Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with me knows I enjoy words. I certainly enjoy word play. My blog is named Shefonomics and my terrible fantasy football team is named Mendenhall and Oates after all. Strangely enough, I have never particularly cared for Scrabble. I would like to take the time now to share with you some of my favorite words and phrases.
Hacked off: Canada has always amused me. I think it's funny that they have plum sauce instead of barbecue sauce, I think it's funny that they have money called Loonies and Twonies and I think it's interesting that absolutely everything up there is plastered in maple leaves. But my favorite thing about Canada is the way they talk, and not just their accents. The words they use tickle me and none more than when they say something "hacks them off". In all honesty it makes every bit as much sense as saying you're pissed off but it just sounds hilarious to me for whatever reason.
Indubitably: Because it is way longer than necessary to say when all you really need to say is yes. It makes me feel smarter and douchier when I use it.
Creme fraiche: Because of South Park. I'd link it but I'm typing on my phone. My laptop took a crap which partially explains why the last night of October is my first post of the month. I'm doing this because I love you all very much.
Snatch, domed and tubed: For steal, indoor football stadiums and pipes. Get your minds out of the gutter and pass the butter.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tomservations 2
It is not a good idea to relieve yourself in the pool. It is an especially bad idea to relieve yourself in the pool if you're wearing a white swimsuit.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...unless you hate yourself. Then just be nice.
After watching the VMAs and Lady Gaga's awful impersonation of a man, I am 100% convinced she doesn't have a hanglow. Oh yeah, and Britney Spears is really hot again. Noticed that, too.
If it's Saturday night, you are getting ready to go out and you don't have a beer in the shower, you just aren't trying.
The Twins are now 9-33 in their last 42 games. It's pretty awful that I envy KC Royals fans at this point. At least I won't have to watch the Yankees embarrass them in the playoffs yet again this fall.
I'm not sure if ladies' "time of the month" clocks actually do sync up, but roommates' laundry and shower ones absolutely do.
If something (or someone) seems way too easy, then it is.
The first time I've actually been excited to watch the Timberwolves play in over half a decade, and the NBA is locked out. I don't even know why I like sports.
I wish "In-N-Out Burger" was called "In-N-Out-N-In-Again" purely for comedic purposes.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...unless you hate yourself. Then just be nice.
After watching the VMAs and Lady Gaga's awful impersonation of a man, I am 100% convinced she doesn't have a hanglow. Oh yeah, and Britney Spears is really hot again. Noticed that, too.
If it's Saturday night, you are getting ready to go out and you don't have a beer in the shower, you just aren't trying.
The Twins are now 9-33 in their last 42 games. It's pretty awful that I envy KC Royals fans at this point. At least I won't have to watch the Yankees embarrass them in the playoffs yet again this fall.
I'm not sure if ladies' "time of the month" clocks actually do sync up, but roommates' laundry and shower ones absolutely do.
If something (or someone) seems way too easy, then it is.
The first time I've actually been excited to watch the Timberwolves play in over half a decade, and the NBA is locked out. I don't even know why I like sports.
I wish "In-N-Out Burger" was called "In-N-Out-N-In-Again" purely for comedic purposes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Summer of Tom: In Review
Back in April, I told all of you about my former ill-fated decisions to decree a series of Summers during college "The Summer of Tom", all of which were unmitigated failures. After much deliberation, I chose to roll the dice one more time.
As much as I loathe thinking that the Summer is over, the fact is, it is. While I love fall, most notably the return of football and Halloween, I am never ready for Fall. Summer is preciously short around here, and I'm lazy, so I invariably wind up wasting too many beautiful days even though I know they are in short supply. Oh well, it's time for me to move on. My friends, it is time to recap my adventure.
The three main categories I broke down originally were getting into sweet shape, becoming a lady killer and ruling the world professionally, the three cogs of any important endeavor.
As far as my body goes, it is still fairly mediocre but unfat. I have been horrible at making myself work out. I still eat a very unhealthy diet. By all rights, I should be a house, so I will call that a draw.
When it comes to the ladies, I had a girlfriend incredibly briefly (we all know how that worked out), and did reasonably well for myself the rest of the summer. Besides, I am still disease-free (which is the way to be, after all) and am almost certain I am childless still, so I will call that a squeaker of a victory.
