The Dating Scale

If you ever watch TV (which I do, extensively), you've seen commercials for eHarmony way too often. They use "29 Dimensions of Compatability" to try to set people up. If you ask me, 29 levels seems outrageous. I have devised a scale to help you figure out whether someone could be the one for you.

The way the Shefchik Scale works is simple. I have attached a point value to different facets that make up a relationship. There is a total of 100, and you need to score at least a 75 unless you want to be miserable with someone. Sounds fun, right?! Also, it's not Binary. Everything is on a sliding scale. For instance, if you would rate someone's physical attractiveness as an 8, they get 16 for that category. Let's get started.

Level of attraction: 20 points

Let's face it, someone could be nearly perfect for you in every way, but if you don't feel a twinge below from looking at him/her, you can be best friends but that's about it. I realize 20 points may seem steep, but hey, I'm shallow.

Eating habits: 10 points

Sneaky important. For instance, I grill about 5 times a week in the summer. Because of that, it would be extremely hard for me to ever date a vegetarian. Oh, I'm sure there are meatless things that can technically be tossed on a grill, but I don't want to destroy the sanctity of my beautiful barbecue. I't a meat-only zone. Also, it would make it really hard in other ways. Buying double groceries, having a tough time choosing restaurants to go to. A headache I'd rather live without.

Common hobbies/nightlife habits: 20 points

How can you date someone if you can't find anything fun to do together? Being able to find stuff to do, movies to watch, TV shows you both like, etc. Also, if you like a lot of the same things, you will have more to talk about too. It gets pretty awkward if you are with someone and you spend the better part of your time together sitting in painful silence.

That being said, it's kind of nice to have some differing hobbies. The one time I tried to take a girlfriend golfing was the least fun round I've ever played. She was miserable, which made me miserable, which made me play even worse than usual. Because of this, I have no problem with a girl who doesn't golf. I will just play with my buddies and she will do whatever it is that girls do. Perfect.

Sports allegiances/interests: 10 points

This one is simple. If the significant other roots for the same teams, it's a perfect 10. Root for a random team you don't care about or don't care about sports? 5 points. Root for your favorite team's biggest rival? 0 points, and may God have mercy on their soul. I've gone on dates with Packers fans, and it is no fun. Plus, what if things got real serious, I ended up with her, had kids, and they rooted for Green Bay? I would freak out, grow a beard and drink milk straight from the carton.

Their family: 15 points

Nothing they can do about it, but still of vital importance. Can't stand their parents? Sounds like Christmas won't be so merry if you end up with him/her. Plus, who wants to start a family with someone who will make crappy grandparents/inlaws.

Another important point. Looking at how your significant other's parents age gives a window into the future. Hopefully she's a MILF!

Whoreishness: 25 points

A tough one, because there's no good way to ask someone, "Hey, are you a whore?" Still, it's on a need to know basis. For one thing, it's no fun climbing into bed with someone and feeling like you just slept with the entire Big Ten Conference. The other reason it's so important is loyalty. A relationship can't work without trust. That's why I've put so much emphasis on this category. It's essentially pass/fail.

Ok, that's it. Now, for the fun/terrifying part. Do you have a girlfriend/ex/slampiece? Tally up your points with them and see where they land. For your sake, I hope they are over 75.

Winning Time

As someone who has applied for and interviewed for numerous jobs, I have acquired some knowledge on how the game works. Since I'm nothing if I'm not giving, I thought I would take time out of my busy schedule to share some tips with all of you.

Bring it in For the Real Thing

Handshakes haven't been cool since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny effing Kaye. Companies fancy themselves as families, and you want to be a member of their family. When you stride into the room, bear hug the interviewer like he's the commish of the NFL and you're the number one pick. I guarantee all of the other douchers gunning for the same job will be doling out limp wristed clammy handshakes. You 1, Competition 0.

Avoid Eye Contact

Whoever (Whomever? Just kidding; I don't care.) is interviewing you is clearly in a position of power. They like the feeling of being in control. If you try to look them in the eye, they will feel threatened and offended. Look as meek as possible. You are the clay, and they have the able hands which will mold you into a dynamo. Never forget that.

References Count

Usually the person interviewing you doesn't know you personally. Choosing the correct references is of the utmost importance. Your bookie knows your reliable, your dealer knows you have discerning taste and your sponsor knows you can tell time. Use them.

Stand Out on Paper

Everyone does their resumes on stupid white paper. BOOOO-RING! Go with either bright orange or fluorescent green, the type of paper usually reserved for rummage sales flyers. Guaranteed you get noticed!

Follow Up

The process isn't over when you leave the interview room. Make sure you send a letter afterwards. An angry, threatening letter. Let them know you are serious about getting that position and if you have to, you can find out where they live.

I hope this helped. I know I have the brightest, best-looking readers on the internet, so I trust that you now know what to do. Grab the world by the plums and be all you can be!

The Beer Index, Volume 2

It's baaaaaack, and so am I! (Pausing to allow for the raucous cheering to die down)...Alright, let's do it!

Summer Beer

Be it a barbeque, ballgame, or bonfire, beer and summer go together like lamb and tuna fish. With so many choices, which suds mesh best with summer?

