The Beer Index, Volume 2

It's baaaaaack, and so am I! (Pausing to allow for the raucous cheering to die down)...Alright, let's do it!

Summer Beer

Be it a barbeque, ballgame, or bonfire, beer and summer go together like lamb and tuna fish. With so many choices, which suds mesh best with summer?

Best Bet: Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy. I have discovered that if lemonade is mixed with virtually anything else, I'm in. Arnold Palmers and Jeremiah Weed with lemonade are crazy delicious, as is Summer Shandy. Beer and lemonade seems like an odd combo, but after I was introduced to a "Hop, Skip and Get Naked" (light beer, lemonade and a shot of vodka), I was hooked for life. It's great in the bottle and even better on tap where available.

Others Worth Considering: Sam Adams Summer Ale, Honey Moon, a pitcher of anything light and cheap

Stay-a-ways: Anything dark. It must be noted that I love pale ales and various other dark beers. The summer just isn't the right time for them. When I'm hibernating in the winter, I'm a stationary drunk, but in the summer I'm a drunk on the go! I can't have my beer slowing me down.

Celebratory Beer

Whether it be an engagement, birthday, or division championship, celebrations tend to include drinks on some level. Should you celebrate with champagne? Probably, but I'm on a budget, asshole.

Best Bet: Stella Artois. It's not champagne, but it's as close as you can get with beer. It's bubbly, delicious and is even served in a sweet glass. I'm still not positive how to pronounce it, but I do know I like to drink it.

Others Worth Considering: Fat Tire, Grolsch, any variety of lambic (expensive but delicious)

Stay-a-ways: Anything overly cheap. Live a little for once!

Beer Pong Beer

As an ultra-competitive person, I have always loved sports. However, high school ended years ago, and I can't do intramurals anymore now that I have graduated college, so I have to channel my zeal for competition into other areas. Bowling, slow-pitch softball and beer pong have filled that void. Beer pong is bigger than ever before, but what is the best choice to chug when your opponents are pwning you, n00b?

Best Bet: Miller High Life. It's my personal choice when it comes to bottom shelf beers. It's affordable, easy to drink quickly, and cheap. That's really all you need for gaming beer.

Others Worth Considering: Keystone Light, PBR

Stay-a-ways: The Beast, Icehouse. Yeah, be cheap, but have some standards, man! Spend the extra 2 bucks for something that doesn't taste like it was brewed in a shoe.

That will do it for the Beer Index, Volume 2. Volume 3 will come...eventually. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

My Top Ten Favorite Music Videos, Part Two

5. Usher, "Yeah!"



My longtime, unrequited man-love for Usher is well known, so this should come as no surprise. It is his best video in my opinion, I always get a kick out of Ludacris calling him "Ursher" because it sounds so dumb, and more Lil Jon is always a plus. Speaking of Lil Jon, check out his high school grad pic if you feel like taking a ride in a ROFLcopter.

4. Britney Spears, "Oops, I Did it Again"; Christina Aguilera, "Dirrty" (tie)





Yes, having a tie is cheating and turns a Top Ten list into 11. It's my blog though, so I don't care. Both of these videos "touched" me in just the right way when they came out. When "Oops" came out, I thought Britney was the most perfect specimen I had ever seen. Clearly, she's had some hard times since, but it's nice to know that she can still dust off the Cheetos powder and look good when she feels like it.

Then, "Dirrty" came along a few years later. I was ready for a bad girl to come into my life (Virtually, of course. I did even worse with the ladies in high school than I do now, believe it or not.), and X-tina fit the bill. I actually like the song, too. Finally, it's nice to see Redman again, may he rest in peace. Wait, he's still alive? For sure? Hmm, who knew?

3. Kanye West ft. T-Pain, "Good Life"



If this was my favorite songs of all time, this would be number one. Alas, it will have to settle for number three. The song samples keys from Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T.", so all of the MJ references in the video are really cool. The other great part is whoever that girl is, she looks like an extremely fun carnival ride.

