These Are a Few of My Least-Favorite Things

Straight Guys Who Call Their Female Friends "Girl" or "Girlfriend"

It's completely acceptable for a girl to call a fellow female she is friendly with "girlfriend". It is also completely acceptable for a guy to call his girlfriend "girlfriend". Gotta call a spade a spade. However, when a straight man (or "man") calls a girl he is friends with "girl" or "girlfriend", it just seems...wrong. First of all, it comes off as kind of gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it does. The other problem with it is, as my independent and unscientific research has proven, the less manly a man's nickname for a given girl is, it is indirectly proportional to the amount of desire he has to bang said girl. That's tough to argue with; it's unscience. In short, it's creepy. I've provided a chart to illustrate my point (Click to enlarge).




Movie and Music Snobs

I have certain tastes. Everyone does. That means there are things I like, and things I dislike. That makes me exactly like anyone else. What drives me crazy is when someone asks if I really like what they really like, then I say no, then they go off on a 15 minute tangent on why I'm wrong. I'm not wrong. I just don't like it.

It's also not that I don't get it. For example, I think Nirvana was a fine band who made fine music. However, I do not think they are amongst the greatest bands of all-time. Just because you do and I don't, doesn't mean I don't get it. Here's a tip: If you want to look like a self-righteous prick that no one in their right mind would ever want to hold a discussion with, start telling everyone you know they don't get things. Get punched in the throat by someone, then go back to being a decent human being again.

Terrible Drivers

I don't consider myself a great driver or even a good driver. I simply consider myself someone who knows how to drive a Goddamn car. No tickets, no accidents caused by me (knocking on wood so hard my knuckles are bleeding), no problems. So what is the problem with some people? Everyone who passed their driving test knows how to use a turn signal, but some choose to ignore their's. This is probably because they have a sandwich in one hand and their phone in the other, but that's exactly my point.

Also, the left lane on the freeway is the fast lane. If you aren't going fast, stay the hell out of it. Every time I have to brake off of my cruise control because some jackass is going the speed limit and lane-blocking me from passing others in the slow lane, I swear to everything holy I lose a day off of the end of my life. The two things that get my temper up more than anything are awful drivers and golf. I can't stop driving and I won't stop golfing because I hate myself, so if you suck at driving, please get better soon. My life longevity depends on it.

Whew, feels good to vent sometimes.

Stalked Up: A Rocket To The Moon Edition

As a guy who doesn't have a CD player in his car (I have one, but it's in my room. I don't know how to install it and I'm too cheap to pay someone else to do it. Don't judge me.), I listen to the radio a lot. I've realized that many popular love songs have creepy ass lyrics. I'm not sure if most people don't notice this, or don't care, but I'm fed up. It's time for someone to start calling out these songs, and since I have nothing better to do, I guess I'll do it.

Recently, the song "Like We Used To" has come to my attention, as it is played on the radio constantly. Its creepiness is immediately noticeable. However, if you see the lyrics typed up, it reads like a murder-suicide note.

The band who unleashed this stalkers' anthem on the world is A Rocket To The Moon. I've never heard of them before, so I had to Google one of the most uncomfortable lines from this song to figure out who I am putting in the crosshairs.

The gist of the song is that his girlfriend broke up with him (presumably), and is dating a new gentleman. He is singing to her, asking whether or not her new beau is doing all of the "romantic" things he used to do.

The most uncomfortable part of the song is when he is describing her having sex in a car. Fine, except that he is talking about her and the new guy having sex for the first time. It seems that he is talking about her losing her virginity. Not only that, but he knows it was precisely "14 months and 7 days ago". Problem is, why does he know what day it was? Why is he keeping track of how many days ago it was? Finally, he says "Oh, I know you know how we felt that night." Somehow, he knew it was happening while it was happening. The only possible explanation is if he was watching them do it. Even if she decided to tell him it happened and the exact date of the deed, he wouldn't have felt any different during the act unless he has some weird power where he can sense when his ex-girlfriend is being penetrated. Also, I'm thinking her feelings and his didn't exactly overlap that night.

He goes on to croon, "And we both know/It should've been me inside that car/It should've been me instead of him/In the dark." Apparently not. The V-card transaction took place over 14 months ago already. If she really wishes you would've tubed her in the car instead of her boyfriend, she wouldn't still be with this guy. I understand women are insane, but if she loves you and not him, and you are so clearly still enamored with her, she would get back together with you. Douche.

Later, he says, "You're on my mind, love/(I know I'm not needed)." If you know you're not needed, than go the hell away already. Leave her alone! And don't make terrible songs about her.

