Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that may seem like lost causes. However, when examined in the proper light, it becomes clear that the situations have been misunderstood, and they are actually opportunities to excel. Observe.
Getting to a Bar and Finding No Women
Sausage fests aren't ideal. All single guys (and some taken men) are always thinking about trying to pick up women when they go out. It's a fact. But think of it this way: If you go to a bar packed with eligible women and go home empty-handed (literally), you get mad and feel like a loser. At least in my experience, there is an overwhelmingly high probability of this being the final outcome. But, if you go to a bar where nary a girl is found, other than the ones with their boyfriends, there is no one to strike out with. No reason to get down on yourself! You can't take home a woman who doesn't exist. This scenario also allows you to concentrate on the important things in life, like beer, wings, beer, pool, beer, buddies, darts and beer. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Rain on an Off Day
I am like everyone else, so I like to make grand plans for my days off, including Sundays. The problem is, Sundays are also my day of rest, so I find myself on the couch in front of the TV on most of them. If it a beautiful, sunny Sunday, I hate myself for wasting it. If it's shitty out, I feel much better about myself. "I should be on the couch! Only an idiot would be out in this stuff." So, does golf or frolf or BBQing happen? No, but neither does crippling self-loathing.
Rooting for a Terrible Sports Team
Trust me, I've had plenty of practice. Obviously, I want nothing more than my favorite teams to win it all. At the same time, getting kicked in the stomach is much more painful than knowing your team sucks all year. The Vikings losing in 3 NFC Championship Games since 1998 has been excruciating. The Timberwolves being awful since 2005 has been annoying. Annoying is more palatable. Make no mistake, I still have better memories from those Vikings seasons than the Wolves ones, but at least the Wolves have inflicted less pain. This one is sort of a win by default, but who cares, it's my blog.
I'm sure there are countless more examples of this phenomenon. I may even share more with you someday. That's all I have for now though, because daddy needs his nap.
Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Minnesota Vikings. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Losses That Bind
Anyone who even kind of knows me knows I am an absolute sports fanatic. Hell, I'm watching a repeat of the British Open 2nd Round and am about to go to a Huskies game as I type. Anyway, I've noticed that the losses my teams suffer hurt way more than the wins they collect.
The best way to appreciate this is to compare to rooting occasions from the last couple years. The first was the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game 2 seasons ago. The other is the UMD hockey team playing for the National Championship this spring.
Both occasions were similar in many ways. Buddies and drinking were involved. Leading up to both games, our balls all tingled in anticipation (don't ask me how I know their balls tingled). It feels like the first time you're about to make love into a new woman, but have to take a dump at the same time. Like going for a job interview, but then the woman interviewing you is incredibly hot and wearing a revealing blouse. Like rain on your wedding day. Like you feel sick to your stomach, but never more alive.
Both games were extremely intense. Both wound up in OT. The Vikings could have won easily but couldn't get out of their own way. The Bulldogs played well but scoring was hard to come by. Where the games diverged was when Brett Favre threw that awful, horrible, inexcusable INT right at the end of regulation. I went from thinking the Vikings were going to the Super Bowl to knowing they were going to lose. Someone could have punched my in my fat face right then and I wouldn't have even felt it I was so numb. The hockey game never had a crushing blow like that.
We all know how things ended. The Vikings lost, the Bulldogs won. Make no mistake, we were all ecstatic when the Dogs won it. Homoerotic ass slaps and bear hugs were shared all night long. The thing is, that level of elation just was not on the same level as the crushing pain after the Vikes game. After the Vikings game, we tried in vain to find an open bar, drove through a snowstorm to gamble, I spun off of the freeway, and we finally gave up on life being fair that day.
Granted, we do care more about the Vikings. Personally,it's fairly close for me but the Vikes are my first love. Still,I think for whatever reason most people take something bad happening harder than they get excited about something good happening. I know I do...maybe because I hate myself, but I know I'm not alone in this.
The best way to appreciate this is to compare to rooting occasions from the last couple years. The first was the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game 2 seasons ago. The other is the UMD hockey team playing for the National Championship this spring.
