The Magic Box

I love TV; that's no secret. That doesn't mean it is perfect. Here are some gripes and suggestions I have for my favorite medium.

Cakes and Cakes and Cakes

I like eating cake. That said, I don't understand why there are about a dozen different shows about fancy cakes and the people who make them. These people are undeniably talented, but I have zero interest in people spending way to much money on an (albeit awesome looking) piece of food that will be eaten or spoil shortly, while I'm sitting on my couch eating food out of a box. A similar show is the one about the professional sand castle builders. I feel like that sentence speaks for itself.

Make it Stop, Tyler Perry

Admittedly, I have never tried to watch any of his terrible-looking movies or TV shows. The reason is they are all terrible looking. The all seem like small derivations of each other, one as bad as the next. I know I shouldn't judge without seeing one, but I tried that with "Allen Gregory", Jonah Hill's new cartoon. I like Jonah Hill, so even though I saw previews and was very unimpressed, I gave it a shot. It was every bit as bad as I had feared, probably even worse. Maybe the funny was trapped in the weight he lost. Say what you will about me, but I occasionally learn from my mistakes, so I will just say no to Tyler Perry. The other maddening thing is great shows get cancelled or never get a chance, but absolute dreck like this or "Yes, Dear" or "According to Jim" live for the better part of a decade. "Community" is on the doorstep of death while "Two and a Half Men" keeps chugging along. It's all about ratings, but it sucks.

Good Times

They have shows about fishing, mining, guns, moonshine, weed, hoggers and everything else. In this sea of reality, somehow I haven't run into a good show about a group of buddies traveling around, checking the cool spots in various cities and mixing it up with the locals. Dave Attell sort of did this with "Insomniac", but I think a show like that would be much more interesting with a group rather than an individual. Think "Insomniac" meets the most entertaining parts of "The Real World", but with creative, fun people instead of dumb drunk whores, meets "Man Vs. Food", but with nightlife instead of restaurants. I'm sure shows somewhat similar to this exist, but I haven't seen one done right yet.

The Wide World of Sports

I love watching sports, and do it often. I just don't understand the programming of a lot of it. If I wanted to watch the spelling bee or hot dog eating contests (which I don't), I just have to flip on ESPN at the right time. On the other hand, exciting real sports like college hockey or Australian rules football are either localized or aren't broadcast. I understand that I am biased because I am a huge fan of the (National Champion) UMD Bulldogs and I hate watching hot dog eating, and that they show what will draw well. I guess this is more of a complaint on what people are interested in that the programmers, but I still don't like it. I hear that Versus and the NHL Network are talking about showing some games, so at least there is progress and a home that makes sense for both.

I would list some more gripes and changes I would like to make to TV, but I have to getting back to watch TV. Catch ya later.

The Losses That Bind

Anyone who even kind of knows me knows I am an absolute sports fanatic. Hell, I'm watching a repeat of the British Open 2nd Round and am about to go to a Huskies game as I type. Anyway, I've noticed that the losses my teams suffer hurt way more than the wins they collect.

The best way to appreciate this is to compare to rooting occasions from the last couple years. The first was the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game 2 seasons ago. The other is the UMD hockey team playing for the National Championship this spring.

Both occasions were similar in many ways. Buddies and drinking were involved. Leading up to both games, our balls all tingled in anticipation (don't ask me how I know their balls tingled). It feels like the first time you're about to make love into a new woman, but have to take a dump at the same time. Like going for a job interview, but then the woman interviewing you is incredibly hot and wearing a revealing blouse. Like rain on your wedding day. Like you feel sick to your stomach, but never more alive.

Both games were extremely intense. Both wound up in OT. The Vikings could have won easily but couldn't get out of their own way. The Bulldogs played well but scoring was hard to come by. Where the games diverged was when Brett Favre threw that awful, horrible, inexcusable INT right at the end of regulation. I went from thinking the Vikings were going to the Super Bowl to knowing they were going to lose. Someone could have punched my in my fat face right then and I wouldn't have even felt it I was so numb. The hockey game never had a crushing blow like that.

We all know how things ended. The Vikings lost, the Bulldogs won. Make no mistake, we were all ecstatic when the Dogs won it. Homoerotic ass slaps and bear hugs were shared all night long. The thing is, that level of elation just was not on the same level as the crushing pain after the Vikes game. After the Vikings game, we tried in vain to find an open bar, drove through a snowstorm to gamble, I spun off of the freeway, and we finally gave up on life being fair that day.

Granted, we do care more about the Vikings. Personally,it's fairly close for me but the Vikes are my first love. Still,I think for whatever reason most people take something bad happening harder than they get excited about something good happening. I know I do...maybe because I hate myself, but I know I'm not alone in this.