Our team is a joke,
our program's a mess.
Time to figure it out, Brew.
This isn't checkers, it's chess.
You came with no experience,
your resume's funny.
How'd you get the job, anyway?
Does Maturi owe you money?
I'm sure your interview
with him was a dandy.
He loves you so much,
he'd probably give you a handy.
You promised Rose Bowls
and beating up Bucky.
Now we might win two games,
three if we're lucky.
You have the nation's third largest campus!
This team should run like a Lexus.
The only schools bigger?
Ohio State and Texas.
Perhaps you've heard of them.
They make winning look easy.
Meanwhile, your Gophs
make the fans feel queasy.
These games are unwatchable,
our chances of winning are slim.
We need change now!
Where's Barack when you need him?
I think that you care,
but I know that you suck.
So much so that you let
South effing Dakota run amok.
It's time for you to go,
you gave it a shot.
Go take your "talents" elsewhere.
Perhaps a used car lot?
You blew a great chance,
even attendance is now an issue.
Just get out already,
and take Weber with you!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Are You Ready?
The dawn of a new NFL season is nigh, as my beloved Vikes are set to take on the Saints this Thursday night, as anyone who even kind of cares about football even a little bit knows. I'm planning on writing a preview in a day or so, but first...
Obviously, the fact that the game is almost here makes me think about that horrific championship game from last year. I was twitchy and naseous the whole game. I was even stupid enough to believe the Vikes were going to the Super Bowl, up until the 12-men in the huddle and G.D. INT. My buddy Mike and I were so depressed, all we wanted to do was drink and forget about it. The problem was, all the bars closed up shop early (Turns out most folks don't like drinking late into Sunday nights. Who knew?) Then we decided to gamble, but there was a pretty severe snow falling at the time. After my Explorer 360-ed off of the freeway and into a snowbank, we decided God did in fact hate us and it was time to go home.
Why dredge all of that up? Because Thursday is a new day in a new season. The best part about sports is there's always next year, and next year is finally almost here! Will the Vikings break my heart for the 15064103th time again this year. Probably, but if that day comes where they actually pull through in the end, it will be the best day of my life, at least so far.
I have no idea what's going to happen Thursday night. I'm hoping the Vikings dominate like they did in January, but actually win the damn game this time. If not, at least it's only the first game, and at least the season is finally starting.
Are you ready for some football?
Obviously, the fact that the game is almost here makes me think about that horrific championship game from last year. I was twitchy and naseous the whole game. I was even stupid enough to believe the Vikes were going to the Super Bowl, up until the 12-men in the huddle and G.D. INT. My buddy Mike and I were so depressed, all we wanted to do was drink and forget about it. The problem was, all the bars closed up shop early (Turns out most folks don't like drinking late into Sunday nights. Who knew?) Then we decided to gamble, but there was a pretty severe snow falling at the time. After my Explorer 360-ed off of the freeway and into a snowbank, we decided God did in fact hate us and it was time to go home.
Why dredge all of that up? Because Thursday is a new day in a new season. The best part about sports is there's always next year, and next year is finally almost here! Will the Vikings break my heart for the 15064103th time again this year. Probably, but if that day comes where they actually pull through in the end, it will be the best day of my life, at least so far.
I have no idea what's going to happen Thursday night. I'm hoping the Vikings dominate like they did in January, but actually win the damn game this time. If not, at least it's only the first game, and at least the season is finally starting.
Are you ready for some football?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
So Many Possibilities, So Few Certainties
I am a 24 year old college graduate. I am single, I am working at the same job I was during school, I have piles of debt from various sources, and I will be moving into my parents’ basement sooner rather than later.
Now that that’s out of the way…
My life is obviously not where I had envisioned it going into college as a bright-eyed 18 year old. So what the hell happened? A lot.
When I applied to go to college, I got into the University of Minnesota’s architecture program, the only school I applied for. Everything seemed so easy. Then I actually went to school.
