Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Beer Index, Volume 1

They say you should write about what you know, and that's exactly what I am going to do. I present to you the Beer Index, Volume 1.

Chilling and Watching the Game Beer

You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?

  • Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
  • Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
  • Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?

Shower Beer

Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?

  • Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with the shower! Excellent!
  • Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
  • Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.

Girly Drinks for Men

Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?

  • Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
  • Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
  • Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.

Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer

Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.

Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.