The Beer Index, Volume 1

They say you should write about what you know, and that's exactly what I am going to do. I present to you the Beer Index, Volume 1.

Chilling and Watching the Game Beer

You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?

• Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
• Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
• Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?

Shower Beer

Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?

• Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with yourself...in the shower! Excellent!
• Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
• Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.

Girly Drinks for Men

Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?

• Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
• Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
• Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.

Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer

Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.

Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.

Fantasy Football: Destroying (My) Friendships and (My) Phones Since 2005

What a stupid game. A stupid, stupid game. A game where all you do is pick a list of 10 players to "start" for your "team" each weekend, then leave everything to the fantasy football gods or whatever other deities you believe control these sorts of things. Even though you only have control of the roster you build and zero control over the injuries and failures of the players on said team, you blame yourself for losses. These losses, by the way, are invariably more painful than your victories are joyous. The perfect example happened in Week 8 this year. My game against my buddy all came down to the Monday Night game between the Saints and the Falcons. Facing near certain loss, two of my guys (Drew Brees and Pierre Thomas) combined for a TD, vaulting me improbably into the lead. Almost as soon as this happened, the Saints D, whom my buddy employed that week, picked off Matt Ryan to snatch the victory right from under my nose. Seconds later, my phone was flung 15 feet into the wall across the living room. May it rest in peace.

I have been the early 1990s Buffalo Bills of this league as of late. I have made the four team playoffs in our 10 team league each of the last three seasons. I have finished second, fourth, second. Even last season, when my team ripped off 10 consecutive wins to steamroll to the championship game, I lost by 20 when it mattered most. Second place finishes (and money) is alright, but not what I'm looking for.

So why would I play if it puts me through so much misery? It's because I love competition, for one. Why just sit around and watch football when you can gamble on it in multiple forms and beat your friends in the process? Also, it makes every game that affects your team interesting. I can sit through a Lions-Rams game as long as I started Kevin Smith that week. Finally, the victories are sweet, even if the emotion isn't as strong as the one created from a tough loss. So yes, fantasy football drives me crazy and I hate it...

...but I love it, too.

The Manamid

I daresay this holds up as one of the finest people-stacking feats in the history of mankind.

Equations

Even though I have an Economics degree, I don’t particularly care for math most of the time. However, after doing some deep thinking, I have decided my life is pretty well described by a series of equations. Enjoy.

18-20 year old Women = My Kryptonite = A Bad Idea Every Time

Love of Sports + Severe Self-loathing = My Reason for Playing Golf for 10+ years

Alcohol + Questionable Women – Any Sense of Inhibition = Me Wearing the Bad Idea Jeans for the Evening

Streak for the Cash = Bane of My Existence

Ability to Grow Solid Facial Hair + Love of Comedy = Moustache as part of every Halloween Costume

Me Going to Vegas for a Bachelor Party at the End of September = Unbridled Joy

More to come in a future installment…

Anything and Everything you Need to Know for Super Bowl XLIII

With another Super Bowl just around the corner, it is time for someone to do a full-fledged preview. Considering the fact that I could name all of the Super Bowl champions from 1990 on, in order, off the top of my head (I wonder why I’m single?); I believe I am the man for the job. Seriously, Steve Sabol is like my second father. Here are the major storylines:

1. Kurt Warner is back in the Super Bowl. After looking awful in New York and backing up for awhile in ‘Zona, he now looks like vintage Warner again. Praise Jesus! I’m thinking Matt Leinart doesn’t mind this whole backup thing. He still gets paid, and has much more free time to do keg stands and hang out with Nick Lachey. It’s probably for the best that the game is in Tampa instead of Miami. If Matt was let loose on South Beach, he would wake up on a pile of strippers in Havana, with no recollection of the previous night’s events.

2. Kurt Warner’s wife is back in the Super Bowl. Yikes. At least she grew her hair out. I was scarred for life when ABC showed Brenda Warner in the stands roughly 5000 times during Super Bowl XXXIV. It was cruel and unusual.

3. Mike Tomlin and his awesome press conferences are going to the Super Bowl! Seriously, every time I hear that guy talk, I want to run through a wall for him. That’s impressive, considering not only am I not one of his players, I don’t even root for his team. He’s that good. I am a Vikings fan, and he was our Defensive Coordinator. Now the Steelers have him, and the Vikings are stuck with the immortal Brad Childress as their fearless leader. The only positive about Childress is he has a sweet moustache. I hate my life.

