The Magic Box

I love TV; that's no secret. That doesn't mean it is perfect. Here are some gripes and suggestions I have for my favorite medium.

Cakes and Cakes and Cakes

I like eating cake. That said, I don't understand why there are about a dozen different shows about fancy cakes and the people who make them. These people are undeniably talented, but I have zero interest in people spending way to much money on an (albeit awesome looking) piece of food that will be eaten or spoil shortly, while I'm sitting on my couch eating food out of a box. A similar show is the one about the professional sand castle builders. I feel like that sentence speaks for itself.

Make it Stop, Tyler Perry

Admittedly, I have never tried to watch any of his terrible-looking movies or TV shows. The reason is they are all terrible looking. The all seem like small derivations of each other, one as bad as the next. I know I shouldn't judge without seeing one, but I tried that with "Allen Gregory", Jonah Hill's new cartoon. I like Jonah Hill, so even though I saw previews and was very unimpressed, I gave it a shot. It was every bit as bad as I had feared, probably even worse. Maybe the funny was trapped in the weight he lost. Say what you will about me, but I occasionally learn from my mistakes, so I will just say no to Tyler Perry. The other maddening thing is great shows get cancelled or never get a chance, but absolute dreck like this or "Yes, Dear" or "According to Jim" live for the better part of a decade. "Community" is on the doorstep of death while "Two and a Half Men" keeps chugging along. It's all about ratings, but it sucks.

Good Times

They have shows about fishing, mining, guns, moonshine, weed, hoggers and everything else. In this sea of reality, somehow I haven't run into a good show about a group of buddies traveling around, checking the cool spots in various cities and mixing it up with the locals. Dave Attell sort of did this with "Insomniac", but I think a show like that would be much more interesting with a group rather than an individual. Think "Insomniac" meets the most entertaining parts of "The Real World", but with creative, fun people instead of dumb drunk whores, meets "Man Vs. Food", but with nightlife instead of restaurants. I'm sure shows somewhat similar to this exist, but I haven't seen one done right yet.

The Wide World of Sports

I love watching sports, and do it often. I just don't understand the programming of a lot of it. If I wanted to watch the spelling bee or hot dog eating contests (which I don't), I just have to flip on ESPN at the right time. On the other hand, exciting real sports like college hockey or Australian rules football are either localized or aren't broadcast. I understand that I am biased because I am a huge fan of the (National Champion) UMD Bulldogs and I hate watching hot dog eating, and that they show what will draw well. I guess this is more of a complaint on what people are interested in that the programmers, but I still don't like it. I hear that Versus and the NHL Network are talking about showing some games, so at least there is progress and a home that makes sense for both.

I would list some more gripes and changes I would like to make to TV, but I have to getting back to watch TV. Catch ya later.

Beast Mode

I started an insurance claim, made multiple important phone calls, and did laundry all without putting on real pants today. #BeastMode

I'm going to eat at least 3 full plates of food this Thanksgiving. #FeastMode

You will never guess who holds the all-time Major League record for RBI in an inning. #FernandoTatisMode

I'm craving some cinnamon raisin bread right about now. #YeastMode

Happy holidays to all my Spanish speaking hermanos and hermanas. #FelizMode

It will be funny to me that once my brother and/or sister have kids, I will be Uncle Tom. #NephewAndNieceMode

Greyhounds for life. #EastMode

I have some moments from my past that I could use atonement for. #PriestMode

I doubt the validity of most late night TV male enhancement products. #ProbablyNotIncreasedMode

This is a few pretty lazy posts in a row. #IWroteSomethingAtLeastMode

Word Play

Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time with me knows I enjoy words. I certainly enjoy word play. My blog is named Shefonomics and my terrible fantasy football team is named Mendenhall and Oates after all. Strangely enough, I have never particularly cared for Scrabble. I would like to take the time now to share with you some of my favorite words and phrases.

