The Summer of Tom: In Review

Back in April, I told all of you about my former ill-fated decisions to decree a series of Summers during college "The Summer of Tom", all of which were unmitigated failures. After much deliberation, I chose to roll the dice one more time.

As much as I loathe thinking that the Summer is over, the fact is, it is. While I love fall, most notably the return of football and Halloween, I am never ready for Fall. Summer is preciously short around here, and I'm lazy, so I invariably wind up wasting too many beautiful days even though I know they are in short supply. Oh well, it's time for me to move on. My friends, it is time to recap my adventure.

The three main categories I broke down originally were getting into sweet shape, becoming a lady killer and ruling the world professionally, the three cogs of any important endeavor.

As far as my body goes, it is still fairly mediocre but unfat. I have been horrible at making myself work out. I still eat a very unhealthy diet. By all rights, I should be a house, so I will call that a draw.

When it comes to the ladies, I had a girlfriend incredibly briefly (we all know how that worked out), and did reasonably well for myself the rest of the summer. Besides, I am still disease-free (which is the way to be, after all) and am almost certain I am childless still, so I will call that a squeaker of a victory.

Professionally, I still don't rule the world with an iron fist. I do not possess a corner office, a private jet or a mansion with a pool house...yet. However, my company treats me well, I received a promotion and I haven't been fired. Another win for Tommy Boy.

In a more general sense, I would say this summer went swimmingly. I made it down to the Twin Cities to hang with my buddies a few times, I had an awesome birthday, things have gone well at the new house and I've made some new friends. Yeah, I didn't play as much golf as I would have liked or gone out of town quite enough, but I never do. It was still a very fun summer.

I can honestly say, for the first time ever, The Summer of Tom was a success. Hmm, maybe I should predict "AuTom" next? Nah.

Closing Time...Almost

No, I'm not talking about the decent, but severely overplayed song. I'm talking about the summer. It isn't over yet, so I'm not quite ready to give my full recap of the Summer of Tom yet. Still, it's drawing near. It's that time of year where it is still awesome out during the day, but in Duluth, Minnesota, the nights and mornings have a distinct chill in the air. I actually kind of like it, because as a professional sleeper, the cooler air is conducive to me sleeping at an optimal level. Still, it is kind of depressing because I know my short summer is almost over.

I am always conflicted this time of year. I love summer and am never ready for it to be over. Also, when I was in school I always naturally dreaded going back every year. Now that I'm an adult, my life is always pretty much the same monotony regardless of the season (I like my life, but it's a fact). At the same time, falls around here are awesome too. Plus, it means football is back, which (in general and specifically the Vikings) are my first and truest love.

Perhaps the most depressing part of fall is all of the hot girls flying south for the winter with the birds. I'm sure they would claim they are still here all winter, but I know it's not true. It can't be possible that a sea of gorgeous women can only yield some snow bunnies if they are all actually still here. (Ok, fine. They are here all year and I'm a pig. Whatever. All I know is it's one more major point in the summer's favor.)

The other somewhat overlooked advantage of the summer is walking. No, I don't generally like to walk. Ever. However, I do like to go out, as has been well-documented on this blog. I don't like going to jail, so I avoid drinking and driving. That is much easier when all that is left between me and home is a pleasant stroll on a summer evening as opposed to plowing my way through snow drifts. Yeah, cabs are always an option, but I'm cheap and I always struggle with people stealing my cabs when I'm drunk. Then I get mad and walk home anyway.

The moral of the story is, get out there and take advantage of what little of the Summer of Tom is left. I'm definitely going to.

The Summer of Tom

Now that summer is just around a few more corners, I am reminded of an old ritual from my past. At the dawn of each new summer, for three or four years running, I would tell my buddy Aaron that the upcoming season would be The Summer of Tom.

Why? Well, I stole the idea from George Costanza. The Summer of George was an unmitigated disaster, so I'm not sure why this was the idea I chose to steal. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

Predictably, the SOTs always were sorely disappointing. It's not to say that my summers were horrible, but when you name a season after yourself, you have extremely high hopes. How high? Lemme tell ya.

Jacked, Tanned, and Ready to Party

I dislike working out. Once I pull my fat ass to the gym, I'm fine. The problem is the whole forcing myself to go. The couch and 12 oz. curls are more appealing to me than a bench and 25 lbs. curls. Still, Duluth has Park Point and Park Point has scores of women. I wanted in on some of that action, but I needed some honey to attract those flies. Wait, that didn't sound right. I needed to look fly to attract the honeys. Yeah, that's it. Unfortunately, my goals of looking like this always turned out like this.

Pimpin' All Over the World

(Quick Tangent: I always loved the song and video for "Pimpin' All Over the World", but Luda picked the 50th best looking girl in the video. He's pimpin' ALL over the world! You can do better, Luda. Back to the nonsense.)

Even during the SOTs I was somewhat realistic about my prospects with females. Still, the season was named after me! I had to get somewhat lucky. Unfortunately, women don't flock to the golf course or my living room. Plus, the bar never works for me because I'm either too shy to approach anyone or too drunk to be coherent. It's less than ideal. Point is, I did not get any action. What did I think it was, November? (Inside joke.)

Ruling the World With an Iron Fist

I was in college during the SOTs, so I knew I wouldn't be thrust into an important position at a Fortune 500 company. That said, I figured I would finally score the internship which would lead to the full-time position which would lead to promotions which would lead to this. After all, I know what it takes to be successful in the corporate world. So what jobs did I have during those summers? I was a Bellman, a Guest Services Representative and a failed Insurance Agent. Damnit.

A few years ago, I finally gave up. Why set myself up to fail? I realize the Summers of Tom (Summer of Toms?) were a failure, and that I had much too high expectations for them. Still, I don't regret a thing. To be the best or to have the best, you need to want the best. George Costanza knew that, and so do I. At least I did.

This has been a good year, so I really shouldn't jinx it. Why tempt fate again? Ah screw it.

June-September 2011 shall be THE SUMMER OF TOM!!!