Thursday, July 8, 2010

Inventions I Wish I Could Invent

I'm not a wealthy man. Rich in love, sure, but not monetarily. It is my belief that if I was capable of cranking out one of the following inventions, my pockets would be stuffed with green. Due to fiscal and, in certain cases, practical reasons, I will never be able to make any of these exist. Luckily for you however, I can write about them. Let's do it!

Sober Goggles

Everyone has heard of, and perhaps even tried, drunk goggles. Sure, they're good for a lark, but they don't serve any practical purpose or make the world a better place. On the other hand, their Bizarro counterpart, Sober Goggles, would bring us one step closer to Utopia.

Undeniably, drunk driving causes immeasurable heartache and strife. What if it was possible to make all drivers on the road sober? Obviously, the world will never rid itself of alcohol (nor should it), so I would like to do the next most effective thing.

Imagine, a bunch of guys tossing back round after round, not a DD or cab in sight. No worries, the wheelman tosses on his sober goggles when it's closing time, and suddenly feels as salient as ever. He calmly drives home perfectly, pulls into his driveway and everyone gets home safely and soundly. Of course, as soon as he's home, he takes off the goggles and passes out in the lawn, but it's his lawn, damnit!

There are a couple obvious drawbacks. The first is that since drunkards will be the ones using this life-saving product, it's easy to imagine them driving off with the goggles still residing in the glove box. The other is the technology doesn't exist...yet. Regardless, this is one of my favorite ideas which will never come to be.

Rotating Wallpaper

True story: A couple years back, I was lying in bed, in an even darker place mentally than I usually reside. As I glanced around at the bare walls surrounding me, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I realize how gay this sounds, but one man can only drink so much and grow so much facial hair to change pace. I made a trip to Home Depot, gathered a bunch of supplies, and spent the next two days painting my room. When I was done, I realized a couple things. First, I was happy with the change. Second, painting is a huge pain in the ass.

Picture this, friends. You find yourself in a sullen state of mind. You decide you would like your surroundings to change so that your disposition changes somewhat also. Paint? Nope. Click the button on your wallmote, and underneath a film of plexiglass, your green walls shift to blue. Think the rotation on a belt sander. It would be the same motion, with four patterns on a loop. Possible? Probably not, but one of my favorite ideas nonetheless.

Antiperspirant for Mens' Nether-regions (Mantiperspirant)

Everyone other than hippies understands the importance and relevance of antiperspirant/deodorant for underarms. However, there is another region of the man's body which doesn't catch much air and gets considerably warm.

I wear khakis and slacks into work everyday, and the fabric is unforgiving. There is no airflow whatsoever, so things tend to get ripe and uncomfortable over the course of 8 hours. If there was a product to rememdy this awful ailment, I would be all over it. I realize this product isn't a real pleasant one to think about, but as an avid TV watcher, I am bombarded by disgusting women's hygeine product ads constantly. There is no way Mantiperspirant is any worse than all of that nonsense.

Alright friends, that's it for now. It feels good to be back, and I'll hopefully be updating slightly more often from now on.

1 comment:

  1. I appreciate the specificity of your wallpaper proposal (4 colors to choose from) and it's Terry Gilliam movie-like fabrication. I've considered a less original variation of this concept which basically amounted to all walls being giant TVs. This was kind of explored in Total Recall also.