Hacked off: Canada has always amused me. I think it's funny that they have plum sauce instead of barbecue sauce, I think it's funny that they have money called Loonies and Twonies and I think it's interesting that absolutely everything up there is plastered in maple leaves. But my favorite thing about Canada is the way they talk, and not just their accents. The words they use tickle me and none more than when they say something "hacks them off". In all honesty it makes every bit as much sense as saying you're pissed off but it just sounds hilarious to me for whatever reason.

Indubitably: Because it is way longer than necessary to say when all you really need to say is yes. It makes me feel smarter and douchier when I use it.

Creme fraiche: Because of South Park. I'd link it but I'm typing on my phone. My laptop took a crap which partially explains why the last night of October is my first post of the month. I'm doing this because I love you all very much.

Snatch, domed and tubed: For steal, indoor football stadiums and pipes. Get your minds out of the gutter and pass the butter.

Tomservations 2

It is not a good idea to relieve yourself in the pool. It is an especially bad idea to relieve yourself in the pool if you're wearing a white swimsuit.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...unless you hate yourself. Then just be nice.

After watching the VMAs and Lady Gaga's awful impersonation of a man, I am 100% convinced she doesn't have a hanglow. Oh yeah, and Britney Spears is really hot again. Noticed that, too.

If it's Saturday night, you are getting ready to go out and you don't have a beer in the shower, you just aren't trying.

The Twins are now 9-33 in their last 42 games. It's pretty awful that I envy KC Royals fans at this point. At least I won't have to watch the Yankees embarrass them in the playoffs yet again this fall.

I'm not sure if ladies' "time of the month" clocks actually do sync up, but roommates' laundry and shower ones absolutely do.

If something (or someone) seems way too easy, then it is.

The first time I've actually been excited to watch the Timberwolves play in over half a decade, and the NBA is locked out. I don't even know why I like sports.

I wish "In-N-Out Burger" was called "In-N-Out-N-In-Again" purely for comedic purposes.

The Summer of Tom: In Review

Back in April, I told all of you about my former ill-fated decisions to decree a series of Summers during college "The Summer of Tom", all of which were unmitigated failures. After much deliberation, I chose to roll the dice one more time.

As much as I loathe thinking that the Summer is over, the fact is, it is. While I love fall, most notably the return of football and Halloween, I am never ready for Fall. Summer is preciously short around here, and I'm lazy, so I invariably wind up wasting too many beautiful days even though I know they are in short supply. Oh well, it's time for me to move on. My friends, it is time to recap my adventure.

The three main categories I broke down originally were getting into sweet shape, becoming a lady killer and ruling the world professionally, the three cogs of any important endeavor.

As far as my body goes, it is still fairly mediocre but unfat. I have been horrible at making myself work out. I still eat a very unhealthy diet. By all rights, I should be a house, so I will call that a draw.

When it comes to the ladies, I had a girlfriend incredibly briefly (we all know how that worked out), and did reasonably well for myself the rest of the summer. Besides, I am still disease-free (which is the way to be, after all) and am almost certain I am childless still, so I will call that a squeaker of a victory.

Professionally, I still don't rule the world with an iron fist. I do not possess a corner office, a private jet or a mansion with a pool house...yet. However, my company treats me well, I received a promotion and I haven't been fired. Another win for Tommy Boy.

In a more general sense, I would say this summer went swimmingly. I made it down to the Twin Cities to hang with my buddies a few times, I had an awesome birthday, things have gone well at the new house and I've made some new friends. Yeah, I didn't play as much golf as I would have liked or gone out of town quite enough, but I never do. It was still a very fun summer.

I can honestly say, for the first time ever, The Summer of Tom was a success. Hmm, maybe I should predict "AuTom" next? Nah.

A Conversation With My 15 Year Old Self

15 year old me: Whoa, are you...me?

25 year old me: Yep. I somehow aquired a time machine and decided to pay you a visit.

15: That's so cool! How old are you? 34, 35?

25: ...25.

15: Yikes. Looks like it's been some hard living for you the last decade.

25: Shut up. Do you have any questions about the future?

15: Hell yes! How is being an architect?

25: Um, I'm sort of not one.

15: What? But that's what I want to do!

