Not Finding Bigfoot

I'm not quite sure what wonderful potion is in the water at the offices of Animal Planet, but I want it running through my pipes. First, "Whale Wars" came into my life. Now, I have discovered "Finding Bigfoot".

From the people who brought you a show about incompetent morons trying to save whales, we now bring you a show about incompetent morons traipsing through the woods in a new location every week, looking for a mythical creature, howling at the top of their lungs, and hitting trees with baseball bats!

The show is about the Bigfoot Research Organization, a group who searches in vain trying to prove that Sasquatches exist. My favorite character is Bobo, a lumbering oaf who has one of the most amazing voices ever (Seriously, a million times better than that homeless announcer guy) but probably could never be a professional announcer because I'm not entirely convinced he can read. Another character is the actual biologist who is probably a lesbian and is definitely the most respectable member of the cast. She is so questioning at all times, I actually think she doesn't even really believe in Bigfoot and just goes along for the ride because it is a really easy paycheck.

The funniest part of the show is when they say things like, "We know Bigfoots turn grey as they age, just like humans," or "A Sasquatch knocks on trees to communicate with each other." How can they possibly know this?!? They almost certainly don't exist. Honestly, if these things are real, why don't we have any corpses anywhere, or an accidental hunting shooting, or one in a zoo somewhere? It is impossible to me that these enormous creatures could hide this well. Even if they do exist, we have never had one in captivity in order to study them, learn how they age and communicate, etc. Passing these things off as fact to people like me is humorous. Doing it to people who believe almost seems cruel. It will make other believers try this nonsense themselves, and waste their times too. The other hilarious thing is they maim the word Sasquatch and turn in into verbs, like, "These woods are very Squatchy!"

I must say though, other than the biologist, I truly do believe that these people believe what they are saying and in the Bigfoot. I just don't know why. I've seen virtually every episode of "MonsterQuest". These mythical creatures are just that; myths. I understand that it is cool to believe in these things, but this world is an incredible place with thousands of amazing creatures already. We don't need to invent any more.

Plus, who am I to laugh at them? They are doing something they love, have a TV show, I'm sure are compensated well, and I'm me. BFRO 1, Tom 0. Besides, I love (laughing at) this show, so I hope they don't stop hunting anytime soon.

Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe is perhaps the greatest sexual icon of all time. She was stunningly gorgeous and was an at least capable performer. Her photospreads are so iconic they are constantly being emulated by the celebrities of today. She lived a glamorous but tragically short life. She is unquestionably an icon.

But why in the hell is she an idol?

One of my least favorite things about Facebook is sifting through all of the meaningless quotes from her on various profiles and status updates. Sure, all of the girl power quips from her seem all well and good until you consider the source was a strumpet who ran around on her husbands, had affairs with other actors and hooked up with both Kennedy brothers. This is someone to look up to? If someone likes her quotes, fine, but if she actually wants to be like her then I want to head in the other direction...unless she looks like Marilyn. I try to be a man of character but hey, I'm human.

Admittedly I am biased on this subject. There is nothing I loathe or disrespect than infidelity. Wanna date someone? Great! Wanna marry them? Congrats! But if you want to be with them, just be with them. Otherwise, don't. Cheaters are the most selfish people out there because they want to have their cake and have sex with other cake too.

I realize that relationships in Hollywood are generally a sham between two fake people anyway and running around is rampant. I just don't get why she is on this pedestal. I love looking at her but I would never want to be with someone like her.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are much less talented and nowhere near as good looking, but they are vilified for their actions and...Wait, some girls want to be like them too?!?! OK, maybe Marilyn Monroe isn't so bad after all.

The Day After Drinksmas

Twas the day after Drinksmas,
And no one was in bed.
The guys were asleep
but on couches instead.

Aaron still in his polo
and Tom in his Twins cap,
Didn't bother to change
before this long winter's nap.

All of a sudden
There came a great noise.
Loud enough in fact,
It awoke all of the boys.

The door swung open
just shy of noon.
And Mike, Joe and Ben
strode into the room.

Sweezy and Jon wondered aloud
What had happened to the three.
The night before was a late one
and memories were hazy.

"We were able to drive
and left you last night.
You guys were pretty gone,
Not a woman in sight."