I was a good, not great, high school student who got by without studying. It turns out that doesn’t work in college. It also turned out I decided architecture wasn’t for me, and ultimately, neither was the Main U anymore.
After I got to UMD, I worked my ass off and earned my Economics degree, even making the Dean’s List once. I finished in December of 2008, and was excited to get into the real world. That’s where things got messy.
In hindsight, my biggest mistake was trying to run my own insurance agency. I didn’t have the money, experience or time to succeed at that and finish school at the same time. I invested a lot of money and didn’t return nearly enough, so I was put in the hole.
Ever since, the worst recession since the Great Depression peaked and hasn’t gone away yet. People with loads more experience than I have are applying for the same careers I am trying to get into. Economics degrees are great in that they are flexible. What sucks about them though is it doesn’t specifically train you for one type of career, the way many others do. When the market is tight, it just doesn’t jump off of the resume to potential employers. At least I have a job. I am very grateful I was able to get my old job back, but it’s simply not enough to pay the bills.
So now what? I apply, apply, apply, and I am still where I started, except that I owe loads more money. This is especially true now that my student loan grace period has passed. My degree hasn’t earned me an extra cent yet, but it’s already costing me hundreds of dollars a month.
The most frustrating part is that I’ve been extremely close to getting hired for jobs that would have allowed me to start paying down a lot of this debt and take a lot of stress out of my life. For various reasons, none of them worked out. I won’t get into the details as far as what and where the jobs were or why I didn’t get them because it really doesn’t matter anymore. The fact I didn’t get them is all that matters at this point.
Getting kicked in the face repeatedly hurts, but it gets numb after awhile. I’m at the point now where I don’t expect things to change anytime soon. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed yet again.
I realize this hasn’t been the most uplifting piece so far. Still, I am not going to give up on myself. I know I am talented and will eventually be given a chance to prove myself. I just don’t know when. I am down but I am absolutely not out.
The big question now is what’s next? I’ve considered many possibilities, some more plausible than others. I could try to get an MBA or take the CFA. I could go back to school for something completely different. I’ve even kicked around the idea of going back into architecture, but it’s not something I’ve seriously looked into. I really enjoy writing, but I am fairly resigned to the fact it’s something I will do for fun but will probably never make any money doing.
I know this post has been completely about me and probably hasn’t been real entertaining. I wanted to write this for two reasons though. Being able to vent is important, and sometimes typing it on a page is every bit as good as confiding in someone face to face. The other reason is I know I’m not alone. The economy sucks right now. Just getting a college degree doesn’t guarantee you anything, and I absolutely know I’m not the only one struggling with this right now. I guess I just feel like this is identifiable to people in my position. I also think most successful people could see some of themselves in this also. Very few success stories just magically happen. The people who are on top of the mountain worked their asses off to get there. With continued work, I hope I can join them someday.
Now that that’s out of the way…
My life is obviously not where I had envisioned it going into college as a bright-eyed 18 year old. So what the hell happened? A lot.
When I applied to go to college, I got into the University of Minnesota’s architecture program, the only school I applied for. Everything seemed so easy. Then I actually went to school.
I was a good, not great, high school student who got by without studying. It turns out that doesn’t work in college. It also turned out I decided architecture wasn’t for me, and ultimately, neither was the Main U anymore.
After I got to UMD, I worked my ass off and earned my Economics degree, even making the Dean’s List once. I finished in December of 2008, and was excited to get into the real world. That’s where things got messy.
In hindsight, my biggest mistake was trying to run my own insurance agency. I didn’t have the money, experience or time to succeed at that and finish school at the same time. I invested a lot of money and didn’t return nearly enough, so I was put in the hole.
Ever since, the worst recession since the Great Depression peaked and hasn’t gone away yet. People with loads more experience than I have are applying for the same careers I am trying to get into. Economics degrees are great in that they are flexible. What sucks about them though is it doesn’t specifically train you for one type of career, the way many others do. When the market is tight, it just doesn’t jump off of the resume to potential employers. At least I have a job. I am very grateful I was able to get my old job back, but it’s simply not enough to pay the bills.