Both occasions were similar in many ways. Buddies and drinking were involved. Leading up to both games, our balls all tingled in anticipation (don't ask me how I know their balls tingled). It feels like the first time you're about to make love into a new woman, but have to take a dump at the same time. Like going for a job interview, but then the woman interviewing you is incredibly hot and wearing a revealing blouse. Like rain on your wedding day. Like you feel sick to your stomach, but never more alive.
Both games were extremely intense. Both wound up in OT. The Vikings could have won easily but couldn't get out of their own way. The Bulldogs played well but scoring was hard to come by. Where the games diverged was when Brett Favre threw that awful, horrible, inexcusable INT right at the end of regulation. I went from thinking the Vikings were going to the Super Bowl to knowing they were going to lose. Someone could have punched my in my fat face right then and I wouldn't have even felt it I was so numb. The hockey game never had a crushing blow like that.
We all know how things ended. The Vikings lost, the Bulldogs won. Make no mistake, we were all ecstatic when the Dogs won it. Homoerotic ass slaps and bear hugs were shared all night long. The thing is, that level of elation just was not on the same level as the crushing pain after the Vikes game. After the Vikings game, we tried in vain to find an open bar, drove through a snowstorm to gamble, I spun off of the freeway, and we finally gave up on life being fair that day.
Granted, we do care more about the Vikings. Personally,it's fairly close for me but the Vikes are my first love. Still,I think for whatever reason most people take something bad happening harder than they get excited about something good happening. I know I do...maybe because I hate myself, but I know I'm not alone in this.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
5 of the Most Traumatic Experiences of My Life
I feel like I'm fairly open on my blog. I've touched on job hunts, party habits, sports allegiances, but never some of the most awful things that have happened to me. Since I consider you all my friends, I'm ready to share some of my deepest, darkest secrets.
5. Asking a Girl Out for the First Time
As I've freely admitted, I'm not terribly awesome with women. That being said, I was horrifyingly bad with girls in elementary school. I didn't talk to them. Ever. Why would I? Still, I had a new crush every month or so.
When 4th grade finally rolled around, I was finally ready to strike. By strike, I mean meekly write an "I like you" note, cross my fingers and hope for the best. I tried this with 2 different girls (Not at the same time; even then I wasn't that dumb.). I didn't get bad results. The reason? I got no results at all. They got the notes, told all their friends, then said nothing to me about them. Ever. What the hell? At least tell me, "I don't like you or your fat face." The silence cut like a knife. Oh well; bitches gonna be bitches.
4. Nearly Drowned...Twice
My lovely grandparents took the kids from my mom's side of the family on a camping trip to Big Sandy. The campground had a lake with a large swimming area. To paint a picture, I'm still a terrible swimmer. My best stroke isn't the breaststroke or backstroke, it's the struggle and sink. Somehow, my brother and I ventured out a bit too far, and started fighting for our lives. My grampa saved my bro and my cousin saved me. Later that trip, we set a tree on fire trying to make torches with sap. My poor grandparents.
Fast forward to the summer before 8th grade. I was on a sailing trip to the Apostle Islands with my family. We approached the first island, and anchored with my parents' friends' boat. Their son was slightly older and swam like he wasn't wearing concrete shoes. He decided to swim in. I decided to, too. Luckily, he decided to save me when I freaked out halfway and nearly drowned...again.
3. The 1998 NFC Championship Game
Clearly, I've always hated myself, because my first love was the Minnesota Vikings. Some of my earliest memories are of watching heartbreaking Vikings games. The '98 Vikes were different though. They were the best team the NFL had seen in years, they damn near went undefeated and they had Randy Moss in full-on Freak mode. This was going to be the team that finally brought the Super Bowl championship to Minnesota.
Then they didn't. They choked against the rotten, overachieving, stupid dancing, no-good-nothings the Atlanta Falcons. I was devastated. I threw a shit fit in the back room of my grandparents house (Those poor, wonderful people.). I was roughly 5 years too old to cry about a football game at that point, but it sure didn't stop me. Oh well, at least the Vikes have made up for it since. Damn it.
2. Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Again, I'm not real great with women generally. However, one was seduced by my bullshit to date me for about a year. The problem was, we were in college, she went home for the summer, and things went south quickly. Honestly, we were both miserable at the time, although I wasn't ready to admit it then.
