Wednesday, November 10, 2010
When I look back at my life a year ago, it's not the prettiest picture in the world. I was still working at the bank, and while I was surrounded by good company, I was miserable. I'm not good at foisting stuff on others, and that's really the only way I could have been successful. I left at the end of December and returned to the hotel on New Year's Day.
Working at the hotel allowed me to recharge my batteries. It was also nice that it was obvious (and stated) that I would be looking for a career while I was at the hotel. I never felt as though I had to sneak around and be secretive about my wheelings and dealings. Sure, the schedule wasn't the greatest, considering I was back to working nights and weekends. But at least I didn't want to throw myself through a window the whole time.
While working at the hotel helped out my overall happiness, my pocket book wasn't getting any thicker. Hence, me finding myself in my parents' basement (temporarily). Now, I finally found a job that I think I will like and know that it pays. I won't be apartment hunting immediately as I still have things to pay down. Still, it's nice to think that I will be in my own place soon on the horizon.
2010 has been the first year in awhile where I haven't really dated anyone. Largely, that has been by choice. I guess I feel like someone should have their house in order before they invite others into it. The other reasons are not in my hands, including I'm sure the whole parents' basement thing. Regardless, I think it was for the best. I've spent my time trying to get my present and future figured out, and the rest of my time having fun. Sounds good to me. I will take care of the rest later.
Now, I'm set to start the new job next week, and I can't wait. The only downside is I'm not allowed to have facial hair (no Movember for this guy), but I will gladly trade beards for money and happiness in a second.
So that's that. It will be interesting to see where I'm at next November, or whenever the hell I decide to do a year in review next.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
That brings us to the immortal Tim Brewster.
He had never been a head coach at any level before he was hired, but he was touted as a master recruiter (not sure if he's a master debator). Whatever, most Gopher fans were just excited for a fresh start. Brewster made it readily apparent he wasn't going to be satisfied with more mediocrity. He boasted of taking "Gopher Nation" to the Rose Bowl. Sure, he seemed like a blowhard, but as long as he was a successful blowhard, everyone would've been happy. Plus, he was going to get the brand new TCF Bank Staduim to operate out of starting in his third year. An enormous, beautiful campus in a great city with a sparkling new stadium should be more than enough to succeed.
So what the hell happened?
They only won one game his first season (It's ok; he's rebuilding.), went to a bowl game his second (Progress!) had a losing record last year (uh-oh) and has been an abortion this year (Shit.).
We've seen bad football in these parts before, but this time, it's worse. The U was primed to become a viable program. The fans were excited about the new stadium. We were finally going to get over that hump!
Now? The excitement will wear off in a hurry. People will still go to games for the stadium, but not for long. It's like this: Imagine if you built an amazing new house, and invited all of your friends and family over for a house warming party. Then, you took a gigantic dump in the middle of the living room right before your guests arrived. To make it worse, you refused to serve your guests drinks to make the experience somewhat more bearable. The lesson: It's not much fun to spend time in a new place, no matter how great it is, if it's filled with shit.
I hope this is Brewster's last year, and they bring in a coach who knows how to win and can truly turn the Gophs around. I just can't help but feeling they blew their best chance.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Recently, the song "Like We Used To" has come to my attention, as it is played on the radio constantly. Its creepiness is immediately noticeable. However, if you see the lyrics typed up, it reads like a murder-suicide note.
The band who unleashed this stalkers' anthem on the world is A Rocket To The Moon. I've never heard of them before, so I had to Google one of the most uncomfortable lines from this song to figure out who I am putting in the crosshairs.
The gist of the song is that his girlfriend broke up with him (presumably), and is dating a new gentleman. He is singing to her, asking whether or not her new beau is doing all of the "romantic" things he used to do.
The most uncomfortable part of the song is when he is describing her having sex in a car. Fine, except that he is talking about her and the new guy having sex for the first time. It seems that he is talking about her losing her virginity. Not only that, but he knows it was precisely "14 months and 7 days ago". Problem is, why does he know what day it was? Why is he keeping track of how many days ago it was? Finally, he says "Oh, I know you know how we felt that night." Somehow, he knew it was happening while it was happening. The only possible explanation is if he was watching them do it. Even if she decided to tell him it happened and the exact date of the deed, he wouldn't have felt any different during the act unless he has some weird power where he can sense when his ex-girlfriend is being penetrated. Also, I'm thinking her feelings and his didn't exactly overlap that night.