The group reunited for football,
And Bakke said with a cheer,
"Merry Drinksmas to all,
And a Happy Brew Year!"

The Cutting Room Floor

I've had this blog for a few years now, and even though I go through spells of inactivity, I have made quite a few posts. Still, there are a couple I started and didn't follow through on until the end. I'm sure this probably seems impossible, since I clearly am not afraid to post something mediocre. Still, there are outtakes out there, still saved in the system, which I will share with you now.

The first was a very meta idea I had awhile back involving two of my favorite foils, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson. It was going to be styled like a boxing match, except that points were awarded for being a bad person instead of a good puncher (Although, being a good puncher would be beneficial in this type of contest. Moving on.) Here is what I had:

Charlie Sheen is a crazy person with a stripper and cocaine affinity. Mel Gibson is a crazy person with an anger and alcohol affinity. Both men have ascended (somewhere near) the top of their profession, but more recently have made headlines for losing their shit. The burning question is who is crazier?

Before we begin, some of you may be thinking, "Wow, Tom, this article seems really mean-spirited. Why do you dislike these two so much? Why do you write stuff that no one is going to read anyway?" Look, I'm not poking fun at them because they are people with problems. I'm making fun of them because they are clearly terrible people who also happen to have problems. That said...

Let's get ready to RUMMMMMMBLE!!!

The Tale of the Tape

Fighting out of the Powder White Corner, Carlos the Conspiracy Theorist, the Christmas Day Criminal, the Cocaine Cowboy, the Awful Sitcom Superstar...CHAZ SHEEEEEEEEEEN!!!

Fighting out of the Beer Bottle Brown Corner, the Almost Australian Asshole, the Threatenator, the Homophobic Hammer, the Collossus of Kraut...MEL GIIIIIIIIIIBSON!!!

LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!

Round 1: Most Arrests

Chaz has been officially arrested twice, once on drug charges, and once for threatening his then-wife on Christmas Day 2009. Say what you want, but the man knows how to show his family a happy holidays! Gibby has a DUI under his belt, which isn't good, but was made miles worse because he went on an antisemitic rant while pulled over. He also (allegedly) threatened his girlfriend including saying he was going to (allegedly) plant her in the garden.

Sheen also was caught in a hotel room by the cops high on cocaine after causing $7000 in damage to his room, yet was not charged. I'm not sure what genie he porked to get all of this amazingly good luck, but I'd love to meet her (Although given Sheen's history, protection would be mandatory).

Since Sheen's arrests had violence and Gibson's had violence AND racism, the decision is:

Gibson 10 Sheen 9

Round 2: ...

You get the idea. The problem wasn't so much that this was a terrible idea, it was just a difficult one to pull off. Also, I generally prefer shorter posts so people don't lose interest, whereas that article would have gone on and on. I still think there's a funny idea in there somewhere, but I won't be the one to write it.

The other one was an article about Duluth. I was listening to Kanye West's "Graduation" CD awhile ago (surprising, I know) and the song "Homecoming" came on. It is a song where he alludes to his home town of Chicago the whole time, making references as if the city was a woman. I thought to myself, "That's an idea I can steal!" Here is what I got:

You've always been there for me, unconditionally. I've always been way into you, too. Almost to the point where I feel like Shallow Hal sometimes; I just don't understand why some people don't see you the way I do. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Not surprisingly, you are cold a lot of the time, then can be unusually hot, too (Fellas, you know how that goes, right?). No matter though. It's always easy to add layers, and the fan is never too far away.

I aborted that pile because it was unoriginal and unfunny. See, I can write worse things than the stuff I post!

Well, that's all I've got for tonight. Thanks for joining me on a behind the scenes tour of my mind.

The Magic Box

I love TV; that's no secret. That doesn't mean it is perfect. Here are some gripes and suggestions I have for my favorite medium.

Cakes and Cakes and Cakes

I like eating cake. That said, I don't understand why there are about a dozen different shows about fancy cakes and the people who make them. These people are undeniably talented, but I have zero interest in people spending way to much money on an (albeit awesome looking) piece of food that will be eaten or spoil shortly, while I'm sitting on my couch eating food out of a box. A similar show is the one about the professional sand castle builders. I feel like that sentence speaks for itself.

