Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Hot Dog Thoughts

I like mustard (particularly brown and dijon) but if you don't shake the bottle first, mustard juice is one of the grossest things in the world.

Hunt's ketchup is better than Heinz. Yeah, I said it.

Relish is impossible to evenly distribute out of a squeeze bottle. There is always a bottleneck at the bottle's neck, then once you squeeze hard enough, there is an avalanche of the green stuff. I love relish, but not half a bottle of it on one dog.

Bun length should be the only length...except for footlong.

Sesame seed buns are clearly the best but I'm generally too cheap to buy them.

If I have my plate in my lap, at least one of the hot dogs is going to roll over onto its top when I shift my weight, leaving a pile of toppings in its wake. Dunking your dog in a mass of ketchup, mustard and relish just isn't the same as having them resting comfortably on top of the dog.

Two hot dogs are never quite enough, but three are almost always too many.

As a general rule, I prefer french fries to potato chips, but there's something about the crispy saltiness of chips that complements the dogs just perfectly. They go together like lamb and tuna fish.

A lot of people like to make a big deal about all of the gross stuff that goes into a hot dog. I honestly don't care. I'm sure I'm eating terrible things all the time. Hardly any food is truly "clean", yet I've never once had food poisoning. Bring it, food. I'm not hiding; you know where to find me.

BBQing dogs is far and away the best way to have them (as all other meat) and when I grill them, burning the shit out of them is the only way to go. Think a burnt marshmallow, just meatier.

I never knew how opinionated I am about hot dogs until just now.

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