He goes on to croon, "And we both know/It should've been me inside that car/It should've been me instead of him/In the dark." Apparently not. The V-card transaction took place over 14 months ago already. If she really wishes you would've tubed her in the car instead of her boyfriend, she wouldn't still be with this guy. I understand women are insane, but if she loves you and not him, and you are so clearly still enamored with her, she would get back together with you. Douche.
Later, he says, "You're on my mind, love/(I know I'm not needed)." If you know you're not needed, than go the hell away already. Leave her alone! And don't make terrible songs about her.
The cherry on this shit sundae is him telling her "Will you promise if this one's right/Don't throw it all away." Basically, don't repeat the mistake you made with me. In other words, he spends the whole song telling this broad she should've let him bone her first, that he was the perfect boyfriend, that he still loves her, that she never should've broken up with him, but good luck with this new guy. At that point, it's no longer admirable to wish her well, it's bipolar.
In conclusion, I'm not saying that I want the members of A Rocket To The Moon to wander into traffic. However, if I'm never subjected to one of their awful songs again for whatever reason, my life will be marginally happier.
So that's it for the first edition of "Stalked Up". I shall return at a later date with a skewering of Clay Aiken's "Invisible". Later.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
our program's a mess.
Time to figure it out, Brew.
This isn't checkers, it's chess.
You came with no experience,
your resume's funny.
How'd you get the job, anyway?
Does Maturi owe you money?
I'm sure your interview
with him was a dandy.
He loves you so much,
he'd probably give you a handy.
You promised Rose Bowls
and beating up Bucky.
Now we might win two games,
three if we're lucky.
You have the nation's third largest campus!
This team should run like a Lexus.
The only schools bigger?
Ohio State and Texas.
Perhaps you've heard of them.
They make winning look easy.
Meanwhile, your Gophs
make the fans feel queasy.
These games are unwatchable,
our chances of winning are slim.
We need change now!
Where's Barack when you need him?
I think that you care,
but I know that you suck.
So much so that you let
South effing Dakota run amok.
It's time for you to go,
you gave it a shot.
Go take your "talents" elsewhere.
Perhaps a used car lot?
You blew a great chance,
even attendance is now an issue.
Just get out already,
and take Weber with you!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Obviously, the fact that the game is almost here makes me think about that horrific championship game from last year. I was twitchy and naseous the whole game. I was even stupid enough to believe the Vikes were going to the Super Bowl, up until the 12-men in the huddle and G.D. INT. My buddy Mike and I were so depressed, all we wanted to do was drink and forget about it. The problem was, all the bars closed up shop early (Turns out most folks don't like drinking late into Sunday nights. Who knew?) Then we decided to gamble, but there was a pretty severe snow falling at the time. After my Explorer 360-ed off of the freeway and into a snowbank, we decided God did in fact hate us and it was time to go home.
Why dredge all of that up? Because Thursday is a new day in a new season. The best part about sports is there's always next year, and next year is finally almost here! Will the Vikings break my heart for the 15064103th time again this year. Probably, but if that day comes where they actually pull through in the end, it will be the best day of my life, at least so far.
I have no idea what's going to happen Thursday night. I'm hoping the Vikings dominate like they did in January, but actually win the damn game this time. If not, at least it's only the first game, and at least the season is finally starting.
Are you ready for some football?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Now that that’s out of the way…
My life is obviously not where I had envisioned it going into college as a bright-eyed 18 year old. So what the hell happened? A lot.
When I applied to go to college, I got into the University of Minnesota’s architecture program, the only school I applied for. Everything seemed so easy. Then I actually went to school.
I was a good, not great, high school student who got by without studying. It turns out that doesn’t work in college. It also turned out I decided architecture wasn’t for me, and ultimately, neither was the Main U anymore.
After I got to UMD, I worked my ass off and earned my Economics degree, even making the Dean’s List once. I finished in December of 2008, and was excited to get into the real world. That’s where things got messy.