Make it Stop, Tyler Perry

Admittedly, I have never tried to watch any of his terrible-looking movies or TV shows. The reason is they are all terrible looking. The all seem like small derivations of each other, one as bad as the next. I know I shouldn't judge without seeing one, but I tried that with "Allen Gregory", Jonah Hill's new cartoon. I like Jonah Hill, so even though I saw previews and was very unimpressed, I gave it a shot. It was every bit as bad as I had feared, probably even worse. Maybe the funny was trapped in the weight he lost. Say what you will about me, but I occasionally learn from my mistakes, so I will just say no to Tyler Perry. The other maddening thing is great shows get cancelled or never get a chance, but absolute dreck like this or "Yes, Dear" or "According to Jim" live for the better part of a decade. "Community" is on the doorstep of death while "Two and a Half Men" keeps chugging along. It's all about ratings, but it sucks.

Good Times

They have shows about fishing, mining, guns, moonshine, weed, hoggers and everything else. In this sea of reality, somehow I haven't run into a good show about a group of buddies traveling around, checking the cool spots in various cities and mixing it up with the locals. Dave Attell sort of did this with "Insomniac", but I think a show like that would be much more interesting with a group rather than an individual. Think "Insomniac" meets the most entertaining parts of "The Real World", but with creative, fun people instead of dumb drunk whores, meets "Man Vs. Food", but with nightlife instead of restaurants. I'm sure shows somewhat similar to this exist, but I haven't seen one done right yet.

The Wide World of Sports

I love watching sports, and do it often. I just don't understand the programming of a lot of it. If I wanted to watch the spelling bee or hot dog eating contests (which I don't), I just have to flip on ESPN at the right time. On the other hand, exciting real sports like college hockey or Australian rules football are either localized or aren't broadcast. I understand that I am biased because I am a huge fan of the (National Champion) UMD Bulldogs and I hate watching hot dog eating, and that they show what will draw well. I guess this is more of a complaint on what people are interested in that the programmers, but I still don't like it. I hear that Versus and the NHL Network are talking about showing some games, so at least there is progress and a home that makes sense for both.

I would list some more gripes and changes I would like to make to TV, but I have to getting back to watch TV. Catch ya later.

Beast Mode

I started an insurance claim, made multiple important phone calls, and did laundry all without putting on real pants today. #BeastMode

I'm going to eat at least 3 full plates of food this Thanksgiving. #FeastMode

You will never guess who holds the all-time Major League record for RBI in an inning. #FernandoTatisMode

I'm craving some cinnamon raisin bread right about now. #YeastMode

Happy holidays to all my Spanish speaking hermanos and hermanas. #FelizMode

It will be funny to me that once my brother and/or sister have kids, I will be Uncle Tom. #NephewAndNieceMode

Greyhounds for life. #EastMode

I have some moments from my past that I could use atonement for. #PriestMode

I doubt the validity of most late night TV male enhancement products. #ProbablyNotIncreasedMode

This is a few pretty lazy posts in a row. #IWroteSomethingAtLeastMode

Word Play

Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with me knows I enjoy words. I certainly enjoy word play. My blog is named Shefonomics and my terrible fantasy football team is named Mendenhall and Oates after all. Strangely enough, I have never particularly cared for Scrabble. I would like to take the time now to share with you some of my favorite words and phrases.

Hacked off: Canada has always amused me. I think it's funny that they have plum sauce instead of barbecue sauce, I think it's funny that they have money called Loonies and Twonies and I think it's interesting that absolutely everything up there is plastered in maple leaves. But my favorite thing about Canada is the way they talk, and not just their accents. The words they use tickle me and none more than when they say something "hacks them off". In all honesty it makes every bit as much sense as saying you're pissed off but it just sounds hilarious to me for whatever reason.

Indubitably: Because it is way longer than necessary to say when all you really need to say is yes. It makes me feel smarter and douchier when I use it.

Creme fraiche: Because of South Park. I'd link it but I'm typing on my phone. My laptop took a crap which partially explains why the last night of October is my first post of the month. I'm doing this because I love you all very much.

Snatch, domed and tubed: For steal, indoor football stadiums and pipes. Get your minds out of the gutter and pass the butter.