Professionally, I still don't rule the world with an iron fist. I do not possess a corner office, a private jet or a mansion with a pool house...yet. However, my company treats me well, I received a promotion and I haven't been fired. Another win for Tommy Boy.
In a more general sense, I would say this summer went swimmingly. I made it down to the Twin Cities to hang with my buddies a few times, I had an awesome birthday, things have gone well at the new house and I've made some new friends. Yeah, I didn't play as much golf as I would have liked or gone out of town quite enough, but I never do. It was still a very fun summer.
I can honestly say, for the first time ever, The Summer of Tom was a success. Hmm, maybe I should predict "AuTom" next? Nah.
As much as I loathe thinking that the Summer is over, the fact is, it is. While I love fall, most notably the return of football and Halloween, I am never ready for Fall. Summer is preciously short around here, and I'm lazy, so I invariably wind up wasting too many beautiful days even though I know they are in short supply. Oh well, it's time for me to move on. My friends, it is time to recap my adventure.
The three main categories I broke down originally were getting into sweet shape, becoming a lady killer and ruling the world professionally, the three cogs of any important endeavor.
As far as my body goes, it is still fairly mediocre but unfat. I have been horrible at making myself work out. I still eat a very unhealthy diet. By all rights, I should be a house, so I will call that a draw.
When it comes to the ladies, I had a girlfriend incredibly briefly (we all know how that worked out), and did reasonably well for myself the rest of the summer. Besides, I am still disease-free (which is the way to be, after all) and am almost certain I am childless still, so I will call that a squeaker of a victory.
Professionally, I still don't rule the world with an iron fist. I do not possess a corner office, a private jet or a mansion with a pool house...yet. However, my company treats me well, I received a promotion and I haven't been fired. Another win for Tommy Boy.
In a more general sense, I would say this summer went swimmingly. I made it down to the Twin Cities to hang with my buddies a few times, I had an awesome birthday, things have gone well at the new house and I've made some new friends. Yeah, I didn't play as much golf as I would have liked or gone out of town quite enough, but I never do. It was still a very fun summer.
I can honestly say, for the first time ever, The Summer of Tom was a success. Hmm, maybe I should predict "AuTom" next? Nah.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A Conversation With My 15 Year Old Self
15 year old me: Whoa, are you...me?
25 year old me: Yep. I somehow aquired a time machine and decided to pay you a visit.
15: That's so cool! How old are you? 34, 35?
25: ...25.
15: Yikes. Looks like it's been some hard living for you the last decade.
25: Shut up. Do you have any questions about the future?
15: Hell yes! How is being an architect?
25: Um, I'm sort of not one.
15: What? But that's what I want to do!
25: Yes, you do. But after awhile, you sort of just won't want to be one anymore.
15 That doesn't make sense!
25: Please stop yelling at me. I'm nursing a bit of a hangover.
15: What do you mean? I don't drink.
25: No you don't. Stay golden, wonder-child.
15: Have you at least designed your own house yet?
25: I'm sort of renting still. The economy is going to take a nosedive soon. Lay off me, I've got a lot on my plate.
15: Whatever. So am I going to start doing better with girls soon?
25: I wouldn't hold your breath.
15: Well what about you? How are you doing with the ladies?
25: Better than you!
15: Like that's real hard! This has been so depressing so far. Why did you come here?
25: Because it is always important to remember where you came from.
15: Fair enough. Wait, you're from the future. What advice do you have for me?
25: Spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Enjoy every moment of organized sports in high school, because let's face it, we aren't Big 10 material. Don't be afraid to take chances every once in awhile. Oh, and never, ever sell insurance.
15: That all makes sense. Wait, though. Now that I know what's going to happen, I can just change it and the future won't be the one you have lived.
25: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
15: Why not?
25: For one, I like my life. For two, it could end up just like "The Butterfly Effect" and...
15: What's that?
25: Oh yeah, it's a movie that doesn't exist yet. It's where Ashton Kutcher...never mind. The point is, it's impossible to know how much you could change by knowing the future when no one else does.
15: Yeah, well how do you plan on stopping me.
25: I have the brain erase zapper from the "Men in Black" movies.
15: Movies, as in more than one? Besides, that doesn't exist in real life.
25: This is my blog. Whatever I want to exist, does.
::ZAP::
25 year old me: Yep. I somehow aquired a time machine and decided to pay you a visit.
15: That's so cool! How old are you? 34, 35?
25: ...25.
15: Yikes. Looks like it's been some hard living for you the last decade.