In hindsight, my biggest mistake was trying to run my own insurance agency. I didn’t have the money, experience or time to succeed at that and finish school at the same time. I invested a lot of money and didn’t return nearly enough, so I was put in the hole.
Ever since, the worst recession since the Great Depression peaked and hasn’t gone away yet. People with loads more experience than I have are applying for the same careers I am trying to get into. Economics degrees are great in that they are flexible. What sucks about them though is it doesn’t specifically train you for one type of career, the way many others do. When the market is tight, it just doesn’t jump off of the resume to potential employers. At least I have a job. I am very grateful I was able to get my old job back, but it’s simply not enough to pay the bills.
So now what? I apply, apply, apply, and I am still where I started, except that I owe loads more money. This is especially true now that my student loan grace period has passed. My degree hasn’t earned me an extra cent yet, but it’s already costing me hundreds of dollars a month.
The most frustrating part is that I’ve been extremely close to getting hired for jobs that would have allowed me to start paying down a lot of this debt and take a lot of stress out of my life. For various reasons, none of them worked out. I won’t get into the details as far as what and where the jobs were or why I didn’t get them because it really doesn’t matter anymore. The fact I didn’t get them is all that matters at this point.
Getting kicked in the face repeatedly hurts, but it gets numb after awhile. I’m at the point now where I don’t expect things to change anytime soon. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed yet again.
I realize this hasn’t been the most uplifting piece so far. Still, I am not going to give up on myself. I know I am talented and will eventually be given a chance to prove myself. I just don’t know when. I am down but I am absolutely not out.
The big question now is what’s next? I’ve considered many possibilities, some more plausible than others. I could try to get an MBA or take the CFA. I could go back to school for something completely different. I’ve even kicked around the idea of going back into architecture, but it’s not something I’ve seriously looked into. I really enjoy writing, but I am fairly resigned to the fact it’s something I will do for fun but will probably never make any money doing.
I know this post has been completely about me and probably hasn’t been real entertaining. I wanted to write this for two reasons though. Being able to vent is important, and sometimes typing it on a page is every bit as good as confiding in someone face to face. The other reason is I know I’m not alone. The economy sucks right now. Just getting a college degree doesn’t guarantee you anything, and I absolutely know I’m not the only one struggling with this right now. I guess I just feel like this is identifiable to people in my position. I also think most successful people could see some of themselves in this also. Very few success stories just magically happen. The people who are on top of the mountain worked their asses off to get there. With continued work, I hope I can join them someday.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Everyone has heard of, and perhaps even tried, drunk goggles. Sure, they're good for a lark, but they don't serve any practical purpose or make the world a better place. On the other hand, their Bizarro counterpart, Sober Goggles, would bring us one step closer to Utopia.
Undeniably, drunk driving causes immeasurable heartache and strife. What if it was possible to make all drivers on the road sober? Obviously, the world will never rid itself of alcohol (nor should it), so I would like to do the next most effective thing.
Imagine, a bunch of guys tossing back round after round, not a DD or cab in sight. No worries, the wheelman tosses on his sober goggles when it's closing time, and suddenly feels as salient as ever. He calmly drives home perfectly, pulls into his driveway and everyone gets home safely and soundly. Of course, as soon as he's home, he takes off the goggles and passes out in the lawn, but it's his lawn, damnit!
There are a couple obvious drawbacks. The first is that since drunkards will be the ones using this life-saving product, it's easy to imagine them driving off with the goggles still residing in the glove box. The other is the technology doesn't exist...yet. Regardless, this is one of my favorite ideas which will never come to be.
True story: A couple years back, I was lying in bed, in an even darker place mentally than I usually reside. As I glanced around at the bare walls surrounding me, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I realize how gay this sounds, but one man can only drink so much and grow so much facial hair to change pace. I made a trip to Home Depot, gathered a bunch of supplies, and spent the next two days painting my room. When I was done, I realized a couple things. First, I was happy with the change. Second, painting is a huge pain in the ass.
Picture this, friends. You find yourself in a sullen state of mind. You decide you would like your surroundings to change so that your disposition changes somewhat also. Paint? Nope. Click the button on your wallmote, and underneath a film of plexiglass, your green walls shift to blue. Think the rotation on a belt sander. It would be the same motion, with four patterns on a loop. Possible? Probably not, but one of my favorite ideas nonetheless.