Best Bet: Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy. I have discovered that if lemonade is mixed with virtually anything else, I'm in. Arnold Palmers and Jeremiah Weed with lemonade are crazy delicious, as is Summer Shandy. Beer and lemonade seems like an odd combo, but after I was introduced to a "Hop, Skip and Get Naked" (light beer, lemonade and a shot of vodka), I was hooked for life. It's great in the bottle and even better on tap where available.

Others Worth Considering: Sam Adams Summer Ale, Honey Moon, a pitcher of anything light and cheap

Stay-a-ways: Anything dark. It must be noted that I love pale ales and various other dark beers. The summer just isn't the right time for them. When I'm hibernating in the winter, I'm a stationary drunk, but in the summer I'm a drunk on the go! I can't have my beer slowing me down.

Celebratory Beer

Whether it be an engagement, birthday, or division championship, celebrations tend to include drinks on some level. Should you celebrate with champagne? Probably, but I'm on a budget, asshole.

Best Bet: Stella Artois. It's not champagne, but it's as close as you can get with beer. It's bubbly, delicious and is even served in a sweet glass. I'm still not positive how to pronounce it, but I do know I like to drink it.

Others Worth Considering: Fat Tire, Grolsch, any variety of lambic (expensive but delicious)

Stay-a-ways: Anything overly cheap. Live a little for once!

Beer Pong Beer

As an ultra-competitive person, I have always loved sports. However, high school ended years ago, and I can't do intramurals anymore now that I have graduated college, so I have to channel my zeal for competition into other areas. Bowling, slow-pitch softball and beer pong have filled that void. Beer pong is bigger than ever before, but what is the best choice to chug when your opponents are pwning you, n00b?

Best Bet: Miller High Life. It's my personal choice when it comes to bottom shelf beers. It's affordable, easy to drink quickly, and cheap. That's really all you need for gaming beer.

Others Worth Considering: Keystone Light, PBR

Stay-a-ways: The Beast, Icehouse. Yeah, be cheap, but have some standards, man! Spend the extra 2 bucks for something that doesn't taste like it was brewed in a shoe.

That will do it for the Beer Index, Volume 2. Volume 3 will come...eventually. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!

The Beer Index, Volume 1

They say you should write about what you know, and that's exactly what I am going to do. I present to you the Beer Index, Volume 1.

Chilling and Watching the Game Beer

You're just hanging with the guys, watching the game and enjoying a few brews. There's no need to blow out your wallet. At the same time, you aren't smashed, so your taste buds are still fully functional. The question is, which beer perfectly compliments pigskin?

• Best Bet: Miller Lite. Lite tastes good, goes down smooth, and won't staple you to the couch. It is the perfect marriage of frugality and taste.
• Others Worth Considering: Whatever seasonal beers are about to expire and are currently on clearance. Good beer for cheap? Don't mind if I do!
• Stay-a-ways: Anything that will get you too drunk too fast. There's nothing wrong with having a nice buzz going during the game, but what's the point in watching it if you'll barely remember seeing it the next day?

Shower Beer

Shower beers are wildly underrated. Allow me to paint a picture for you: It's Saturday night, and you are getting ready to paint the town whatever color you choose. You realize you smell like ass, so you decide you better take a shower. But wait! You're cheap as hell, so you were planning on doing some pre-gaming before you head out. Time is of the essence, so which should you choose? Both! The combination of hot water descending over your body while you drink a cold one is positively heavenly. The only question is which beer should you allow to see you naked?

• Best Bet: Coors Original. I make fun of the "Cold-Activated" blue mountains on the cans as much as anyone, but in the shower they actually serve a purpose. Just chugging one while you lather up doesn't allow you to savor your shower beer. At the same time, you don't want to have to slam half a warm beer at the tail end of your shower. Condensation makes it deceptively difficult to gauge the temperature of your suds while you're sudsy. The mountains act as a 2-minute warning to drop your loofa and drink up before it's too late. Go with Original over Light though. You will have a banquet...with yourself...in the shower! Excellent!
• Others Worth Considering: Anything in a can you can drink relatively quickly if need be.
• Stay-a-ways: Anything in a bottle. Your shower buddy is going to be chilling on the floor while you shampoo up, so if you foolhardily kick it over and it's a bottle, your dream shower could turn into a shard-filled nightmare.

Girly Drinks for Men

Maybe you're a dude who just doesn't have a taste for beer (in which case, I don't understand you or your kind, but I'll do my best to help you out). Or more acceptably, maybe you just want something sweet and alcohol-y on a hot summer day. Whatever the case, the land of girly drinks is a dangerous terrain for any self-respecting man to traverse. I hesitated to include this section, but it could be of some use, and these drinks do say "Beer" on the label. (Seriously. It's in fine print. I know, I was surprised too. Now you have a fun fact to share at your next cocktail party.) If you do in fact decide to go down this road, which one says, "I'm a man who likes women AND sweet colorful beverages! Don't judge me!"?

• Original Mike's Hard Lemonade: Everyone who loves America and freedom loves lemonade. Plus, it's not overly sweet or overly gay.
• Others Worth Considering: Smirnoff Ice, Skyy Malt beverages (If they even make them anymore. I honestly have no idea.)
• Stay-a-ways: Any and all of them if you are in a public setting trying to get laid.

Drinking by Yourself in a Dark Room Beer

Don't do it, you sad sack of shit! You're better than this. Put down the beer and pick up the phone! We are all worried about you.

Thus concludes the Beer Index, Vol. 1. I shall return with Volume 2 whenever the hell I feel like it. Thank you.