I spent this past weekend down in Iowa with my buddies Aaron and Joe. While down there, we may have gone out, and I may have tried to put some moves on some women. As hilarious as I'm sure this was to watch, I also learned something: I have the same move every single time. The beginning, middle and (unfortunately) end is almost always the same. One afternoon we got to thinking, and I decided to put a name to my move. It is "The 4 S Process".
Once again, this is an idea taken from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (It's almost like I like that show or something) and "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System". The way it works is Dennis' character has a foolproof method for picking up women, and the steps in the system all coincide with the letters in his name. The differences are that first of all, I didn't cram it into my name because I wanted it to be accurate to what I do on a weekly basis, and also that my system is horribly ineffective. With no adieu at all, here is "The 4 S Process".
1. Sidle up to a group of girls
The key is to acting like you belong there. Maybe they will even think you know one of the other girls at first. The point is, if you creep up slowly and obviously, you will be spotted right away. On the other hand, if you swoop in quickly and seemingly with a purpose, you might not get bounced out right away. If I'm not immediately shunned, I move on to step two, which is...
2. Strike up a conversation
Sometimes when I take my spot at their table by force, there is a natural break in the conversation which allows me to begin a new one. Other times they may be talking about something and I will have a chance to interject. The thing that care least about is the topic. As long as everyone is talking and I'm not getting kicked to the curb, I'm happy. This can get me into hot water, though. This past weekend I asked someone if she was as excited as I am about the new Vikings stadium agreement despite the political implications. She looked at me like I'm the dumbest person alive and said, "I'm in Iowa, I don't care." I forgot I was in Iowa! The little care I put into the conversations may be the first major flaw in my process. Regardless, if I avoid all landmines, I hone in on my target. This part is easy. Sometimes one of the girls seems somewhat interested in me where the rest don't, other times I have clearly off-put all but one, and I'm holding on for dear life. Either way, I then move on to step three, and...
3. Slide my arm around my target
This step is a little different from time to time. If the girl actually seems into me, I will full-on sling my arm around her. If not so much, I will put it around her chair. Still, it essentially works out the same. This is where my process tends to fall apart. She realizes I haven't said anything of real value the whole time, I realize that I made virtually no impression, so I...
4. Slink away in shame
Since I am a terrible dancer and hate doing it, this is the only move I've got. Probably time to go back to the drawing board. Anyway, we thought it was humorous so I decided to share. Stay tuned for the Beer Postseason.