Thursday, April 21, 2011

Frequently Asked Questions

Now that I've been doing this for awhile, some of my half dozen readers have questions about the blog every now and then. I thought I'd try to answer some of them tonight.

Q: Why do you write something that nobody reads?
A: It helps quiet the voices.

Q: Why so many posts lately?
A: I can't get my book published until there is enough material. Just kidding; I have a better chance of making the NBA than ever getting a book published.

Q: What inspires you to write?
A: Either a desire to make the world a better place or because I like making fun of Mel Gibson and talking about beer. I will let you decide which is the real reason.

Q: Is "The Summer of Tom" crap true?
A: Sadly, yes. I actually believed each summer was going to be "my" summer, and was sorely disappointed each time.

Q: Did you just link your own post?
A: Yes.

Q: Have you no shame?
A: No.

Q: Didn't you used to write about sports?
A: I did. I still love sports as much as ever, but way too many people write about sports already. Why read my thoughts when real-life qualified writers have thoughts on it? On the other hand, I don't see a lot of posts on the best beer to drink in the shower or poetry about Tim Brewster. Plus, this is more fun.

Q: How many of these questions have actually been asked?
A: Probably 2.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Honest Resume


Cell: 218-555-1234 (I only respond to texts)


University of Wisconsin (Party U!!!)
Degree: Communications
Major: Kicking Ass
Activities: Sleeping...eating?
Accomplishments: School-record keg stand, somehow graduating with only 25% class attendance, making out with that one hot chick from down the hall freshman year.

Work Experience

Parking Attendant, UW
Responsibilities: Naps, letting my friends park for free, occasionally doing homework
Reason for Leaving: I was fairly certain I was going to be fired real soon, so I jetted and beat them to the punch.

Store Clerk, Wal-Mart
Responsibilities: Stealing tons of food (seriously, I didn't buy groceries for a year), making fun of our customers behind their backs, hitting on the one fairly attractive girl who worked there
Reason for Leaving: I felt the work was beneath me. You have to let a bird spread its wings and fly, ya know?

Getting an Allowance
Responsibilities: None. I did nothing yet my parents still tossed me $15 a week. Suckers.
Reason for Leaving: Left for college, although I will probably go back if you don't hire me. Please hire me. Please?


"Supersize" Smith, roommate freshman year
My Mommy

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Day in the Life of an Unemployed College Grad

9:45 AM: He wakes up, rolls over, and checks the time. He really should get up so he can get an early jump on job applications. On the other hand, some more sleep sounds really nice…

11:37 AM: Zzzzzzzzzz….

12:59 PM: Time to get up. He would get started on those applications right away, but he is starving, so a quick Mickey D’s run is in order first. 10 CCs of Big Mac, stat!

1:47 PM: He checks the mail, only to find yet another “I regret to inform you” (Read: Go screw yourself; people more talented than you also applied for this job) letters from one of the jobs he has applied for.

1:48 – 2:37 PM: Shame spiral. Nearly an hour solid of self-loathing, consisting of: wondering why he isn’t good enough for any damned jobs, cursing his choice of such a generic major, thinking about going to law school, considering becoming a crab fisherman or ice road truck driver.

2:38 PM: Forgets all of his current problems once he realizes Steve Wilkos is on.

2:52 PM: “GET OFF MY STAGE!!!!!!!"

3:35 PM: Naptime.

4:47 PM: Time to finally think about some self-grooming. Contacts instead of glasses? Yes. Shower? Maybe. Shave? Absolutely not.

6:01 PM: He calls that girl he drunkenly met a week ago to see if she wants to hang out sometime soon. No answer. No worries though. He has tried calling her a couple times in the last couple of days with no luck. She’s obviously just been busy. He just leaves a witty voicemail ("You must be tied up because my stomach's in knots waiting for you to call back. Get it? Knots? Tied up? Anyway, I'm just chilling at the pad, so call whenever's good for you. Lates. T-Bone, signing off!") so that she can call him back and work something out. They hit it off really well that night. I mean, she said he should call her, right? Right?

6:45 PM: No callback yet. No big.

7:38 PM: Still no word from her.

8:04 PM: NOT EVEN A TEXT?!?!?!?!

8:57 PM: After swearing off all women forever, it is time for him to dive into an intense and potentially friendship-ending game of Tiger Woods golf on the 360.

10:32 PM: 18 holes, 8 beers, half a bag of pretzels and one sweet victory later, he realizes he still hasn’t searched for or applied for a single job all day. He can do that now, of watch Super Troopers for the seventy-seventh time.

10:38 PM: "You boys like MEX-EEEEEE-CO?!?!?!?!?!”

12:17 AM: Finally time to get down to business. “Get down to business” meaning quickly and half-drunkenly slapping together an application for a job he isn’t really qualified for and doesn’t really want.

1:57 AM: After some late night TV watching, it is time to hit the sack. He makes sure to set his alarm for 9:00 AM, because tomorrow is definitely going to be a productive day.

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Summer of Tom

Now that summer is just around a few more corners, I am reminded of an old ritual from my past. At the dawn of each new summer, for three or four years running, I would tell my buddy Aaron that the upcoming season would be The Summer of Tom.

Why? Well, I stole the idea from George Costanza. The Summer of George was an unmitigated disaster, so I'm not sure why this was the idea I chose to steal. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Predictably, the SOTs always were sorely disappointing. It's not to say that my summers were horrible, but when you name a season after yourself, you have extremely high hopes. How high? Lemme tell ya.

Jacked, Tanned, and Ready to Party

I dislike working out. Once I pull my fat ass to the gym, I'm fine. The problem is the whole forcing myself to go. The couch and 12 oz. curls are more appealing to me than a bench and 25 lbs. curls. Still, Duluth has Park Point and Park Point has scores of women. I wanted in on some of that action, but I needed some honey to attract those flies. Wait, that didn't sound right. I needed to look fly to attract the honeys. Yeah, that's it. Unfortunately, my goals of looking like this always turned out like this.

Pimpin' All Over the World

(Quick Tangent: I always loved the song and video for "Pimpin' All Over the World", but Luda picked the 50th best looking girl in the video. He's pimpin' ALL over the world! You can do better, Luda. Back to the nonsense.)

Even during the SOTs I was somewhat realistic about my prospects with females. Still, the season was named after me! I had to get somewhat lucky. Unfortunately, women don't flock to the golf course or my living room. Plus, the bar never works for me because I'm either too shy to approach anyone or too drunk to be coherent. It's less than ideal. Point is, I did not get any action. What did I think it was, November? (Inside joke.)

Ruling the World With an Iron Fist

I was in college during the SOTs, so I knew I wouldn't be thrust into an important position at a Fortune 500 company. That said, I figured I would finally score the internship which would lead to the full-time position which would lead to promotions which would lead to this. After all, I know what it takes to be successful in the corporate world. So what jobs did I have during those summers? I was a Bellman, a Guest Services Representative and a failed Insurance Agent. Damnit.

A few years ago, I finally gave up. Why set myself up to fail? I realize the Summers of Tom (Summer of Toms?) were a failure, and that I had much too high expectations for them. Still, I don't regret a thing. To be the best or to have the best, you need to want the best. George Costanza knew that, and so do I. At least I did.

This has been a good year, so I really shouldn't jinx it. Why tempt fate again? Ah screw it.

June-September 2011 shall be THE SUMMER OF TOM!!!