Antiperspirant for Mens' Nether-regions (Mantiperspirant)
Everyone other than hippies understands the importance and relevance of antiperspirant/deodorant for underarms. However, there is another region of the man's body which doesn't catch much air and gets considerably warm.
I wear khakis and slacks into work everyday, and the fabric is unforgiving. There is no airflow whatsoever, so things tend to get ripe and uncomfortable over the course of 8 hours. If there was a product to rememdy this awful ailment, I would be all over it. I realize this product isn't a real pleasant one to think about, but as an avid TV watcher, I am bombarded by disgusting women's hygeine product ads constantly. There is no way Mantiperspirant is any worse than all of that nonsense.
Alright friends, that's it for now. It feels good to be back, and I'll hopefully be updating slightly more often from now on.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Now, I generally regard myself to be a good person, but I'm certainly no Honest Abe either. I am by no means malicious with my lies. I don't mislead people to hurt them. I just tend to lie about the stupidest things. Mostly just when I'm answering questions like "How are you doing,", "What are you plans for the night/weekend,", "Do these pants make me look fat?" (No, your body does, but I'm not mean enough to say so.), stuff like that. I'm not saying I never answer these questions truthfully, but sometimes I say nay. I think it's because I don't like to pull the curtain back completely on my life. My life is extremely boring of course, but I've always been private by nature. I don't have any interesting skeletons in my closet (as far as you know), but I'm not a complete open book the way some people are.
So far, we haven't touched on anything overly Earth-shattering (or arguably, interesting) yet. Everyone tells little white lies. (Quick tangent: why are they called "little white lies"? Is it a euphamism suggesting that larger lies are darker and more dangerous, thus making the smaller ones "white". Anyway, I digress).
Thinking about my own lies made me think of something scary: If decent people like you and I lie a lot, what of the less scupulous sorts? Do they ever tell the truth? How do they live with themselves?
I once almost started dating a girl a few years back. We hung out for a few weeks, and then I found out through her friends that she was a few months pregnant with some other creep's child. When I pressed her about it, she claimed that she had been pregnant, but miscarried before we started hanging out. NOT TRUE! She absolutely was still knocked up. Not only that, but she had miscarried a year prior. She was 19 and had been knocked up multiple times in the same calendar year!!! Once I told her I knew with certainty that she had been lying, she turned the tables on me for going behind her back! This wasn't even true as I stumbled across the info accidentally, but whatever. Exclamation points!
Say we had started dating. What was she going to do when she started to show? Claim it was mine? I may not be well-versed on pregnancy, but the timing of the progression would have been a few months off. I'm sharp enough to pick up on that at some point. Just stop talking to me? Maybe, but then what was the point to begin with?
Ultimately, it worked out in my favor, as she sucked regardless of being with child. That's not the point though. The point is, how can people like that live with themselves, and how many webs of lies do they weave on a daily basis?
The lessons we have learned today are the following: Feel free to lie, but only if it is something that doesn't matter, and if you're pregnant, own up to it. Anywho, this post has been long, disjointed, and pointless, so I'm going to put it to bed, something I am looking forward to doing to myself as soon as this shift ends.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A gift from the skies above;
Lip hair from heaven.
A weather report:
Duluth cold as usual;
Balls inside torso.
World Cup has started.
Sportsmanship rules the tourney;
Ties for everyone!
You can't buy happiness.
Money can get jet skis though.
Close enough I'd say.
Hoverboards now real?
Fire up the Delorean!
Biff is still a dick.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
My favorite answer to the question "How's it going?" is "I can't complain!" even though I could complain about literally thousands of different things at any given moment (and clearly often do, as this blog post illustrates beautifully).
You never can fully appreciate how well Ibuprofen works until you have to deal with a splitting headache all day without it.
75% of drivers on the road today interpret "Yield" signs as "This sign doesn't fucking exist" signs and blow right through the intersection. In a cruel twist of fate, this often forces drivers on the non-yielding road to yield.
I get cravings for a specific type of food a lot. Many times I go get/make this food because of it, but it has never tasted as good in reality as it does in my head beforehand. Part of this is absolutely because I'm the one making it, but still.