As an aside, life is rough when two of your favorite artists are Kanye and Chris Brown. I tell people that, and they stare at me as if I just called their mother a whore. It's not my fault they've done really stupid things, and it's not my fault they make great music. I will now hop off of my soapbox and finish up this countdown.

2. Tom Cochrane, "Life is a Highway"

Note: I can't embed this one due to request, so I will have to just link it here.

Everything about this song and video is awesome: The clothes and LEGO man haircut, the random odd people he meets, and the fact that it's a really good song. Clearly, the best part starts at the 3:16 mark though. When Cochrane whips the guitar on his back and does that weird leg shimmy thing, magic happens. As a man who can't dance whatsoever, even I can say it's brutal. The brutality is what makes it great though, so I am indebted to TC for life.

1. Michael Jackson, "Thriller"



I realize I don't win any unique points for calling "Thriller" the greatest music video of all time. Whatever though, just because it's not original doesn't make it wrong. This video was way ahead of its time, the song is awesome, and the story is actually interesting. Truth be told, I could have made half of this list MJ videos, but that wouldn't be any fun. The man lived a truly strange life, but he was supremely gifted and earned his place in history.

My Top Ten Favorite Music Videos, Part One

Ever since video murdered radio stars in cold blood, music videos have been an integral part of the music scene. They probably aren't as big as they were in the TRL days, or when "Music Television" actually played music, but they are still an important part of virtually every hit song. I am about to unveil my favorite ten videos of all-time. I have no discernable musical talent, nor have I been alive for the entire history of music videos, but hey, I know what I like.

Something important to keep in mind about this list is that it isn't my top ten favorite songs. Some of these songs are God-awful, but I have a method to my madness. Also, it's a bit long, so I chopped it into two parts, with Part Two coming tomorrow. Alright, enough jibber-jabber, let's get it on!

10. Korn, "Freak on a Leash"



As I recall, "Freak" was the first non-N'Sync/Backstreet Boys video to be #1 on TRL. I drink a lot, so I may be remembering that wrong, but it sounds right to me. Even though the graphics seem pretty run of the mill now, the bullet destroying everything was state of the art at the time. Plus, it serves as a reminder that Korn made good music at one point.

9. N'Sync, "Drive Myself Crazy"



I realize I am putting my manhood on the line by including this, but hear me out. This video came out years before Lance Bass did the same. Watching him pretend to like girls is HI-larious. I am almost certain the "she loves me, she loves me not" move he pulls in it was his idea. In a video where everything is pretty gay, he still stands out (not that there's anything wrong with that). Oh, and seeing Timberlake with the bleached hair is always entertaining.

8. Justin Timberlake, "Cry Me a River"



Back to back Timberlake! Anyway, this makes it because it is the anthem for any dude who has dated or, God-forbid, has been married to an unscrupulous woman. Guys always get a bad rap when it comes to relationships, but girls can suck pretty hard too, mostly because they are evil. Alright, time to recapture my masculinity.

7. Chris Brown, "Gimme That"



Before the horrible incident with Rihanna, Chris Brown was pegged to be the next Michael Jackson. He clearly has all the talent in the world, but it's almost impossible to believe he will ever be quite that popular again. Alright, enough with the serious stuff.

6. Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys, "Empire State of Mind"



Even though it's pretty overplayed, "Empire" is NYC's new anthem. The video almost makes me feel like I'm there, possibly getting mugged. Plus, like Jay, I will also be 'hood forever, so it seemed like a natural choice. Sure, Alicia Keys has looked much hotter, but who wants to pick nits?

So that does it for Part One. I shall return with Part Two. Until then, watch this. (Thanks for the heads-up, Tosh.0)

Target Field!