So now what? I apply, apply, apply, and I am still where I started, except that I owe loads more money. This is especially true now that my student loan grace period has passed. My degree hasn’t earned me an extra cent yet, but it’s already costing me hundreds of dollars a month.
The most frustrating part is that I’ve been extremely close to getting hired for jobs that would have allowed me to start paying down a lot of this debt and take a lot of stress out of my life. For various reasons, none of them worked out. I won’t get into the details as far as what and where the jobs were or why I didn’t get them because it really doesn’t matter anymore. The fact I didn’t get them is all that matters at this point.
Getting kicked in the face repeatedly hurts, but it gets numb after awhile. I’m at the point now where I don’t expect things to change anytime soon. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed yet again.
I realize this hasn’t been the most uplifting piece so far. Still, I am not going to give up on myself. I know I am talented and will eventually be given a chance to prove myself. I just don’t know when. I am down but I am absolutely not out.
The big question now is what’s next? I’ve considered many possibilities, some more plausible than others. I could try to get an MBA or take the CFA. I could go back to school for something completely different. I’ve even kicked around the idea of going back into architecture, but it’s not something I’ve seriously looked into. I really enjoy writing, but I am fairly resigned to the fact it’s something I will do for fun but will probably never make any money doing.
I know this post has been completely about me and probably hasn’t been real entertaining. I wanted to write this for two reasons though. Being able to vent is important, and sometimes typing it on a page is every bit as good as confiding in someone face to face. The other reason is I know I’m not alone. The economy sucks right now. Just getting a college degree doesn’t guarantee you anything, and I absolutely know I’m not the only one struggling with this right now. I guess I just feel like this is identifiable to people in my position. I also think most successful people could see some of themselves in this also. Very few success stories just magically happen. The people who are on top of the mountain worked their asses off to get there. With continued work, I hope I can join them someday.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Inventions I Wish I Could Invent
I'm not a wealthy man. Rich in love, sure, but not monetarily. It is my belief that if I was capable of cranking out one of the following inventions, my pockets would be stuffed with green. Due to fiscal and, in certain cases, practical reasons, I will never be able to make any of these exist. Luckily for you however, I can write about them. Let's do it!
Sober Goggles
Everyone has heard of, and perhaps even tried, drunk goggles. Sure, they're good for a lark, but they don't serve any practical purpose or make the world a better place. On the other hand, their Bizarro counterpart, Sober Goggles, would bring us one step closer to Utopia.
Undeniably, drunk driving causes immeasurable heartache and strife. What if it was possible to make all drivers on the road sober? Obviously, the world will never rid itself of alcohol (nor should it), so I would like to do the next most effective thing.
Imagine, a bunch of guys tossing back round after round, not a DD or cab in sight. No worries, the wheelman tosses on his sober goggles when it's closing time, and suddenly feels as salient as ever. He calmly drives home perfectly, pulls into his driveway and everyone gets home safely and soundly. Of course, as soon as he's home, he takes off the goggles and passes out in the lawn, but it's his lawn, damnit!
There are a couple obvious drawbacks. The first is that since drunkards will be the ones using this life-saving product, it's easy to imagine them driving off with the goggles still residing in the glove box. The other is the technology doesn't exist...yet. Regardless, this is one of my favorite ideas which will never come to be.
Rotating Wallpaper
True story: A couple years back, I was lying in bed, in an even darker place mentally than I usually reside. As I glanced around at the bare walls surrounding me, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I realize how gay this sounds, but one man can only drink so much and grow so much facial hair to change pace. I made a trip to Home Depot, gathered a bunch of supplies, and spent the next two days painting my room. When I was done, I realized a couple things. First, I was happy with the change. Second, painting is a huge pain in the ass.