25: Yes, you do. But after awhile, you sort of just won't want to be one anymore.

15 That doesn't make sense!

25: Please stop yelling at me. I'm nursing a bit of a hangover.

15: What do you mean? I don't drink.

25: No you don't. Stay golden, wonder-child.

15: Have you at least designed your own house yet?

25: I'm sort of renting still. The economy is going to take a nosedive soon. Lay off me, I've got a lot on my plate.

15: Whatever. So am I going to start doing better with girls soon?

25: I wouldn't hold your breath.

15: Well what about you? How are you doing with the ladies?

25: Better than you!

15: Like that's real hard! This has been so depressing so far. Why did you come here?

25: Because it is always important to remember where you came from.

15: Fair enough. Wait, you're from the future. What advice do you have for me?

25: Spend as much time as possible with family and friends. Enjoy every moment of organized sports in high school, because let's face it, we aren't Big 10 material. Don't be afraid to take chances every once in awhile. Oh, and never, ever sell insurance.

15: That all makes sense. Wait, though. Now that I know what's going to happen, I can just change it and the future won't be the one you have lived.

25: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

15: Why not?

25: For one, I like my life. For two, it could end up just like "The Butterfly Effect" and...

15: What's that?

25: Oh yeah, it's a movie that doesn't exist yet. It's where Ashton Kutcher...never mind. The point is, it's impossible to know how much you could change by knowing the future when no one else does.

15: Yeah, well how do you plan on stopping me.

25: I have the brain erase zapper from the "Men in Black" movies.

15: Movies, as in more than one? Besides, that doesn't exist in real life.

25: This is my blog. Whatever I want to exist, does.

::ZAP::

The Embarrassment Scale

From the creator of "The Dating Scale", we now bring you "The Embarrassment Scale"!

Embarrassment is a fact of life. Even the smoothest people occasionally trip up. Not all faux pas are created equal though. I've never seen anyone try to quantify it before, so screw it, why don't I do it? This scale is slightly different than "The Dating Scale", because it isn't an aggregate, just a one-shot score. Blah, blah, blah, let's do this thing.

10 points: Sneezing and accidentally snot-rocketing; Tripping upstairs

Yeah, it will redden your face, but it's all forgotten 10 minutes later. (The snot rocket is the close cousin of being in customer service and helping someone when your nose starts to run and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't you hate that?)

25 points: A boner in sweatpants in public; Accidentally farting in confirmation class

This is where stuff starts following you a little bit. Not life-altering, but you will definitely be hearing about it for quite awhile. No one wants to be remembered for untoward actions such as these...oh, and I definitely never cut one during confirmation.

40 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for another guy

Or if you are a female, the opposite of course. This one sucks because it isn't necessarily your fault. Still, people will be talking, and you will be pissed every time you think about it. Also, more permanent than anything else lower on the scale. The only good part about it is everyone feels bad for you for awhile, which I guess helps.

50 points: Your girlfriend leaving you for a girl

Ouch. I'm not saying it's really possible for someone to "flip" someone else. Chances are, they are either into both or this is something they had inside them since forever. Still, the perception of some less educated people will be that you drove them to this. Yikes.

75 points: Being fired for embezzlement

This level is different in that it is thoroughly embarrassing, yet wholly that person's fault. This is my favorite part of the scale because the rest of the examples on this list are people you feel empathy for. Here, you can ridicule them relentlessly without remorse because they deserve it. I honestly can't figure out how people think embezzlement is ever a good idea. I realize that they are usually hard up because of a gambling problem or drug habit, but has it ever worked, even once? It can be hilarious though!

100 points: Being left at the altar

Both horribly embarrassing and completely devastating. Honestly, I don't know how people bounce back from something like this (Though, truth be told, I'm sure it's exceptionally rare, despite what TV and shitty movies might have you believe.).

Now, the rest is up to you. These are just examples on a sliding scale. Any act could fit in here somewhere, just depending on how bad it is.

The ol' blog is going dark for the rest of the weekend. I will catch ya next week sometime.