25: Shut up. Do you have any questions about the future?
15: Hell yes! How is being an architect?
25: Um, I'm sort of not one.
15: What? But that's what I want to do!
25: Yes, you do. But after awhile, you sort of just won't want to be one anymore.
15 That doesn't make sense!
25: Please stop yelling at me. I'm nursing a bit of a hangover.
15: What do you mean? I don't drink.
25: No you don't. Stay golden, wonder-child.
15: Have you at least designed your own house yet?
25: I'm sort of renting still. The economy is going to take a nosedive soon. Lay off me, I've got a lot on my plate.
15: Whatever. So am I going to start doing better with girls soon?
25: I wouldn't hold your breath.
15: Well what about you? How are you doing with the ladies?
25: Better than you!
15: Like that's real hard! This has been so depressing so far. Why did you come here?
25: Because it is always important to remember where you came from.
15: Fair enough. Wait, you're from the future. What advice do you have for me?
25: Spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Enjoy every moment of organized sports in high school, because let's face it, we aren't Big 10 material. Don't be afraid to take chances every once in awhile. Oh, and never, ever sell insurance.
15: That all makes sense. Wait, though. Now that I know what's going to happen, I can just change it and the future won't be the one you have lived.
25: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
15: Why not?
25: For one, I like my life. For two, it could end up just like "The Butterfly Effect" and...
15: What's that?
25: Oh yeah, it's a movie that doesn't exist yet. It's where Ashton Kutcher...never mind. The point is, it's impossible to know how much you could change by knowing the future when no one else does.
15: Yeah, well how do you plan on stopping me.
25: I have the brain erase zapper from the "Men in Black" movies.
15: Movies, as in more than one? Besides, that doesn't exist in real life.
25: This is my blog. Whatever I want to exist, does.
::ZAP::
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Embarrassment Scale
From the creator of "The Dating Scale", we now bring you "The Embarrassment Scale"!
Embarrassment is a fact of life. Even the smoothest people occasionally trip up. Not all faux pas are created equal though. I've never seen anyone try to quantify it before, so screw it, why don't I do it? This scale is slightly different than "The Dating Scale", because it isn't an aggregate, just a one-shot score. Blah, blah, blah, let's do this thing.
10 points: Sneezing and accidentally snot-rocketing; Tripping upstairs
Yeah, it will redden your face, but it's all forgotten 10 minutes later. (The snot rocket is the close cousin of being in customer service and helping someone when your nose starts to run and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't you hate that?)
25 points: A boner in sweatpants in public; Accidentally farting in confirmation class
This is where stuff starts following you a little bit. Not life-altering, but you will definitely be hearing about it for quite awhile. No one wants to be remembered for untoward actions such as these...oh, and I definitely never cut one during confirmation.
40 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for another guy
Or if you are a female, the opposite of course. This one sucks because it isn't necessarily your fault. Still, people will be talking, and you will be pissed every time you think about it. Also, more permanent than anything else lower on the scale. The only good part about it is everyone feels bad for you for awhile, which I guess helps.
50 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for a girl
Ouch. I'm not saying it's really possible for someone to "flip" someone else. Chances are, they are either into both or this is something they had inside them since forever. Still, the perception of some less educated people will be that you drove them to this. Yikes.
75 points: Being fired for embezzlement
This level is different in that it is thoroughly embarrassing, yet wholly that person's fault. This is my favorite part of the scale because the rest of the examples on this list are people you feel empathy for. Here, you can ridicule them relentlessly without remorse because they deserve it. I honestly can't figure out how people think embezzlement is ever a good idea. I realize that they are usually hard up because of a gambling problem or drug habit, but has it ever worked, even once? It can be hilarious though!
100 points: Being left at the altar
Both horribly embarrassing and completely devastating. Honestly, I don't know how people bounce back from something like this (Though, truth be told, I'm sure it's exceptionally rare, despite what TV and shitty movies might have you believe.).
Now, the rest is up to you. These are just examples on a sliding scale. Any act could fit in here somewhere, just depending on how bad it is.
The ol' blog is going dark for the rest of the weekend. I will catch ya next week sometime.
Embarrassment is a fact of life. Even the smoothest people occasionally trip up. Not all faux pas are created equal though. I've never seen anyone try to quantify it before, so screw it, why don't I do it? This scale is slightly different than "The Dating Scale", because it isn't an aggregate, just a one-shot score. Blah, blah, blah, let's do this thing.