Picture this, friends. You find yourself in a sullen state of mind. You decide you would like your surroundings to change so that your disposition changes somewhat also. Paint? Nope. Click the button on your wallmote, and underneath a film of plexiglass, your green walls shift to blue. Think the rotation on a belt sander. It would be the same motion, with four patterns on a loop. Possible? Probably not, but one of my favorite ideas nonetheless.
Antiperspirant for Mens' Nether-regions (Mantiperspirant)
Everyone other than hippies understands the importance and relevance of antiperspirant/deodorant for underarms. However, there is another region of the man's body which doesn't catch much air and gets considerably warm.
I wear khakis and slacks into work everyday, and the fabric is unforgiving. There is no airflow whatsoever, so things tend to get ripe and uncomfortable over the course of 8 hours. If there was a product to rememdy this awful ailment, I would be all over it. I realize this product isn't a real pleasant one to think about, but as an avid TV watcher, I am bombarded by disgusting women's hygeine product ads constantly. There is no way Mantiperspirant is any worse than all of that nonsense.
Alright friends, that's it for now. It feels good to be back, and I'll hopefully be updating slightly more often from now on.
Sober Goggles
Everyone has heard of, and perhaps even tried, drunk goggles. Sure, they're good for a lark, but they don't serve any practical purpose or make the world a better place. On the other hand, their Bizarro counterpart, Sober Goggles, would bring us one step closer to Utopia.
Undeniably, drunk driving causes immeasurable heartache and strife. What if it was possible to make all drivers on the road sober? Obviously, the world will never rid itself of alcohol (nor should it), so I would like to do the next most effective thing.
Imagine, a bunch of guys tossing back round after round, not a DD or cab in sight. No worries, the wheelman tosses on his sober goggles when it's closing time, and suddenly feels as salient as ever. He calmly drives home perfectly, pulls into his driveway and everyone gets home safely and soundly. Of course, as soon as he's home, he takes off the goggles and passes out in the lawn, but it's his lawn, damnit!
There are a couple obvious drawbacks. The first is that since drunkards will be the ones using this life-saving product, it's easy to imagine them driving off with the goggles still residing in the glove box. The other is the technology doesn't exist...yet. Regardless, this is one of my favorite ideas which will never come to be.
Rotating Wallpaper
True story: A couple years back, I was lying in bed, in an even darker place mentally than I usually reside. As I glanced around at the bare walls surrounding me, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I realize how gay this sounds, but one man can only drink so much and grow so much facial hair to change pace. I made a trip to Home Depot, gathered a bunch of supplies, and spent the next two days painting my room. When I was done, I realized a couple things. First, I was happy with the change. Second, painting is a huge pain in the ass.
Picture this, friends. You find yourself in a sullen state of mind. You decide you would like your surroundings to change so that your disposition changes somewhat also. Paint? Nope. Click the button on your wallmote, and underneath a film of plexiglass, your green walls shift to blue. Think the rotation on a belt sander. It would be the same motion, with four patterns on a loop. Possible? Probably not, but one of my favorite ideas nonetheless.
Antiperspirant for Mens' Nether-regions (Mantiperspirant)
Everyone other than hippies understands the importance and relevance of antiperspirant/deodorant for underarms. However, there is another region of the man's body which doesn't catch much air and gets considerably warm.
I wear khakis and slacks into work everyday, and the fabric is unforgiving. There is no airflow whatsoever, so things tend to get ripe and uncomfortable over the course of 8 hours. If there was a product to rememdy this awful ailment, I would be all over it. I realize this product isn't a real pleasant one to think about, but as an avid TV watcher, I am bombarded by disgusting women's hygeine product ads constantly. There is no way Mantiperspirant is any worse than all of that nonsense.