I'm not sure that the idiom "Beer before liquor, you're going to be sicker," is true, but "4 pregame beers before a couple shots before 2 more beers before 2 different mixed drinks before 2 more beers before a shot before half of a meat and potato burrito before a nightcap at the house before bed, you're going to be sicker," is true 100% of the time.
Writing a post about random observations is great when you can't think of anything creative to write about.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Be it a barbeque, ballgame, or bonfire, beer and summer go together like lamb and tuna fish. With so many choices, which suds mesh best with summer?
Best Bet: Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy. I have discovered that if lemonade is mixed with virtually anything else, I'm in. Arnold Palmers and Jeremiah Weed with lemonade are crazy delicious, as is Summer Shandy. Beer and lemonade seems like an odd combo, but after I was introduced to a "Hop, Skip and Get Naked" (light beer, lemonade and a shot of vodka), I was hooked for life. It's great in the bottle and even better on tap where available.
Others Worth Considering: Sam Adams Summer Ale, Honey Moon, a pitcher of anything light and cheap
Stay-a-ways: Anything dark. It must be noted that I love pale ales and various other dark beers. The summer just isn't the right time for them. When I'm hibernating in the winter, I'm a stationary drunk, but in the summer I'm a drunk on the go! I can't have my beer slowing me down.
Whether it be an engagement, birthday, or division championship, celebrations tend to include drinks on some level. Should you celebrate with champagne? Probably, but I'm on a budget, asshole.
Best Bet: Stella Artois. It's not champagne, but it's as close as you can get with beer. It's bubbly, delicious and is even served in a sweet glass. I'm still not positive how to pronounce it, but I do know I like to drink it.
Others Worth Considering: Fat Tire, Grolsch, any variety of lambic (expensive but delicious)
Stay-a-ways: Anything overly cheap. Live a little for once!
Beer Pong Beer
As an ultra-competitive person, I have always loved sports. However, high school ended years ago, and I can't do intramurals anymore now that I have graduated college, so I have to channel my zeal for competition into other areas. Bowling, slow-pitch softball and beer pong have filled that void. Beer pong is bigger than ever before, but what is the best choice to chug when your opponents are pwning you, n00b?
Best Bet: Miller High Life. It's my personal choice when it comes to bottom shelf beers. It's affordable, easy to drink quickly, and cheap. That's really all you need for gaming beer.
Others Worth Considering: Keystone Light, PBR
Stay-a-ways: The Beast, Icehouse. Yeah, be cheap, but have some standards, man! Spend the extra 2 bucks for something that doesn't taste like it was brewed in a shoe.
That will do it for the Beer Index, Volume 2. Volume 3 will come...eventually. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!
Friday, April 23, 2010
My longtime, unrequited man-love for Usher is well known, so this should come as no surprise. It is his best video in my opinion, I always get a kick out of Ludacris calling him "Ursher" because it sounds so dumb, and more Lil Jon is always a plus. Speaking of Lil Jon, check out his high school grad pic if you feel like taking a ride in a ROFLcopter.
4. Britney Spears, "Oops, I Did it Again"; Christina Aguilera, "Dirrty" (tie)
Yes, having a tie is cheating and turns a Top Ten list into 11. It's my blog though, so I don't care. Both of these videos "touched" me in just the right way when they came out. When "Oops" came out, I thought Britney was the most perfect specimen I had ever seen. Clearly, she's had some hard times since, but it's nice to know that she can still dust off the Cheetos powder and look good when she feels like it.
Then, "Dirrty" came along a few years later. I was ready for a bad girl to come into my life (Virtually, of course. I did even worse with the ladies in high school than I do now, believe it or not.), and X-tina fit the bill. I actually like the song, too. Finally, it's nice to see Redman again, may he rest in peace. Wait, he's still alive? For sure? Hmm, who knew?
3. Kanye West ft. T-Pain, "Good Life"
If this was my favorite songs of all time, this would be number one. Alas, it will have to settle for number three. The song samples keys from Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T.", so all of the MJ references in the video are really cool. The other great part is whoever that girl is, she looks like an extremely fun carnival ride.