Finally, she broke up with me. We decided we would give it two weeks to see if anything would change. I like to think my crisis management skills are much better now, but here's how I coped during those couple weeks. I:
-Grew a Beard
-Drank heavily nightly
-Threw up off the front porch
-Got tossed from a slow pitch softball game
By the time we talked again, I was mostly just relieved it was all over. Eventually, I shaved, the drinking lessened somewhat and I haven't been thrown out of any more games. Yet.
1. Birthday Party Surprise
When I was in the 1st grade, I went over to one of my buddy's birthday parties. His family lived in an awesome house down on London Rd. As I recall, it was quite the event. Games were played, cake was served, I sharted my pants, presents were given. This was such a traumatic experience, I don't even remember how I got out of there. I know I tried to clean myself up and hid in the bathroom. I imagine my mom picked me up and I never spoke to any of them ever again, though I can't say for sure.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the trip into my dark past. I'm sure I'll write about beer or something again very soon.
5. Asking a Girl Out for the First Time
As I've freely admitted, I'm not terribly awesome with women. That being said, I was horrifyingly bad with girls in elementary school. I didn't talk to them. Ever. Why would I? Still, I had a new crush every month or so.
When 4th grade finally rolled around, I was finally ready to strike. By strike, I mean meekly write an "I like you" note, cross my fingers and hope for the best. I tried this with 2 different girls (Not at the same time; even then I wasn't that dumb.). I didn't get bad results. The reason? I got no results at all. They got the notes, told all their friends, then said nothing to me about them. Ever. What the hell? At least tell me, "I don't like you or your fat face." The silence cut like a knife. Oh well; bitches gonna be bitches.
4. Nearly Drowned...Twice
My lovely grandparents took the kids from my mom's side of the family on a camping trip to Big Sandy. The campground had a lake with a large swimming area. To paint a picture, I'm still a terrible swimmer. My best stroke isn't the breaststroke or backstroke, it's the struggle and sink. Somehow, my brother and I ventured out a bit too far, and started fighting for our lives. My grampa saved my bro and my cousin saved me. Later that trip, we set a tree on fire trying to make torches with sap. My poor grandparents.
Fast forward to the summer before 8th grade. I was on a sailing trip to the Apostle Islands with my family. We approached the first island, and anchored with my parents' friends' boat. Their son was slightly older and swam like he wasn't wearing concrete shoes. He decided to swim in. I decided to, too. Luckily, he decided to save me when I freaked out halfway and nearly drowned...again.
3. The 1998 NFC Championship Game
Clearly, I've always hated myself, because my first love was the Minnesota Vikings. Some of my earliest memories are of watching heartbreaking Vikings games. The '98 Vikes were different though. They were the best team the NFL had seen in years, they damn near went undefeated and they had Randy Moss in full-on Freak mode. This was going to be the team that finally brought the Super Bowl championship to Minnesota.
Then they didn't. They choked against the rotten, overachieving, stupid dancing, no-good-nothings the Atlanta Falcons. I was devastated. I threw a shit fit in the back room of my grandparents house (Those poor, wonderful people.). I was roughly 5 years too old to cry about a football game at that point, but it sure didn't stop me. Oh well, at least the Vikes have made up for it since. Damn it.
2. Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Again, I'm not real great with women generally. However, one was seduced by my bullshit to date me for about a year. The problem was, we were in college, she went home for the summer, and things went south quickly. Honestly, we were both miserable at the time, although I wasn't ready to admit it then.
Finally, she broke up with me. We decided we would give it two weeks to see if anything would change. I like to think my crisis management skills are much better now, but here's how I coped during those couple weeks. I:
-Grew a Beard
-Drank heavily nightly
-Threw up off the front porch
-Got tossed from a slow pitch softball game
By the time we talked again, I was mostly just relieved it was all over. Eventually, I shaved, the drinking lessened somewhat and I haven't been thrown out of any more games. Yet.
1. Birthday Party Surprise
When I was in the 1st grade, I went over to one of my buddy's birthday parties. His family lived in an awesome house down on London Rd. As I recall, it was quite the event. Games were played, cake was served, I sharted my pants, presents were given. This was such a traumatic experience, I don't even remember how I got out of there. I know I tried to clean myself up and hid in the bathroom. I imagine my mom picked me up and I never spoke to any of them ever again, though I can't say for sure.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the trip into my dark past. I'm sure I'll write about beer or something again very soon.
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