Alright friends, that's it for now. It feels good to be back, and I'll hopefully be updating slightly more often from now on.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Liar, Liar
This post is a little different than most. The majority of what I've done on here has been structured "comedy". This one is more of my thoughts spilling out of my bulbous head and onto the page. When I'm sitting around by myself working all night, my mind wanders into really random places. This post is a love child of my boredom and random thoughts. One strange thought that floated through my brain tonight was this: I lie a lot.
Now, I generally regard myself to be a good person, but I'm certainly no Honest Abe either. I am by no means malicious with my lies. I don't mislead people to hurt them. I just tend to lie about the stupidest things. Mostly just when I'm answering questions like "How are you doing,", "What are you plans for the night/weekend,", "Do these pants make me look fat?" (No, your body does, but I'm not mean enough to say so.), stuff like that. I'm not saying I never answer these questions truthfully, but sometimes I say nay. I think it's because I don't like to pull the curtain back completely on my life. My life is extremely boring of course, but I've always been private by nature. I don't have any interesting skeletons in my closet (as far as you know), but I'm not a complete open book the way some people are.
So far, we haven't touched on anything overly Earth-shattering (or arguably, interesting) yet. Everyone tells little white lies. (Quick tangent: why are they called "little white lies"? Is it a euphamism suggesting that larger lies are darker and more dangerous, thus making the smaller ones "white". Anyway, I digress).
Thinking about my own lies made me think of something scary: If decent people like you and I lie a lot, what of the less scupulous sorts? Do they ever tell the truth? How do they live with themselves?
I once almost started dating a girl a few years back. We hung out for a few weeks, and then I found out through her friends that she was a few months pregnant with some other creep's child. When I pressed her about it, she claimed that she had been pregnant, but miscarried before we started hanging out. NOT TRUE! She absolutely was still knocked up. Not only that, but she had miscarried a year prior. She was 19 and had been knocked up multiple times in the same calendar year!!! Once I told her I knew with certainty that she had been lying, she turned the tables on me for going behind her back! This wasn't even true as I stumbled across the info accidentally, but whatever. Exclamation points!
Say we had started dating. What was she going to do when she started to show? Claim it was mine? I may not be well-versed on pregnancy, but the timing of the progression would have been a few months off. I'm sharp enough to pick up on that at some point. Just stop talking to me? Maybe, but then what was the point to begin with?
Ultimately, it worked out in my favor, as she sucked regardless of being with child. That's not the point though. The point is, how can people like that live with themselves, and how many webs of lies do they weave on a daily basis?
The lessons we have learned today are the following: Feel free to lie, but only if it is something that doesn't matter, and if you're pregnant, own up to it. Anywho, this post has been long, disjointed, and pointless, so I'm going to put it to bed, something I am looking forward to doing to myself as soon as this shift ends.
Now, I generally regard myself to be a good person, but I'm certainly no Honest Abe either. I am by no means malicious with my lies. I don't mislead people to hurt them. I just tend to lie about the stupidest things. Mostly just when I'm answering questions like "How are you doing,", "What are you plans for the night/weekend,", "Do these pants make me look fat?" (No, your body does, but I'm not mean enough to say so.), stuff like that. I'm not saying I never answer these questions truthfully, but sometimes I say nay. I think it's because I don't like to pull the curtain back completely on my life. My life is extremely boring of course, but I've always been private by nature. I don't have any interesting skeletons in my closet (as far as you know), but I'm not a complete open book the way some people are.
So far, we haven't touched on anything overly Earth-shattering (or arguably, interesting) yet. Everyone tells little white lies. (Quick tangent: why are they called "little white lies"? Is it a euphamism suggesting that larger lies are darker and more dangerous, thus making the smaller ones "white". Anyway, I digress).
Thinking about my own lies made me think of something scary: If decent people like you and I lie a lot, what of the less scupulous sorts? Do they ever tell the truth? How do they live with themselves?