The cherry on this shit sundae is him telling her "Will you promise if this one's right/Don't throw it all away." Basically, don't repeat the mistake you made with me. In other words, he spends the whole song telling this broad she should've let him bone her first, that he was the perfect boyfriend, that he still loves her, that she never should've broken up with him, but good luck with this new guy. At that point, it's no longer admirable to wish her well, it's bipolar.

In conclusion, I'm not saying that I want the members of A Rocket To The Moon to wander into traffic. However, if I'm never subjected to one of their awful songs again for whatever reason, my life will be marginally happier.


So that's it for the first edition of "Stalked Up". I shall return at a later date with a skewering of Clay Aiken's "Invisible". Later.

Tomservations 1

I notice things, as most are wont to do, and I feel obligated to share some of these observations:

My favorite answer to the question "How's it going?" is "I can't complain!" even though I could complain about literally thousands of different things at any given moment (and clearly often do, as this blog post illustrates beautifully).

You never can fully appreciate how well Ibuprofen works until you have to deal with a splitting headache all day without it.

75% of drivers on the road today interpret "Yield" signs as "This sign doesn't fucking exist" signs and blow right through the intersection. In a cruel twist of fate, this often forces drivers on the non-yielding road to yield.

I get cravings for a specific type of food a lot. Many times I go get/make this food because of it, but it has never tasted as good in reality as it does in my head beforehand. Part of this is absolutely because I'm the one making it, but still.

I'm not sure that the idiom "Beer before liquor, you're going to be sicker," is true, but "4 pregame beers before a couple shots before 2 more beers before 2 different mixed drinks before 2 more beers before a shot before half of a meat and potato burrito before a nightcap at the house before bed, you're going to be sicker," is true 100% of the time.

Writing a post about random observations is great when you can't think of anything creative to write about.

The Beer Index, Volume 2

It's baaaaaack, and so am I! (Pausing to allow for the raucous cheering to die down)...Alright, let's do it!

Summer Beer

Be it a barbeque, ballgame, or bonfire, beer and summer go together like lamb and tuna fish. With so many choices, which suds mesh best with summer?

Best Bet: Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy. I have discovered that if lemonade is mixed with virtually anything else, I'm in. Arnold Palmers and Jeremiah Weed with lemonade are crazy delicious, as is Summer Shandy. Beer and lemonade seems like an odd combo, but after I was introduced to a "Hop, Skip and Get Naked" (light beer, lemonade and a shot of vodka), I was hooked for life. It's great in the bottle and even better on tap where available.

Others Worth Considering: Sam Adams Summer Ale, Honey Moon, a pitcher of anything light and cheap

Stay-a-ways: Anything dark. It must be noted that I love pale ales and various other dark beers. The summer just isn't the right time for them. When I'm hibernating in the winter, I'm a stationary drunk, but in the summer I'm a drunk on the go! I can't have my beer slowing me down.

Celebratory Beer

Whether it be an engagement, birthday, or division championship, celebrations tend to include drinks on some level. Should you celebrate with champagne? Probably, but I'm on a budget, asshole.

Best Bet: Stella Artois. It's not champagne, but it's as close as you can get with beer. It's bubbly, delicious and is even served in a sweet glass. I'm still not positive how to pronounce it, but I do know I like to drink it.

Others Worth Considering: Fat Tire, Grolsch, any variety of lambic (expensive but delicious)

Stay-a-ways: Anything overly cheap. Live a little for once!

Beer Pong Beer

As an ultra-competitive person, I have always loved sports. However, high school ended years ago, and I can't do intramurals anymore now that I have graduated college, so I have to channel my zeal for competition into other areas. Bowling, slow-pitch softball and beer pong have filled that void. Beer pong is bigger than ever before, but what is the best choice to chug when your opponents are pwning you, n00b?

Best Bet: Miller High Life. It's my personal choice when it comes to bottom shelf beers. It's affordable, easy to drink quickly, and cheap. That's really all you need for gaming beer.

Others Worth Considering: Keystone Light, PBR

Stay-a-ways: The Beast, Icehouse. Yeah, be cheap, but have some standards, man! Spend the extra 2 bucks for something that doesn't taste like it was brewed in a shoe.

That will do it for the Beer Index, Volume 2. Volume 3 will come...eventually. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

The Beer Index, Volume 1

They say you should write about what you know, and that's exactly what I am going to do. I present to you the Beer Index, Volume 1.

Chilling and Watching the Game Beer

You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?

• Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
• Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
• Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?

Shower Beer

Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?

• Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with yourself...in the shower! Excellent!
• Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
• Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.

Girly Drinks for Men

Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?

• Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
• Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
• Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.

Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer

Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.

Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.