My buddies and I went to a Twins game at Target Field for the first time this weekend. The place is absolutely amazing. Our seats weren't the greatest. We sat in the Right Field bleachers right behind the foul pole. It is definite home run territory, so they are great for the most part. The problem is, the seats in Right Center that stick up and out block a good portion of Center Field from the Right Field bleachers' view. The thing is though, it didn't even matter. The experience of being there was so unbelievable I hardly even cared that I couldn't see deep center and right. The difference between the new park at watching a game at the Dome can't even be calculated. the views, the scoreboard and Handshake sign, the food options...it barely even seems like the same sport. Anywho, here's some photographic evidence of our visit:

What Facial Hair Says About Its Owner, Part 1

Being a guy is great. Not having to worry about giving birth to a child and being able to relieve one's self virtually anywhere are two major examples why it's awesome. However, what's the best part about being a dude, at least in this dude's opinion? Facial hair. Sorry Mike, it's true. Personally, while I am lacking in top of the head hair growing ability, I have mad facial hair skillz.

The options for facial hair are virtually endless. The question is, what does a man's face fuzz say about the content of his character? Let's get to it.

A Big, Grizzly Beard

You've never met a razor you like. You may have designs on being a mall Santa at some point. You may be a lumberjack. Homeless? Possibly. Lazy? Definitely.

Selleck 'stache

You are: A. In law enforcement. B. Really into NASCAR. C. Gay.

Sick Sideburns

You enjoy facial hair, but maybe you're not all in. Maybe "the Man" tells you that's all the facial hair you're allowed. Or maybe you are a legend. No matter the situation, sideburns are a great warm-up for the facial hair big leagues.

Handlebars and Fu Manchus

You like attention. There is a high probability you are a Hall of Fame pitcher with an odd name. Or you're just an idiot.

...and that does it for our first foray into the land of facial hair! We shall return again soon.

The Beer Index, Volume 1

They say you should write about what you know, and that's exactly what I am going to do. I present to you the Beer Index, Volume 1.

Chilling and Watching the Game Beer

You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?

• Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
• Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
• Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?

Shower Beer

Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?

• Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with yourself...in the shower! Excellent!
• Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
• Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.

Girly Drinks for Men

Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?

• Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
• Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
• Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.

Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer

Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.

Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.

Fantasy Football: Destroying (My) Friendships and (My) Phones Since 2005

What a stupid game. A stupid, stupid game. A game where all you do is pick a list of 10 players to "start" for your "team" each weekend, then leave everything to the fantasy football gods or whatever other deities you believe control these sorts of things. Even though you only have control of the roster you build and zero control over the injuries and failures of the players on said team, you blame yourself for losses. These losses, by the way, are invariably more painful than your victories are joyous. The perfect example happened in Week 8 this year. My game against my buddy all came down to the Monday Night game between the Saints and the Falcons. Facing near certain loss, two of my guys (Drew Brees and Pierre Thomas) combined for a TD, vaulting me improbably into the lead. Almost as soon as this happened, the Saints D, whom my buddy employed that week, picked off Matt Ryan to snatch the victory right from under my nose. Seconds later, my phone was flung 15 feet into the wall across the living room. May it rest in peace.

I have been the early 1990s Buffalo Bills of this league as of late. I have made the four team playoffs in our 10 team league each of the last three seasons. I have finished second, fourth, second. Even last season, when my team ripped off 10 consecutive wins to steamroll to the championship game, I lost by 20 when it mattered most. Second place finishes (and money) is alright, but not what I'm looking for.

So why would I play if it puts me through so much misery? It's because I love competition, for one. Why just sit around and watch football when you can gamble on it in multiple forms and beat your friends in the process? Also, it makes every game that affects your team interesting. I can sit through a Lions-Rams game as long as I started Kevin Smith that week. Finally, the victories are sweet, even if the emotion isn't as strong as the one created from a tough loss. So yes, fantasy football drives me crazy and I hate it...

...but I love it, too.