Friday, January 30, 2009

Anything and Everything you Need to Know for Super Bowl XLIII

With another Super Bowl just around the corner, it is time for someone to do a full-fledged preview. Considering the fact that I could name all of the Super Bowl champions from 1990 on, in order, off the top of my head (I wonder why I’m single?); I believe I am the man for the job. Seriously, Steve Sabol is like my second father. Here are the major storylines:

1. Kurt Warner is back in the Super Bowl. After looking awful in New York and backing up for awhile in ‘Zona, he now looks like vintage Warner again. Praise Jesus! I’m thinking Matt Leinart doesn’t mind this whole backup thing. He still gets paid, and has much more free time to do keg stands and hang out with Nick Lachey. It’s probably for the best that the game is in Tampa instead of Miami. If Matt was let loose on South Beach, he would wake up on a pile of strippers in Havana, with no recollection of the previous night’s events.

2. Kurt Warner’s wife is back in the Super Bowl. Yikes. At least she grew her hair out. I was scarred for life when ABC showed Brenda Warner in the stands roughly 5000 times during Super Bowl XXXIV. It was cruel and unusual.

3. Mike Tomlin and his awesome press conferences are going to the Super Bowl! Seriously, every time I hear that guy talk, I want to run through a wall for him. That’s impressive, considering not only am I not one of his players, I don’t even root for his team. He’s that good. I am a Vikings fan, and he was our Defensive Coordinator. Now the Steelers have him, and the Vikings are stuck with the immortal Brad Childress as their fearless leader. The only positive about Childress is he has a sweet moustache. I hate my life.

4. Anquan Boldin and Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley got into a shouting match on the sidelines during the NFC Championship, and Boldin allegedly didn’t even celebrate with his teammates after the game. Both camps say it’s nothing and will not be a distraction. ‘Quan has had quite the season. He requested a trade, had his face broken, now this. At this point, he could decide to play the Super Bowl naked or give up football to take up professional fly fishing and I wouldn’t even be surprised anymore.

5. Edgerrin James was left for dead for the majority of the regular season. Arizona officials chose to close the retractable roof on University of Phoenix Stadium for all home games for fear of vultures slowly circling over Edge on the sidelines. However, since he only averaged 8 more carries per game than I did during the regular season, he is fresh and suddenly looks like the Edge of old instead of Old Edge. By the way, if you think I’m not bitter that Edge and Willis McGahee looked great in the playoffs after murdering the #2 running back spot on my fantasy team this season… you just don’t know me very well.

6. Ben Roethlisberger had quite possibly the worst performance ever by a Super Bowl winning quarterback against the Seahawks in SBXL. Considering the fact that the referees were using Terrible Towels for penalty flags in that game (you can’t say I’m not here for you, Seattle fans), I think Big Ben will have to play better this time around to get another ring.

7. Larry Fitzgerald is a beast. This should be an interesting match-up for him since Troy Polamalu is the best safety in the league this side of Ed Reed. The other reason this is an interesting face-off is that Fitzgerald plays for the Cardinals, and Polamalu has a family of cardinals nesting in his hair. I’m tingling with excitement just thinking about the possibilities for those two.

8. After exhaustive personal research (I am very dedicated to my craft), I have discovered two things. The Cardinals have a phenomenal cheerleading squad. I would give five years off of the backend of my life to have a special, sensual evening with any of them. If I did have such an evening with one, I would even let her spend the night and make her bacon and eggs the next morning. They’re that great. Meanwhile, the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. Allow me to repeat: THE STEELERS DON’T HAVE CHEERLEADERS!!! How does this happen? Roger Goodell cracking down on criminals masquerading as players is all well and good, but he needs to get working on this cheerleader situation, post-taste. It should be absolutely mandatory that all teams have cheerleading squads, to lift the fans, um, spirits.

In conclusion, I am hoping for and expecting a very exciting Super Bowl. One of the best offenses in the league is going against one of the best defenses around. The immovable force versus the unstoppable object. A complete clash of styles. The…actually, I’m out of clich├ęs at the moment. Anyway, the prediction: Cardinals 24, Steelers 17.

(Like you really expected me to pick the team without cheerleaders)

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