any sports season is the playoffs, to see who will be crowned the champion (Unless you're a Minnesota sports fan like myself, and your team either missed the playoffs again or otherwise break your hearts. Yet, I digress.).

It's no secret beer and I go back like my hairline. I don't always drink beer, I just drink it a lot, and when I do drink beer, I prefer...the eight beers I am about to introduce.

I got to thinking, and I've decided to combine two of my favorite things into one, and create a completely arbitrary and ultimately pointless beer playoffs. Think "The Bud Bowl" but with more teams and beers that taste less like dog farts.

Also, if these were strictly my eight favorite beers, the list would look  slightly different. However, I have decided not to include microbrews. They aren't readily available to all and are tough to sort through.

The Contestants

(Seeds are listed top to bottom.)


 Summit EPA has been my favorite beer ever since the first time I tried it. Very flavorful and definitely has a bite. I have found that this beer specifically and pale ales in general tend to be an acquired taste. That said, I am the judge, jury and executioner of this playoff, so the number one seed it is.

 Quick tangent: This is the first time I've ever seen this Honey Weiss logo, and I immediately want it on a shirt. So cool. Anyway, I've always liked Leinie's Honey Weiss because it is smooth but still has kick, flavored but not overly, and around here is available most everywhere. A strong contender for the crown.


Yes I did use the old logo; I prefer it and can do whatever I want. The highest ranking "economy" beer, but it has earned it's spot. It is a light beer that, you know, actually tastes like beer. I realize a lot of people who drink light beer don't actually like beer, but I do. Being light, it's drinkability is high and so is its value. Plus, I've been on Team Miller Lite in softball for years, so there is some loyalty involved too (I am still looking for someone to play our mascot, "Mittens the Miller Lite Cat, BTW).  


Back-to-back Miller reps. Besides being "The Champagne of Beers", it's delicious and cheap. I've spent many a weekend shower with the lady in the moon. She never disappoints. Those memories last; unfortunately for High Life, I have saddled them with a very difficult first round match-up.


If Canadians know anything, it's hockey. If they know anything else, it's beer...or maple syrup. Anyway, hockey and beer collide perfectly in the above tap handle. I've ordered tallboys of Labatt's strictly because of that thing. I get easily enamored with stupid things, so this bodes well for the representative from across the border. Forgetting how awesome that mitt is, the beer is damn tasty on it's own merit.


  • Fat Tire is a flavorful beer that packs a solid punch, but isn't as strongly flavored as some other brews. That isn't necessarily a positive in my book; however, I do think it makes it more drinkable for those who would normally prefer light beer. On the other hand, that doesn't matter since I have the only vote on this very important matter. Fat Tire is more than good enough to make the playoffs, but they have an uphill road to the championship.

    Leinenkugel's joins Miller with their second representative in the playoffs. Summer Shandy is crisp, smooth, delicious and perfect for a hot summer day. That said, this spot mostly represents all of the wonderful seasonal offerings out there. I easily could have slid Summit Oktoberfest or any number of other beers into this slot. But, I have summer on the brain, so here we stand.


    Hipsters have ruined it a little bit, but PBR is cheap, delicious and the blue ribbon logo kicks ass. So there.

    On the Outside Looking In

    (Since I'm still a child trapped in a man's body, right now I'm picturing these beers watching a selection show a la the NCAA tourney, feeling crushed, some crying and some hugging their coaches, left to wait for next year. I'm a loser.)

    Dos Equis (both Amber and Lager), South Shore Nut Brown, Coors Original

    Now that the field is set and the representatives have been introduced, it is time to decide a champion...soon. Hey, this is the first blog idea I've had in forever; I'd be a fool to not stretch it into multiple posts. Also, I realize that the spacing between logos is messed up, but I'm too lazy to figure it out and also think that extremely low production value is one of the things that gives this blog it's "charm".

    Stay tuned for the first round. 

    Warrior Dash Update 1

    Still fat.