10 points: Sneezing and accidentally snot-rocketing; Tripping upstairs
Yeah, it will redden your face, but it's all forgotten 10 minutes later. (The snot rocket is the close cousin of being in customer service and helping someone when your nose starts to run and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't you hate that?)
25 points: A boner in sweatpants in public; Accidentally farting in confirmation class
This is where stuff starts following you a little bit. Not life-altering, but you will definitely be hearing about it for quite awhile. No one wants to be remembered for untoward actions such as these...oh, and I definitely never cut one during confirmation.
40 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for another guy
Or if you are a female, the opposite of course. This one sucks because it isn't necessarily your fault. Still, people will be talking, and you will be pissed every time you think about it. Also, more permanent than anything else lower on the scale. The only good part about it is everyone feels bad for you for awhile, which I guess helps.
50 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for a girl
Ouch. I'm not saying it's really possible for someone to "flip" someone else. Chances are, they are either into both or this is something they had inside them since forever. Still, the perception of some less educated people will be that you drove them to this. Yikes.
75 points: Being fired for embezzlement
This level is different in that it is thoroughly embarrassing, yet wholly that person's fault. This is my favorite part of the scale because the rest of the examples on this list are people you feel empathy for. Here, you can ridicule them relentlessly without remorse because they deserve it. I honestly can't figure out how people think embezzlement is ever a good idea. I realize that they are usually hard up because of a gambling problem or drug habit, but has it ever worked, even once? It can be hilarious though!
100 points: Being left at the altar
Both horribly embarrassing and completely devastating. Honestly, I don't know how people bounce back from something like this (Though, truth be told, I'm sure it's exceptionally rare, despite what TV and shitty movies might have you believe.).
Now, the rest is up to you. These are just examples on a sliding scale. Any act could fit in here somewhere, just depending on how bad it is.
The ol' blog is going dark for the rest of the weekend. I will catch ya next week sometime.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Turning Can't-Win Into Can't-Lose!
Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that may seem like lost causes. However, when examined in the proper light, it becomes clear that the situations have been misunderstood, and they are actually opportunities to excel. Observe.
Getting to a Bar and Finding No Women
Sausage fests aren't ideal. All single guys (and some taken men) are always thinking about trying to pick up women when they go out. It's a fact. But think of it this way: If you go to a bar packed with eligible women and go home empty-handed (literally), you get mad and feel like a loser. At least in my experience, there is an overwhelmingly high probability of this being the final outcome. But, if you go to a bar where nary a girl is found, other than the ones with their boyfriends, there is no one to strike out with. No reason to get down on yourself! You can't take home a woman who doesn't exist. This scenario also allows you to concentrate on the important things in life, like beer, wings, beer, pool, beer, buddies, darts and beer. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Rain on an Off Day
I am like everyone else, so I like to make grand plans for my days off, including Sundays. The problem is, Sundays are also my day of rest, so I find myself on the couch in front of the TV on most of them. If it a beautiful, sunny Sunday, I hate myself for wasting it. If it's shitty out, I feel much better about myself. "I should be on the couch! Only an idiot would be out in this stuff." So, does golf or frolf or BBQing happen? No, but neither does crippling self-loathing.
Rooting for a Terrible Sports Team
Trust me, I've had plenty of practice. Obviously, I want nothing more than my favorite teams to win it all. At the same time, getting kicked in the stomach is much more painful than knowing your team sucks all year. The Vikings losing in 3 NFC Championship Games since 1998 has been excruciating. The Timberwolves being awful since 2005 has been annoying. Annoying is more palatable. Make no mistake, I still have better memories from those Vikings seasons than the Wolves ones, but at least the Wolves have inflicted less pain. This one is sort of a win by default, but who cares, it's my blog.
I'm sure there are countless more examples of this phenomenon. I may even share more with you someday. That's all I have for now though, because daddy needs his nap.
