Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stalked Up: A Rocket To The Moon Edition

As a guy who doesn't have a CD player in his car (I have one, but it's in my room. I don't know how to install it and I'm too cheap to pay someone else to do it. Don't judge me.), I listen to the radio a lot. I've realized that many popular love songs have creepy ass lyrics. I'm not sure if most people don't notice this, or don't care, but I'm fed up. It's time for someone to start calling out these songs, and since I have nothing better to do, I guess I'll do it.

Recently, the song "Like We Used To" has come to my attention, as it is played on the radio constantly. Its creepiness is immediately noticeable. However, if you see the lyrics typed up, it reads like a murder-suicide note.

The band who unleashed this stalkers' anthem on the world is A Rocket To The Moon. I've never heard of them before, so I had to Google one of the most uncomfortable lines from this song to figure out who I am putting in the crosshairs.

The gist of the song is that his girlfriend broke up with him (presumably), and is dating a new gentleman. He is singing to her, asking whether or not her new beau is doing all of the "romantic" things he used to do.

The most uncomfortable part of the song is when he is describing her having sex in a car. Fine, except that he is talking about her and the new guy having sex for the first time. It seems that he is talking about her losing her virginity. Not only that, but he knows it was precisely "14 months and 7 days ago". Problem is, why does he know what day it was? Why is he keeping track of how many days ago it was? Finally, he says "Oh, I know you know how we felt that night." Somehow, he knew it was happening while it was happening. The only possible explanation is if he was watching them do it. Even if she decided to tell him it happened and the exact date of the deed, he wouldn't have felt any different during the act unless he has some weird power where he can sense when his ex-girlfriend is being penetrated. Also, I'm thinking her feelings and his didn't exactly overlap that night.

He goes on to croon, "And we both know/It should've been me inside that car/It should've been me instead of him/In the dark." Apparently not. The V-card transaction took place over 14 months ago already. If she really wishes you would've tubed her in the car instead of her boyfriend, she wouldn't still be with this guy. I understand women are insane, but if she loves you and not him, and you are so clearly still enamored with her, she would get back together with you. Douche.

Later, he says, "You're on my mind, love/(I know I'm not needed)." If you know you're not needed, than go the hell away already. Leave her alone! And don't make terrible songs about her.

The cherry on this shit sundae is him telling her "Will you promise if this one's right/Don't throw it all away." Basically, don't repeat the mistake you made with me. In other words, he spends the whole song telling this broad she should've let him bone her first, that he was the perfect boyfriend, that he still loves her, that she never should've broken up with him, but good luck with this new guy. At that point, it's no longer admirable to wish her well, it's bipolar.

In conclusion, I'm not saying that I want the members of A Rocket To The Moon to wander into traffic. However, if I'm never subjected to one of their awful songs again for whatever reason, my life will be marginally happier.

So that's it for the first edition of "Stalked Up". I shall return at a later date with a skewering of Clay Aiken's "Invisible". Later.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Shaming of the Brew

Our team is a joke,
our program's a mess.
Time to figure it out, Brew.
This isn't checkers, it's chess.

You came with no experience,
your resume's funny.
How'd you get the job, anyway?
Does Maturi owe you money?

I'm sure your interview
with him was a dandy.
He loves you so much,
he'd probably give you a handy.

You promised Rose Bowls
and beating up Bucky.
Now we might win two games,
three if we're lucky.

You have the nation's third largest campus!
This team should run like a Lexus.
The only schools bigger?
Ohio State and Texas.

Perhaps you've heard of them.
They make winning look easy.
Meanwhile, your Gophs
make the fans feel queasy.

These games are unwatchable,
our chances of winning are slim.
We need change now!
Where's Barack when you need him?

I think that you care,
but I know that you suck.
So much so that you let
South effing Dakota run amok.

It's time for you to go,
you gave it a shot.
Go take your "talents" elsewhere.
Perhaps a used car lot?

You blew a great chance,
even attendance is now an issue.
Just get out already,
and take Weber with you!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Are You Ready?

The dawn of a new NFL season is nigh, as my beloved Vikes are set to take on the Saints this Thursday night, as anyone who even kind of cares about football even a little bit knows. I'm planning on writing a preview in a day or so, but first...

Obviously, the fact that the game is almost here makes me think about that horrific championship game from last year. I was twitchy and naseous the whole game. I was even stupid enough to believe the Vikes were going to the Super Bowl, up until the 12-men in the huddle and G.D. INT. My buddy Mike and I were so depressed, all we wanted to do was drink and forget about it. The problem was, all the bars closed up shop early (Turns out most folks don't like drinking late into Sunday nights. Who knew?) Then we decided to gamble, but there was a pretty severe snow falling at the time. After my Explorer 360-ed off of the freeway and into a snowbank, we decided God did in fact hate us and it was time to go home.

Why dredge all of that up? Because Thursday is a new day in a new season. The best part about sports is there's always next year, and next year is finally almost here! Will the Vikings break my heart for the 15064103th time again this year. Probably, but if that day comes where they actually pull through in the end, it will be the best day of my life, at least so far.

I have no idea what's going to happen Thursday night. I'm hoping the Vikings dominate like they did in January, but actually win the damn game this time. If not, at least it's only the first game, and at least the season is finally starting.

Are you ready for some football?