Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Day After Drinksmas

Twas the day after Drinksmas,
And no one was in bed.
The guys were asleep
but on couches instead.

Aaron still in his polo
and Tom in his Twins cap,
Didn't bother to change
before this long winter's nap.

All of a sudden
There came a great noise.
Loud enough in fact,
It awoke all of the boys.

The door swung open
just shy of noon.
And Mike, Joe and Ben
strode into the room.

Sweezy and Jon wondered aloud
What had happened to the three.
The night before was a late one
and memories were hazy.

"We were able to drive
and left you last night.
You guys were pretty gone,
Not a woman in sight."

The group reunited for football,
And Bakke said with a cheer,
"Merry Drinksmas to all,
And a Happy Brew Year!"

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Cutting Room Floor

I've had this blog for a few years now, and even though I go through spells of inactivity, I have made quite a few posts. Still, there are a couple I started and didn't follow through on until the end. I'm sure this probably seems impossible, since I clearly am not afraid to post something mediocre. Still, there are outtakes out there, still saved in the system, which I will share with you now.

The first was a very meta idea I had awhile back involving two of my favorite foils, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson. It was going to be styled like a boxing match, except that points were awarded for being a bad person instead of a good puncher (Although, being a good puncher would be beneficial in this type of contest. Moving on.) Here is what I had:

Charlie Sheen is a crazy person with a stripper and cocaine affinity. Mel Gibson is a crazy person with an anger and alcohol affinity. Both men have ascended (somewhere near) the top of their profession, but more recently have made headlines for losing their shit. The burning question is who is crazier?

Before we begin, some of you may be thinking, "Wow, Tom, this article seems really mean-spirited. Why do you dislike these two so much? Why do you write stuff that no one is going to read anyway?" Look, I'm not poking fun at them because they are people with problems. I'm making fun of them because they are clearly terrible people who also happen to have problems. That said...

Let's get ready to RUMMMMMMBLE!!!

The Tale of the Tape

Fighting out of the Powder White Corner, Carlos the Conspiracy Theorist, the Christmas Day Criminal, the Cocaine Cowboy, the Awful Sitcom Superstar...CHAZ SHEEEEEEEEEEN!!!

Fighting out of the Beer Bottle Brown Corner, the Almost Australian Asshole, the Threatenator, the Homophobic Hammer, the Collossus of Kraut...MEL GIIIIIIIIIIBSON!!!


Round 1: Most Arrests

Chaz has been officially arrested twice, once on drug charges, and once for threatening his then-wife on Christmas Day 2009. Say what you want, but the man knows how to show his family a happy holidays! Gibby has a DUI under his belt, which isn't good, but was made miles worse because he went on an antisemitic rant while pulled over. He also (allegedly) threatened his girlfriend including saying he was going to (allegedly) plant her in the garden.

Sheen also was caught in a hotel room by the cops high on cocaine after causing $7000 in damage to his room, yet was not charged. I'm not sure what genie he porked to get all of this amazingly good luck, but I'd love to meet her (Although given Sheen's history, protection would be mandatory).

Since Sheen's arrests had violence and Gibson's had violence AND racism, the decision is:

Gibson 10 Sheen 9

Round 2: ...

You get the idea. The problem wasn't so much that this was a terrible idea, it was just a difficult one to pull off. Also, I generally prefer shorter posts so people don't lose interest, whereas that article would have gone on and on. I still think there's a funny idea in there somewhere, but I won't be the one to write it.

The other one was an article about Duluth. I was listening to Kanye West's "Graduation" CD awhile ago (surprising, I know) and the song "Homecoming" came on. It is a song where he alludes to his home town of Chicago the whole time, making references as if the city was a woman. I thought to myself, "That's an idea I can steal!" Here is what I got:

You've always been there for me, unconditionally. I've always been way into you, too. Almost to the point where I feel like Shallow Hal sometimes; I just don't understand why some people don't see you the way I do. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Not surprisingly, you are cold a lot of the time, then can be unusually hot, too (Fellas, you know how that goes, right?). No matter though. It's always easy to add layers, and the fan is never too far away.

I aborted that pile because it was unoriginal and unfunny. See, I can write worse things than the stuff I post!

Well, that's all I've got for tonight. Thanks for joining me on a behind the scenes tour of my mind.