Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Dating Scale

If you ever watch TV (which I do, extensively), you've seen commercials for eHarmony way too often. They use "29 Dimensions of Compatability" to try to set people up. If you ask me, 29 levels seems outrageous. I have devised a scale to help you figure out whether someone could be the one for you.

The way the Shefchik Scale works is simple. I have attached a point value to different facets that make up a relationship. There is a total of 100, and you need to score at least a 75 unless you want to be miserable with someone. Sounds fun, right?! Also, it's not Binary. Everything is on a sliding scale. For instance, if you would rate someone's physical attractiveness as an 8, they get 16 for that category. Let's get started.

Level of attraction: 20 points

Let's face it, someone could be nearly perfect for you in every way, but if you don't feel a twinge below from looking at him/her, you can be best friends but that's about it. I realize 20 points may seem steep, but hey, I'm shallow.

Eating habits: 10 points

Sneaky important. For instance, I grill about 5 times a week in the summer. Because of that, it would be extremely hard for me to ever date a vegetarian. Oh, I'm sure there are meatless things that can technically be tossed on a grill, but I don't want to destroy the sanctity of my beautiful barbecue. I't a meat-only zone. Also, it would make it really hard in other ways. Buying double groceries, having a tough time choosing restaurants to go to. A headache I'd rather live without.

Common hobbies/nightlife habits: 20 points

How can you date someone if you can't find anything fun to do together? Being able to find stuff to do, movies to watch, TV shows you both like, etc. Also, if you like a lot of the same things, you will have more to talk about too. It gets pretty awkward if you are with someone and you spend the better part of your time together sitting in painful silence.

That being said, it's kind of nice to have some differing hobbies. The one time I tried to take a girlfriend golfing was the least fun round I've ever played. She was miserable, which made me miserable, which made me play even worse than usual. Because of this, I have no problem with a girl who doesn't golf. I will just play with my buddies and she will do whatever it is that girls do. Perfect.

Sports allegiances/interests: 10 points

This one is simple. If the significant other roots for the same teams, it's a perfect 10. Root for a random team you don't care about or don't care about sports? 5 points. Root for your favorite team's biggest rival? 0 points, and may God have mercy on their soul. I've gone on dates with Packers fans, and it is no fun. Plus, what if things got real serious, I ended up with her, had kids, and they rooted for Green Bay? I would freak out, grow a beard and drink milk straight from the carton.

Their family: 15 points

Nothing they can do about it, but still of vital importance. Can't stand their parents? Sounds like Christmas won't be so merry if you end up with him/her. Plus, who wants to start a family with someone who will make crappy grandparents/inlaws.

Another important point. Looking at how your significant other's parents age gives a window into the future. Hopefully she's a MILF!

Whoreishness: 25 points

A tough one, because there's no good way to ask someone, "Hey, are you a whore?" Still, it's on a need to know basis. For one thing, it's no fun climbing into bed with someone and feeling like you just slept with the entire Big Ten Conference. The other reason it's so important is loyalty. A relationship can't work without trust. That's why I've put so much emphasis on this category. It's essentially pass/fail.

Ok, that's it. Now, for the fun/terrifying part. Do you have a girlfriend/ex/slampiece? Tally up your points with them and see where they land. For your sake, I hope they are over 75.

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