Friday, April 15, 2011

The Summer of Tom

Now that summer is just around a few more corners, I am reminded of an old ritual from my past. At the dawn of each new summer, for three or four years running, I would tell my buddy Aaron that the upcoming season would be The Summer of Tom.

Why? Well, I stole the idea from George Costanza. The Summer of George was an unmitigated disaster, so I'm not sure why this was the idea I chose to steal. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Predictably, the SOTs always were sorely disappointing. It's not to say that my summers were horrible, but when you name a season after yourself, you have extremely high hopes. How high? Lemme tell ya.

Jacked, Tanned, and Ready to Party

I dislike working out. Once I pull my fat ass to the gym, I'm fine. The problem is the whole forcing myself to go. The couch and 12 oz. curls are more appealing to me than a bench and 25 lbs. curls. Still, Duluth has Park Point and Park Point has scores of women. I wanted in on some of that action, but I needed some honey to attract those flies. Wait, that didn't sound right. I needed to look fly to attract the honeys. Yeah, that's it. Unfortunately, my goals of looking like this always turned out like this.

Pimpin' All Over the World

(Quick Tangent: I always loved the song and video for "Pimpin' All Over the World", but Luda picked the 50th best looking girl in the video. He's pimpin' ALL over the world! You can do better, Luda. Back to the nonsense.)

Even during the SOTs I was somewhat realistic about my prospects with females. Still, the season was named after me! I had to get somewhat lucky. Unfortunately, women don't flock to the golf course or my living room. Plus, the bar never works for me because I'm either too shy to approach anyone or too drunk to be coherent. It's less than ideal. Point is, I did not get any action. What did I think it was, November? (Inside joke.)

Ruling the World With an Iron Fist

I was in college during the SOTs, so I knew I wouldn't be thrust into an important position at a Fortune 500 company. That said, I figured I would finally score the internship which would lead to the full-time position which would lead to promotions which would lead to this. After all, I know what it takes to be successful in the corporate world. So what jobs did I have during those summers? I was a Bellman, a Guest Services Representative and a failed Insurance Agent. Damnit.

A few years ago, I finally gave up. Why set myself up to fail? I realize the Summers of Tom (Summer of Toms?) were a failure, and that I had much too high expectations for them. Still, I don't regret a thing. To be the best or to have the best, you need to want the best. George Costanza knew that, and so do I. At least I did.

This has been a good year, so I really shouldn't jinx it. Why tempt fate again? Ah screw it.

June-September 2011 shall be THE SUMMER OF TOM!!!

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