Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Embarrassment Scale

From the creator of "The Dating Scale", we now bring you "The Embarrassment Scale"!

Embarrassment is a fact of life. Even the smoothest people occasionally trip up. Not all faux pas are created equal though. I've never seen anyone try to quantify it before, so screw it, why don't I do it? This scale is slightly different than "The Dating Scale", because it isn't an aggregate, just a one-shot score. Blah, blah, blah, let's do this thing.

10 points: Sneezing and accidentally snot-rocketing; Tripping upstairs

Yeah, it will redden your face, but it's all forgotten 10 minutes later. (The snot rocket is the close cousin of being in customer service and helping someone when your nose starts to run and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't you hate that?)

25 points: A boner in sweatpants in public; Accidentally farting in confirmation class

This is where stuff starts following you a little bit. Not life-altering, but you will definitely be hearing about it for quite awhile. No one wants to be remembered for untoward actions such as these...oh, and I definitely never cut one during confirmation.

40 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for another guy

Or if you are a female, the opposite of course. This one sucks because it isn't necessarily your fault. Still, people will be talking, and you will be pissed every time you think about it. Also, more permanent than anything else lower on the scale. The only good part about it is everyone feels bad for you for awhile, which I guess helps.

50 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for a girl

Ouch. I'm not saying it's really possible for someone to "flip" someone else. Chances are, they are either into both or this is something they had inside them since forever. Still, the perception of some less educated people will be that you drove them to this. Yikes.

75 points: Being fired for embezzlement

This level is different in that it is thoroughly embarrassing, yet wholly that person's fault. This is my favorite part of the scale because the rest of the examples on this list are people you feel empathy for. Here, you can ridicule them relentlessly without remorse because they deserve it. I honestly can't figure out how people think embezzlement is ever a good idea. I realize that they are usually hard up because of a gambling problem or drug habit, but has it ever worked, even once? It can be hilarious though!

100 points: Being left at the altar

Both horribly embarrassing and completely devastating. Honestly, I don't know how people bounce back from something like this (Though, truth be told, I'm sure it's exceptionally rare, despite what TV and shitty movies might have you believe.).

Now, the rest is up to you. These are just examples on a sliding scale. Any act could fit in here somewhere, just depending on how bad it is.

The ol' blog is going dark for the rest of the weekend. I will catch ya next week sometime.

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