Getting to a Bar and Finding No Women
Sausage fests aren't ideal. All single guys (and some taken men) are always thinking about trying to pick up women when they go out. It's a fact. But think of it this way: If you go to a bar packed with eligible women and go home empty-handed (literally), you get mad and feel like a loser. At least in my experience, there is an overwhelmingly high probability of this being the final outcome. But, if you go to a bar where nary a girl is found, other than the ones with their boyfriends, there is no one to strike out with. No reason to get down on yourself! You can't take home a woman who doesn't exist. This scenario also allows you to concentrate on the important things in life, like beer, wings, beer, pool, beer, buddies, darts and beer. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Rain on an Off Day
I am like everyone else, so I like to make grand plans for my days off, including Sundays. The problem is, Sundays are also my day of rest, so I find myself on the couch in front of the TV on most of them. If it a beautiful, sunny Sunday, I hate myself for wasting it. If it's shitty out, I feel much better about myself. "I should be on the couch! Only an idiot would be out in this stuff." So, does golf or frolf or BBQing happen? No, but neither does crippling self-loathing.
Rooting for a Terrible Sports Team
Trust me, I've had plenty of practice. Obviously, I want nothing more than my favorite teams to win it all. At the same time, getting kicked in the stomach is much more painful than knowing your team sucks all year. The Vikings losing in 3 NFC Championship Games since 1998 has been excruciating. The Timberwolves being awful since 2005 has been annoying. Annoying is more palatable. Make no mistake, I still have better memories from those Vikings seasons than the Wolves ones, but at least the Wolves have inflicted less pain. This one is sort of a win by default, but who cares, it's my blog.
I'm sure there are countless more examples of this phenomenon. I may even share more with you someday. That's all I have for now though, because daddy needs his nap.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Closing Time...Almost
No, I'm not talking about the decent, but severely overplayed song. I'm talking about the summer. It isn't over yet, so I'm not quite ready to give my full recap of the Summer of Tom yet. Still, it's drawing near. It's that time of year where it is still awesome out during the day, but in Duluth, Minnesota, the nights and mornings have a distinct chill in the air. I actually kind of like it, because as a professional sleeper, the cooler air is conducive to me sleeping at an optimal level. Still, it is kind of depressing because I know my short summer is almost over.
I am always conflicted this time of year. I love summer and am never ready for it to be over. Also, when I was in school I always naturally dreaded going back every year. Now that I'm an adult, my life is always pretty much the same monotony regardless of the season (I like my life, but it's a fact). At the same time, falls around here are awesome too. Plus, it means football is back, which (in general and specifically the Vikings) are my first and truest love.
Perhaps the most depressing part of fall is all of the hot girls flying south for the winter with the birds. I'm sure they would claim they are still here all winter, but I know it's not true. It can't be possible that a sea of gorgeous women can only yield some snow bunnies if they are all actually still here. (Ok, fine. They are here all year and I'm a pig. Whatever. All I know is it's one more major point in the summer's favor.)
The other somewhat overlooked advantage of the summer is walking. No, I don't generally like to walk. Ever. However, I do like to go out, as has been well-documented on this blog. I don't like going to jail, so I avoid drinking and driving. That is much easier when all that is left between me and home is a pleasant stroll on a summer evening as opposed to plowing my way through snow drifts. Yeah, cabs are always an option, but I'm cheap and I always struggle with people stealing my cabs when I'm drunk. Then I get mad and walk home anyway.
The moral of the story is, get out there and take advantage of what little of the Summer of Tom is left. I'm definitely going to.
I am always conflicted this time of year. I love summer and am never ready for it to be over. Also, when I was in school I always naturally dreaded going back every year. Now that I'm an adult, my life is always pretty much the same monotony regardless of the season (I like my life, but it's a fact). At the same time, falls around here are awesome too. Plus, it means football is back, which (in general and specifically the Vikings) are my first and truest love.
Perhaps the most depressing part of fall is all of the hot girls flying south for the winter with the birds. I'm sure they would claim they are still here all winter, but I know it's not true. It can't be possible that a sea of gorgeous women can only yield some snow bunnies if they are all actually still here. (Ok, fine. They are here all year and I'm a pig. Whatever. All I know is it's one more major point in the summer's favor.)
The other somewhat overlooked advantage of the summer is walking. No, I don't generally like to walk. Ever. However, I do like to go out, as has been well-documented on this blog. I don't like going to jail, so I avoid drinking and driving. That is much easier when all that is left between me and home is a pleasant stroll on a summer evening as opposed to plowing my way through snow drifts. Yeah, cabs are always an option, but I'm cheap and I always struggle with people stealing my cabs when I'm drunk. Then I get mad and walk home anyway.
The moral of the story is, get out there and take advantage of what little of the Summer of Tom is left. I'm definitely going to.
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