4. Anquan Boldin and Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley got into a shouting match on the sidelines during the NFC Championship, and Boldin allegedly didn’t even celebrate with his teammates after the game. Both camps say it’s nothing and will not be a distraction. ‘Quan has had quite the season. He requested a trade, had his face broken, now this. At this point, he could decide to play the Super Bowl naked or give up football to take up professional fly fishing and I wouldn’t even be surprised anymore.

5. Edgerrin James was left for dead for the majority of the regular season. Arizona officials chose to close the retractable roof on University of Phoenix Stadium for all home games for fear of vultures slowly circling over Edge on the sidelines. However, since he only averaged 8 more carries per game than I did during the regular season, he is fresh and suddenly looks like the Edge of old instead of Old Edge. By the way, if you think I’m not bitter that Edge and Willis McGahee looked great in the playoffs after murdering the #2 running back spot on my fantasy team this season… you just don’t know me very well.

6. Ben Roethlisberger had quite possibly the worst performance ever by a Super Bowl winning quarterback against the Seahawks in SBXL. Considering the fact that the referees were using Terrible Towels for penalty flags in that game (you can’t say I’m not here for you, Seattle fans), I think Big Ben will have to play better this time around to get another ring.

7. Larry Fitzgerald is a beast. This should be an interesting match-up for him since Troy Polamalu is the best safety in the league this side of Ed Reed. The other reason this is an interesting face-off is that Fitzgerald plays for the Cardinals, and Polamalu has a family of cardinals nesting in his hair. I’m tingling with excitement just thinking about the possibilities for those two.

8. After exhaustive personal research (I am very dedicated to my craft), I have discovered two things. The Cardinals have a phenomenal cheerleading squad. I would give five years off of the backend of my life to have a special, sensual evening with any of them. If I did have such an evening with one, I would even let her spend the night and make her bacon and eggs the next morning. They’re that great. Meanwhile, the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. Allow me to repeat: THE STEELERS DON’T HAVE CHEERLEADERS!!! How does this happen? Roger Goodell cracking down on criminals masquerading as players is all well and good, but he needs to get working on this cheerleader situation, post-taste. It should be absolutely mandatory that all teams have cheerleading squads, to lift the fans, um, spirits.

In conclusion, I am hoping for and expecting a very exciting Super Bowl. One of the best offenses in the league is going against one of the best defenses around. The immovable force versus the unstoppable object. A complete clash of styles. The…actually, I’m out of clichés at the moment. Anyway, the prediction: Cardinals 24, Steelers 17.

(Like you really expected me to pick the team without cheerleaders)

NFC Championship

I meant to post this Sunday, but never got around to it. Anyway, these are the randon thoughts I had during the Cardinals-Eagles game. There is no rhyme or reason, and definitely no flow (not that my other posts have a lot of flow either). Without furter adieu, the NFC Championship, through my mesmerisizing blue eyes:

1st Quarter

It would have been great if the Cards rediscovered Edge before he severely damaged the Phyllis Brunos, my main fantasy squad this year (named after Mike’s lovely mother). He and Willis McGahee ripped their “destroy Tom’s RB corps” method right out of Jamal Lewis’ 2005 playbook.

Larry Fitzgerald is an absolute beast.

Watching the Cards host the NFC Championship Game, I feel like I should be wearing a tinfoil hat or something. The sky is most definitely falling.

The old interception, fumbled back to the offense on the return. It happens ALL the time. I guess that’s why defensive players play D. That and a lot of them are shorter than most NFL receivers and have hands like feet. Anyway, Arizona dodged a bullet on that one.

2nd Quarter

The old pitch to the RB, throw back to the QB, bomb to WR, for the TD! A modified flea-flicker. I wonder if Walter Camp envisioned that one when he invented football. 14-3 ‘Zona.

Kevin Curtis is the fastest guy who looks like a ‘70s porn star I’ve ever seen.

Eagles settle for another FG, 14-6. For a team that has been winning as much as them lately, they really don’t finish drives well. I am convinced the Vikings would have beaten them if they had a better coach and if Jackson and the O-Line hadn’t imploded. Philly really needs to get a stop, or the Cards might run away with this one.

Arizona just cruised right down the field, ending with Fitz catching his third TD of the half. 21-6. Unbelievable. Andy Reid’s playoff beard is morphing into an offseason beard before our eyes.

Arizona just got boned over on a kickoff play. They recovered their own kick, but the officials (incorrectly) said it touched out of bounds, and the play is not reviewable. There’s nothing worse than clearly blown calls which are not reviewable (Ed Hochuli nods his head solemnly).

The Eagles just got another unnecessary roughness penalty. They are committing season suicide in this game.Quinton Mikell just proved my hands like feet statement from before. Thank you Quinton, I owe you a Coke.