As an aside, life is rough when two of your favorite artists are Kanye and Chris Brown. I tell people that, and they stare at me as if I just called their mother a whore. It's not my fault they've done really stupid things, and it's not my fault they make great music. I will now hop off of my soapbox and finish up this countdown.
2. Tom Cochrane, "Life is a Highway"
Note: I can't embed this one due to request, so I will have to just link it here.
Everything about this song and video is awesome: The clothes and LEGO man haircut, the random odd people he meets, and the fact that it's a really good song. Clearly, the best part starts at the 3:16 mark though. When Cochrane whips the guitar on his back and does that weird leg shimmy thing, magic happens. As a man who can't dance whatsoever, even I can say it's brutal. The brutality is what makes it great though, so I am indebted to TC for life.
1. Michael Jackson, "Thriller"
I realize I don't win any unique points for calling "Thriller" the greatest music video of all time. Whatever though, just because it's not original doesn't make it wrong. This video was way ahead of its time, the song is awesome, and the story is actually interesting. Truth be told, I could have made half of this list MJ videos, but that wouldn't be any fun. The man lived a truly strange life, but he was supremely gifted and earned his place in history.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Something important to keep in mind about this list is that it isn't my top ten favorite songs. Some of these songs are God-awful, but I have a method to my madness. Also, it's a bit long, so I chopped it into two parts, with Part Two coming tomorrow. Alright, enough jibber-jabber, let's get it on!
10. Korn, "Freak on a Leash"
As I recall, "Freak" was the first non-N'Sync/Backstreet Boys video to be #1 on TRL. I drink a lot, so I may be remembering that wrong, but it sounds right to me. Even though the graphics seem pretty run of the mill now, the bullet destroying everything was state of the art at the time. Plus, it serves as a reminder that Korn made good music at one point.
9. N'Sync, "Drive Myself Crazy"
I realize I am putting my manhood on the line by including this, but hear me out. This video came out years before Lance Bass did the same. Watching him pretend to like girls is HI-larious. I am almost certain the "she loves me, she loves me not" move he pulls in it was his idea. In a video where everything is pretty gay, he still stands out (not that there's anything wrong with that). Oh, and seeing Timberlake with the bleached hair is always entertaining.
8. Justin Timberlake, "Cry Me a River"
Back to back Timberlake! Anyway, this makes it because it is the anthem for any dude who has dated or, God-forbid, has been married to an unscrupulous woman. Guys always get a bad rap when it comes to relationships, but girls can suck pretty hard too, mostly because they are evil. Alright, time to recapture my masculinity.
7. Chris Brown, "Gimme That"
Before the horrible incident with Rihanna, Chris Brown was pegged to be the next Michael Jackson. He clearly has all the talent in the world, but it's almost impossible to believe he will ever be quite that popular again. Alright, enough with the serious stuff.
6. Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys, "Empire State of Mind"
Even though it's pretty overplayed, "Empire" is NYC's new anthem. The video almost makes me feel like I'm there, possibly getting mugged. Plus, like Jay, I will also be 'hood forever, so it seemed like a natural choice. Sure, Alicia Keys has looked much hotter, but who wants to pick nits?
So that does it for Part One. I shall return with Part Two. Until then, watch this. (Thanks for the heads-up, Tosh.0)
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The options for facial hair are virtually endless. The question is, what does a man's face fuzz say about the content of his character? Let's get to it.
A Big, Grizzly Beard
You've never met a razor you like. You may have designs on being a mall Santa at some point. You may be a lumberjack. Homeless? Possibly. Lazy? Definitely.
You are: A. In law enforcement. B. Really into NASCAR. C. Gay.
You enjoy facial hair, but maybe you're not all in. Maybe "the Man" tells you that's all the facial hair you're allowed. Or maybe you are a legend. No matter the situation, sideburns are a great warm-up for the facial hair big leagues.
Handlebars and Fu Manchus
You like attention. There is a high probability you are a Hall of Fame pitcher with an odd name. Or you're just an idiot.
...and that does it for our first foray into the land of facial hair! We shall return again soon.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Chilling and Watching the Game Beer
You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?
- Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
- Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
- Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?
Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?
- Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with yourself...in the shower! Excellent!
- Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
- Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.
Girly Drinks for Men
Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?
- Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
- Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
- Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.
Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer
Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.
Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.