I once almost started dating a girl a few years back. We hung out for a few weeks, and then I found out through her friends that she was a few months pregnant with some other creep's child. When I pressed her about it, she claimed that she had been pregnant, but miscarried before we started hanging out. NOT TRUE! She absolutely was still knocked up. Not only that, but she had miscarried a year prior. She was 19 and had been knocked up multiple times in the same calendar year!!! Once I told her I knew with certainty that she had been lying, she turned the tables on me for going behind her back! This wasn't even true as I stumbled across the info accidentally, but whatever. Exclamation points!
Say we had started dating. What was she going to do when she started to show? Claim it was mine? I may not be well-versed on pregnancy, but the timing of the progression would have been a few months off. I'm sharp enough to pick up on that at some point. Just stop talking to me? Maybe, but then what was the point to begin with?
Ultimately, it worked out in my favor, as she sucked regardless of being with child. That's not the point though. The point is, how can people like that live with themselves, and how many webs of lies do they weave on a daily basis?
The lessons we have learned today are the following: Feel free to lie, but only if it is something that doesn't matter, and if you're pregnant, own up to it. Anywho, this post has been long, disjointed, and pointless, so I'm going to put it to bed, something I am looking forward to doing to myself as soon as this shift ends.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Shefkus
The Pavano 'stache.
A gift from the skies above;
Lip hair from heaven.
A weather report:
Duluth cold as usual;
Balls inside torso.
World Cup has started.
Sportsmanship rules the tourney;
Ties for everyone!
You can't buy happiness.
Money can get jet skis though.
Close enough I'd say.
Hoverboards now real?
Fire up the Delorean!
Biff is still a dick.
A gift from the skies above;
Lip hair from heaven.
A weather report:
Duluth cold as usual;
Balls inside torso.
World Cup has started.
Sportsmanship rules the tourney;
Ties for everyone!
You can't buy happiness.
Money can get jet skis though.
Close enough I'd say.
Hoverboards now real?
Fire up the Delorean!
Biff is still a dick.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tomservations 1
I notice things, as most are wont to do, and I feel obligated to share some of these observations:
My favorite answer to the question "How's it going?" is "I can't complain!" even though I could complain about literally thousands of different things at any given moment (and clearly often do, as this blog post illustrates beautifully).
You never can fully appreciate how well Ibuprofen works until you have to deal with a splitting headache all day without it.
75% of drivers on the road today interpret "Yield" signs as "This sign doesn't fucking exist" signs and blow right through the intersection. In a cruel twist of fate, this often forces drivers on the non-yielding road to yield.
I get cravings for a specific type of food a lot. Many times I go get/make this food because of it, but it has never tasted as good in reality as it does in my head beforehand. Part of this is absolutely because I'm the one making it, but still.
I'm not sure that the idiom "Beer before liquor, you're going to be sicker," is true, but "4 pregame beers before a couple shots before 2 more beers before 2 different mixed drinks before 2 more beers before a shot before half of a meat and potato burrito before a nightcap at the house before bed, you're going to be sicker," is true 100% of the time.
Writing a post about random observations is great when you can't think of anything creative to write about.
My favorite answer to the question "How's it going?" is "I can't complain!" even though I could complain about literally thousands of different things at any given moment (and clearly often do, as this blog post illustrates beautifully).
You never can fully appreciate how well Ibuprofen works until you have to deal with a splitting headache all day without it.
75% of drivers on the road today interpret "Yield" signs as "This sign doesn't fucking exist" signs and blow right through the intersection. In a cruel twist of fate, this often forces drivers on the non-yielding road to yield.
I get cravings for a specific type of food a lot. Many times I go get/make this food because of it, but it has never tasted as good in reality as it does in my head beforehand. Part of this is absolutely because I'm the one making it, but still.
I'm not sure that the idiom "Beer before liquor, you're going to be sicker," is true, but "4 pregame beers before a couple shots before 2 more beers before 2 different mixed drinks before 2 more beers before a shot before half of a meat and potato burrito before a nightcap at the house before bed, you're going to be sicker," is true 100% of the time.
Writing a post about random observations is great when you can't think of anything creative to write about.
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