Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tomservations 2

It is not a good idea to relieve yourself in the pool. It is an especially bad idea to relieve yourself in the pool if you're wearing a white swimsuit.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...unless you hate yourself. Then just be nice.

After watching the VMAs and Lady Gaga's awful impersonation of a man, I am 100% convinced she doesn't have a hanglow. Oh yeah, and Britney Spears is really hot again. Noticed that, too.

If it's Saturday night, you are getting ready to go out and you don't have a beer in the shower, you just aren't trying.

The Twins are now 9-33 in their last 42 games. It's pretty awful that I envy KC Royals fans at this point. At least I won't have to watch the Yankees embarrass them in the playoffs yet again this fall.

I'm not sure if ladies' "time of the month" clocks actually do sync up, but roommates' laundry and shower ones absolutely do.

If something (or someone) seems way too easy, then it is.

The first time I've actually been excited to watch the Timberwolves play in over half a decade, and the NBA is locked out. I don't even know why I like sports.

I wish "In-N-Out Burger" was called "In-N-Out-N-In-Again" purely for comedic purposes.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Summer of Tom: In Review

Back in April, I told all of you about my former ill-fated decisions to decree a series of Summers during college "The Summer of Tom", all of which were unmitigated failures. After much deliberation, I chose to roll the dice one more time.

As much as I loathe thinking that the Summer is over, the fact is, it is. While I love fall, most notably the return of football and Halloween, I am never ready for Fall. Summer is preciously short around here, and I'm lazy, so I invariably wind up wasting too many beautiful days even though I know they are in short supply. Oh well, it's time for me to move on. My friends, it is time to recap my adventure.

The three main categories I broke down originally were getting into sweet shape, becoming a lady killer and ruling the world professionally, the three cogs of any important endeavor.

As far as my body goes, it is still fairly mediocre but unfat. I have been horrible at making myself work out. I still eat a very unhealthy diet. By all rights, I should be a house, so I will call that a draw.

When it comes to the ladies, I had a girlfriend incredibly briefly (we all know how that worked out), and did reasonably well for myself the rest of the summer. Besides, I am still disease-free (which is the way to be, after all) and am almost certain I am childless still, so I will call that a squeaker of a victory.

Professionally, I still don't rule the world with an iron fist. I do not possess a corner office, a private jet or a mansion with a pool house...yet. However, my company treats me well, I received a promotion and I haven't been fired. Another win for Tommy Boy.

In a more general sense, I would say this summer went swimmingly. I made it down to the Twin Cities to hang with my buddies a few times, I had an awesome birthday, things have gone well at the new house and I've made some new friends. Yeah, I didn't play as much golf as I would have liked or gone out of town quite enough, but I never do. It was still a very fun summer.

I can honestly say, for the first time ever, The Summer of Tom was a success. Hmm, maybe I should predict "AuTom" next? Nah.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A Conversation With My 15 Year Old Self

15 year old me: Whoa, are

25 year old me: Yep. I somehow aquired a time machine and decided to pay you a visit.

15: That's so cool! How old are you? 34, 35?

25: ...25.

15: Yikes. Looks like it's been some hard living for you the last decade.

25: Shut up. Do you have any questions about the future?

15: Hell yes! How is being an architect?

25: Um, I'm sort of not one.

15: What? But that's what I want to do!

25: Yes, you do. But after awhile, you sort of just won't want to be one anymore.

15 That doesn't make sense!

25: Please stop yelling at me. I'm nursing a bit of a hangover.

15: What do you mean? I don't drink.

25: No you don't. Stay golden, wonder-child.

15: Have you at least designed your own house yet?

25: I'm sort of renting still. The economy is going to take a nosedive soon. Lay off me, I've got a lot on my plate.

15: Whatever. So am I going to start doing better with girls soon?

25: I wouldn't hold your breath.

15: Well what about you? How are you doing with the ladies?

25: Better than you!

15: Like that's real hard! This has been so depressing so far. Why did you come here?

25: Because it is always important to remember where you came from.

15: Fair enough. Wait, you're from the future. What advice do you have for me?

25: Spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Enjoy every moment of organized sports in high school, because let's face it, we aren't Big 10 material. Don't be afraid to take chances every once in awhile. Oh, and never, ever sell insurance.

15: That all makes sense. Wait, though. Now that I know what's going to happen, I can just change it and the future won't be the one you have lived.

25: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

15: Why not?

25: For one, I like my life. For two, it could end up just like "The Butterfly Effect" and...

15: What's that?

25: Oh yeah, it's a movie that doesn't exist yet. It's where Ashton Kutcher...never mind. The point is, it's impossible to know how much you could change by knowing the future when no one else does.

15: Yeah, well how do you plan on stopping me.

25: I have the brain erase zapper from the "Men in Black" movies.

15: Movies, as in more than one? Besides, that doesn't exist in real life.

25: This is my blog. Whatever I want to exist, does.