Neil Rackers banged through a 49 yard field goal to end the half, 24-6 Arizona at the break. Philly’s really on the ropes going into the second half.

3rd Quarter

I really thought Philly had to come out and score on the first possession of the second half. Instead, McNabb got sacked and fumbled, with the Cardinals recovering in Eagles territory. This game is turning into a whitewash (Or would it be a redwash? Whatever). This game could get ugly.

Philly just forced a 3 and out and will get the ball back. Don’t break out the embalming fluid just yet.

Kevin “All Night” Curtis just caught a bomb on 3rd and 19 to keep their drive alive! Great pass and catch. The Eagles still have a pulse.

McNabb to Brett Celek for a touchdown. 24-13, Cards. This game might get interesting yet.

Arizona ran 3 plays, lost 5 yards and only used up 14 seconds. They have 1 yard for the whole quarter, and have to punt it away. It looks like they finally remembered they are the Cardinals.

Celek scored another TD, but then Andy Reid elected to attempt an extra point instead of going for 2, which could have cut the lead to 3. Inexplicably, David Akers missed the extra point. Yeah, it wasn’t a perfect hold (Laces out, Marino!), but he has to make that kick. Earlier, he had a kickoff go out of bounds, giving the Cards the ball at the 40. Akers hasn’t been the same all season. Clearly, shaving off his moustache was a terrible mistake. 24-19, Cards.

4th Quarter

McNabb just unloaded a 62 yard bomb to DeSean Jackson for a touchdown! They didn’t get the 2 point conversion, but as Joe Buck just told us, they are in the lead for the first time today, 25-24. What a comeback! This half, Arizona looks shakier than a naked guy standing on a block of ice.

On 4th and inches at the 50, Arizona ran a sweep with Tim Hightower and picked it up. Huge play. This has been one hell of an exciting game.Screen pass to Hightower for a touchdown, then a 2 point pass to some guy named Benjamin Patrick. 32-25 Cards! The Eagles have just under 3 minutes to answer. Eagles fans are desperately trying to block out the memory of the end of Super Bowl XXXIX as I type.

2 minute warning, 4th and 10 coming up for the Eagles right around midfield…and All Night just dropped a 15 yard throw! He might have been interfered with, but he still could have had it. Arizona might be on their way to the Super Bowl! This actually gives me a little hope as a Vikings fan (but only a little, mind you).

The Eagles couldn’t pull off a miracle on a lateral play, and the Arizona Cardinals are Super Bowl bound. This just goes to show that all that matters is getting into the playoffs, and then anything can happen. They looked horrendous at the end of the regular season but got red-hot at the right time. That was a great game. I would do this for the AFC Championship also (which should be a bloodbath), but this is too long already. See ya next time.

UMD Hockey

(This blog won't make much sense to anyone who doesn't follow WCHA hockey. But I do, so I wrote it. Sometimes, I gotta look out for myself, you know?)

I was out of town this past weekend due to Matt’s wedding and because of this, did not see or listen to any of the UMD-St. Cloud State series this weekend. The fact that I missed it completely is the only positive thing I can think to say about that series.

Coming into this weekend, UMD had won four straight against State. I was there in person when the Bulldogs absolutely drubbed them at the DECC in late November. They completely dominated that game from start to finish. The crowd was lively and the action was good. Also, some drunken Bulldogs fan was leaning over the seat in front of him, his buddy shoved him, and he tumbled two rows down, narrowly avoiding landing on other patrons on his way down. The security guards just laughed it off. It was good times all around.

So what the hell happened? How do you get swept by a team that has at least half of their players drunk before the game? A team that fills its water bottles with Icehouse? A team whose players can’t wear mouth guards because their traps are too packed with Skoal? Before I go any further, I should point out that I have a cousin Betsy who is a State alum. She is very talented and successful. The problem is that since she went to SCSU, it kind of handcuffs me. It prevents me from making jokes like…
…I wonder if there is any truth to the rumor that State writes their grads’ diplomas on the back of cocktail napkins.
…Few State students get MBAs, but plenty leave campus with STDs.
…The only requirement for students looking to enroll at State is that they have two arms, two legs, and a face.
…and others. I mean, I would love to include jokes like that in this entry, but obviously, I can’t. Such is life. Also, I know that plenty of smart people decide to attend State and it’s probably not fair to make jokes like those, but it’s just too easy (and fun).

Anyway, I knew going into the weekend the Bulldogs are a very average team. They are right around .500 in league play this year. A split would not have raised an eyebrow from me. But getting swept? That’s just not good enough. The season is still far from over, and they will have a chance to make a run in the WCHA playoffs. I just hope they start playing better hockey again before then.